Journaling

Middle school. In bed, realized I could switch my breathing: automatic to manual if I focused on it. Happened maybe three days. Actually I was trying to die by holding my breath. But once I achieved making it completely manual, then it was freaking me out because I couldn’t switch back. Panicky. Trying something had a completely different result than I wanted. That was the scary part—stuck in manual, couldn’t undo it. A kid lying there in the dark, alone, testing something, then terrified I broke it.

Driving to New Berlin. Something flickered in the corner of my eye, my glasses. Got hugely scared—at nothing—and tapped the brakes too hard. Escape skidded sideways a bit. Scared me more. Next time I needed to slow down, hit the brakes too hard again. Kept happening. Why can’t I just get past the fact that I got scared at nothing? Chain reaction. Hit the brakes too hard over and over. First time this has happened since I got the Escape. Feels like commentary on my life. Get scared at nothing, can’t stop overreacting.

Building manager doing floor repair in the hallway between the main hall and side door. Two days of drilling, scraping, pounding, moving equipment around. Sound was living in my apartment. Sounded like they were under my floor. Then corner by the ceiling. In the cat litter box scraping—checked, wasn’t Max. The noise was moving to different parts of my apartment. In my space. Wall and door between us but it didn’t matter. Drove the shit out of me all day.

Thing so easy, but not: causing grief. Make arrival of Max wet food seamless. # of cans, # of days. Auto-ship with time frame. Yet keep running out of cans or ending up with overabundance. This is a parallel to something else in my life, except I can’t quite figure out what the other thing is. Part of feeling or pattern?

Incorrect, however, I have been known to ruminate for sure, but not lately // Instead, there has been more processing and making connection through thoughts and writing.

Correct, I did not use the superpower to go to pool Fri nor Sat… but I did go. I wanted to go… and, yes, a push from Tim did help for Sun success.

Correct, the egg cooker is still in the shipping package. Superpower took awhile to fully work, but I shopped, picked the one that I liked the most. Why is it not unwrapped? Cleaning is an ongoing, long term struggle. Philip did at least two things related: he made the best boiled eggs and he kept the kitchen clean. Maybe talking about grief is what’s needed. Yeah, actually it is, because now I’m crying.

Here’s what’s making me angry: Tim said “Little less talk and a lot more action.” “Just do more.” “Generally, failure doesn’t stop people. People give up.”

There’s an enormous list of doing. It started with one second on a core ball. Not just talking, not just writing. A hell of a lot of done, do, and doing. No need to send Tim the list. Tim has lived it with me.

Do more? What about the plethora of actions Tim isn’t privy to? Fuck you, Tim.

[Abridged]

• I never should have asked in the first place.
• The music essay was immensely more than just about music.
• Why was I trying to find deeper connection with people where I was never going to be friends?
• Severely angry about breaking the rules.
• No mention that I did a clever serial thing with the daily; the splitting wasn’t exactly easy. // why am I looking for validation for something stupid?
• Wanted credit for refraining from a attachment; the restraint wasn’t exactly easy; now none existent.
• Understood: People can have wide range of music tastes.
• Understood: Same song means different things to listeners.
• I lost touch with music when I no longer had my Ford Ranger nor my membership to Princeton Club.
• A Nickelback song on the list. One that was already mine. The irony: processing, sends me straight into tears.
• There is an emotional backstory on what Nickelback means to me.
• And now how to keep my Nickelback sadness out of the new weight training? “You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness.”
• This all feels like such a cosmic joke. The irony. Not a full circle; maybe a split ring.
• Will want to consider how to take advantage of Escape stereo.
• But, I will want to invest in headphones to add music back to training, question?
• Will the system automatically drop Friday? :::sigh::: Makes next wait, long.

Attachments: 20260504.pdf

Daily planning is figuring out what to send when. Planning falters when the facts of the day call for a change of message.

There was no weekend plan implemented. The plan was to make a plan, to prioritize. Didn’t happen. Friday, stuck. Saturday, stuck. Two hours shy of a full 48 hours. Sunday became alive at the time to pack for push. I was one of three. When we parted, my plan was to workout in the pool.

I could go East or West. I chose the functioning jets. Every good thing has faults. Fast current during the Sunday family 2-7pm period is not fun.

Locked myself out of my locker. Second time in 6 weeks. My name is again listed in the official record of locker assist!

The full plan didn’t get finished. Tuesday is push and sword. Friday is Tim and Goat Yard. This is a lot, but not enough. When is solo saber practice? When is weight training? When is the next trip to the pool? When is the returns to Amazon? When is the decision happening about whether to continue the conversation about music?

Last Sunday, email from Philip about $35. Nearly had a meltdown. That devastated, depressed feeling. Felt like I had no one to talk to for advice. Can I wait until Friday or can I solve this myself, on my own. What should I write? What should I do? I asked myself what would I be told. Do forthright communication. I thought I did that. I didn’t realize my opening, “Wow. Thanks for asking.” was not the most mature. I thought I did make it clear in the body of my email what I wanted to happen. Hearing that my reply was basically petty, totally compounded the lost feeling. I didn’t understand all the questions Tim asked about what happens next.

Talking about the ask for money was not meant to be forgotten. It was on the list; just didn’t have the list for reference. I was confident that the topic just needed to be reported, not discussed. I felt scolded—that I’ve done the Philip in the last few minutes pattern before. Maybe he is a topic that can take an entire session; but, that is not how I want to spend my time. Especially since the next step is based on whether or not Philip replies.

I hate how, no matter how much “validation provided for efforts” happens, I feel like I failed raising Philip. And this week, I didn’t know how to answer. And then my reply was less than perfect. And I was accused of dropping a bomb end of session. So is that one more flaw for not putting Philip as a topic at the top of my list?

All I really wanted was to hear that I handled $ ask correctly.