Searching Within

Author: seeker

  • Sleepless, Contemplative

    Awake 22 hours. Most recently, Max constant asleep 6 hours next to me; apparently feline contact can be the equivalent of 5 hugs daily, per author of DOSE. Normally to catalyze tears, must run movies from the crying list. Tonight, a rarity, sitting quiet in emptiness with wandering thoughts pushes them through. Functioning on the bare minimum, log in to work and feed the pets; just let all else skip. Wait. Wait out. Breathe. Wait for passage. Something will happen and move back to the below zero baseline.
     
    Chills. Both the thermostat and the Whitney Point blanket are equal distance. Sit with discomfort, instead. Closed eyes just causes a silent music video to auto generate. Bizarre imagery themes, flowing one to another. Lots of holes, falling, trapped, charcoal Swiss cheese like passages. Philippe (Matthew Broderick) is swimming through the sewer for escape. Seventeen creatures assemble in an overcast meadow, none are in the correct placement.
     
    Across the mountain, an enormous elk is trapped solid in sheets of ice; the woodsman brings a mallet to snap the bondage away. The elk thunders away with thanks. Somewhere else the calmlings either sing, lecture, or quote poetry. They all hate work and seek sympathy for back pain. The do love unusual vocabulary.
     
    The Budweiser commercial is out of focus; can only pretend to know what the clydesdale foal is up to for cuteness, and perhaps mischief. My own 2026 fire horse is stuck in half done; stuck in analysis paralysis.

  • 2-for-1 Sale

    Max bites twice. More coagulated blood a top of past bruises. What I thought was a cleaver solution I tried, fails to deliver. Maybe my best purpose is cat toy.

    I returned to exploring MyChart after visit notes from all sorts of people in my past. The greatest disappointment is Stephen Weiler, favorite PDoc, records will not load.

    Taking a break from non-fiction. Enticed by 2 for 1 sale on Audible.

    Fantasy. The Seven Virtues. “Aaron pulled the sword free of the sheath at his back and lunged forward, plunging the cold steel through the heart of the other man before he had a chance to draw his own blade.” Compassion may be the first of seven virtues.

    Novel. I See You’ve Called in Dead. Obituary writer Bud Stanley isn’t really living his best life. He’s about to be fired for accidentally publishing his own obituary one mildly drunken night. He goes to the wakes and funerals of total strangers to learn how to live. His friends give him some pretty good advice.

    Both books started strong based on the previews. Struggling to stick with the new books past the middle chapters.

    Left the apartment. A weekend delivery: needed my milk and Mountain Dew. “…trying to build routine” is mostly fail. Insomnia. Not eating. Reestablished my workout record system. Now, just need to actually record. One act of social courage planned this week.

    I’m grateful for Haagen-Dazs vanilla milk chocolate almond ice cream bars. I just don’t want one right now. Having a hard time wanting anything.

  • Random Sunday

    Dark out. A day of ultimate isolation. Did not open the front door, did not open the patio door, and did not even enter the bedroom. I could step out onto the cement patio in t-shirt and jeans, and barefoot just to feel something. Similar shock as a cold shower?
     
    When you’re feeling really really crappy and nothing people say is soothing… apparently there is a magical phrase that would help but it’s a mystery, even to oneself. What’s the name of this situation? And of course, even worse when the someone is imaginary.
     
    It was a special kind of day where there is absolutely no todo list, the day proceeds, and as something inspiring causes attention, there’s follow-through, but there’s no plan, no expectations, no ultimate goal except to live through the day. Like for example you never put on a todo list: take out a new roll of toilet paper and put it next to the toilet or take the empty Mountain Dew carton out of the fridge (now it would’ve been really something if carton had been torn apart and put in the garbage).
     
    Core ball balance, all-time best. Accomplished a lengthy amount of time with 12 points of contact; it’s fingertips, not palms, this time, slowly stretching upward, activate the back and glute muscles; at one point, one hand was resting lightly on a knee.
     
    Downloaded photos from camera and iPhone. Organized such subjects as Thanksgiving and Hop Garden.
     
    Months have passed since the curiosity was first launched: I still don’t know the purpose of the 3-D printer.

  • Prayer Prompts

    Perhaps prayers need better prompts. I thought I had made up something. Turns out the idea is already being taught and preached about.

    Google AI – “Using better prompt engineering for prayers, treating them with the same Intentionality as a structured AI query, can transform a stagnant prayer life into a more focused, consistent, and deep spiritual practice. By moving beyond generic passive requests to specific detailed and structured prompts, you can overcome Spiritual Writers’ Block and Deepen Your Connection.”

    Uploaded to Flickr various photos from the end of 2025 and the start of 2026

    Uploaded to Flickr photos from Thanksgiving 2025. Made a Facebook post using the Teddy Bear “baby” as the icon; but the link to the photo broke. So the Facebook post has a blank image.

    Thought about sending TK a link to snow covered road. I’m sure TK knows what a snow covered road looks like. So, stupid idea.

    Uploaded photos from Hop Garden and sent Nellie a link.

  • Black Pearl Earring Loss

    1994 — When I was dating Chris E. I went to the mall and got my ears pierced. We were driving on the belt line in his truck when I asked him if he noticed anything new about me. After a small pause, Chris saw the new earrings.

    Before 2004 — When still living on W Garfield… ranger backed into driveway… realized one of my black pearl post style earrings was missing. … looked all around the truck seats. I asked Philip to help me look… he had earlier found something sharp and had thrown it out the truck open door into the lawn.

    Maybe he could have said something sooner, instead of frantic search.
    Maybe he didn’t know it was an earring.
    Maybe it was my fault for having lost it in the truck.
    Maybe I should have warned him to be on the look out for a lost earring.

    Why didn’t I deserve an apology?
    Why didn’t I deserve some sympathy?

    I don’t know when I stopped wearing earrings. Perhaps sometime after the move to S Bedford. Sometime after Tai Chi. Perhaps before covid

    January 2026 — ear piercings have been redone.

  • Check Reality

    Extremely afraid that whatever growth, amazing growth, progress that I’m making, perhaps will cause my growth admirers to expect all growth to happen at the same rate.

    Took today off. Even after multiple days since vacation and holiday, I am struggling to be productive at work. Luckily my history of being incredibly productive and efficient lets me hide in my non-productivity. I’m experiencing a lot of guilt for not being able to maintain my high standard.

    I’m sad that Tim doesn’t see my worst. Perhaps just telling him and him just knowing it exists is good enough. But he never gets to hear or see or know that after I get off the phone from a session that there’s a bit of a crash. I have to concentrate hard to find things to do, distracting myself from the dark depression.

    Today’s focus is the misplaced check from CarMax. I’ve conducted a search of about 80-90%. JC, lack of feeling, is confident it will turn up. I’m worried that the massive apartment clean and reorganization caused accidentally thrown out. I realized there are basically two choices: Call CarMax and ask for replacement – feelings: scary-guilty-stupid; or, just add the $150 to the overall net loss – easiest, financially unwise.

    Turns out what happens about the lost check is not the most important. A deep dive into what’s really going on is the wish for somebody to say, “Wow this must be rebringing up all those feelings about the car and PWS. Whatever you decide to do about the check will be okay.”

  • Clean the Dryer Vent

    Received notice apartment maintenance needed to enter the apartment to clean the dryer vent.

    • To prepare I should pick up the dirty fleece bedding that is piled in front of the closet, waiting to be scraped and washed.
    • To prepare I should break down the boxes and cardboard cluttered at the front door.
    • To prepare I should bag up loose garbage sitting around the kitchen and front door.
    • To prepare I should pull down the disposable cat litter pans that are stored on top of the dryer and set them aside out of the way.
    • To prepare I should move the dirty clothes basket sitting in the hallway in front of the closet.
    • To prepare perhaps I should pick up some of the loose garbage in the bathroom and add it to the garbage bag in the kitchen because a bag was never put into the bathroom trash receptacle.
    • To prepare perhaps I should take the empty pizza boxes and bag them up as garbage.
    • To prepare perhaps I should take the empty Factor75 boxes or the empty Mounjaro box and place them out of the way in the bedroom.
    • To prepare perhaps I should take a stack of washcloths (dirty ones) from the bathroom and put them in the dirty clothes basket designated for linens.
    • To prepare perhaps I should check the two sides of the washer dryer unit to make sure nothing is leaning against them.

    During the assessment stage of the work to be done and while starting to do the work, I see that one side of the kitchen sink is full of bottles, unopened, containing carbonated water with a flavor. I think it was an 8-pack. I sampled one and found it disgusting and put the rest of them in the sink, thinking I would open them all and drain them and put the empty bottles into a recycling bag. That’s already been ten days ago. They’re still sitting in the sink. I asked myself: what would it be like if maybe, absolutely never going to happen, maybe? What if Tim was to stop by? Would I want him to see this mess? How would I feel if he saw this mess?

    I felt ashamed. I felt stupid. Stupid for buying them in the first place. Inadequate because I don’t like the flavor of this drink. Wasteful because now I plan to just throw it away. Lazy because I haven’t thrown it away yet.

    Yeah completely silly that I would think that thinking of TK stopping by actually would have any effect because that thought experiment doesn’t work. He would never stop by. Quickly I change the thought experiment to say, “What if Ben was to stop by?” And that thought experiment fizzled into a poof of smoke because that doesn’t seem plausible either.

    So after maybe five, maybe ten minutes (closer to five), moving quickly around to put the little bit of garbage, dirty clothes away, moving the cardboard boxes to the other room. I need to sit down. I’ve already done too much. My back is hurting. I need to sit down for probably ten minutes before I get up and try again.

    And perhaps since it is Tuesday and a workday, I should sit, log into work, and take a look at my things to do and hopefully not get too distracted. I still need to come back and finish preparing the laundry area for the invasion of Apartment Maintenance in order to clean the dryer vent.

    And it is possible that everything I listed as to prepare is not absolutely necessary but it would take more mental energy to Re-calibrate the list. For now I’m going to pause on thinking about and doing clean up.

  • Two Quotes

    Maybe healing isn’t trying to get back to who you were but it’s accepting who you become.
    —Drew Lynch

    Over-analyzing your emotions. Self-awareness without action just becomes self-obsession. Thinking about change isn’t the same thing as actually doing it.
    —Mark Manson

  • Getting Your Way

    Getting your way, getting what you want, having things work out, having things go your way — are all — basically the same circumstances — that can temporarily defeat depression.

    Suddenly get an idea, a want—Then run through all the logistics to implement the idea; the pros the cons; each time the solution lands close to what you want to happen, the excitement builds; but the list of cons won’t stop re-appearing and wanting attention. The spiraling begins, wishy-washy, torture. Unable to calm the storm. What ever pleasure gained from the original idea is lost in the stampede.

    Deflating things — causing any previous decision to be questioned

    • second guessing
    • not knowing the rules
    • low self confidence.

  • Best Questions for Planning the New Year

    What would you like to do differently in 2026? In terms of

    • what would you like to continue doing,
      • hope TK continues to include me in logistical updates this spring
    • what would you like to start doing,
      • ! Financial advisor
      • Practice ways to be more comfortable on camera
      • Make liter box cleaning an action item on calendar
    • what would you like to stop doing?
      • Fighting sleep
      • Letting Philip issues derail found peace