Searching Within

Category: Processing

working through thoughts, making sense; connecting dots, seeing themes; simple, direct; untangling, organizing thoughts; as in “working through”

  • HVZ – The Goat Yard

    During therapy with Jon, he suggested that I seek out a volunteer/service activity. After thinking through some options, I applied at the Literacy Agency. My first helpee didn’t need remedial reading help. We only met a couple of times before she stopped participating. I lost interest and didn’t request a new paring.

    Why am I pursing the HVZ Goat Yard? Primarily because the activity of volunteering seems high on many peoples’ list of how to emerge from isolation and to do something that contributes. I’m basically being proactive before more people nag me with suggestions on how I should add volunteering. And if I get in front of the idea to pick something I might be truly interested in.

    If selected, I will be pared with a shift partner. I will establish a consistent weekly shift. I will be required to be nice to people, answer questions about goats, and pass out treats. I think I remember that there is sweeping involved. Volunteers don’t have the husbandry level of knowledge and experience to actually be involved in feeding and tending the goats inside their yard. That is disappointing.

    Assuming I get picked to volunteer, I don’t foresee a three-hour shift once a week to be a problem. I have lots of time off. I just need to pick the most advantageous shift time to last me throughout the summer till Labor Day. There is a system for swapping shifts as needed.

    The prerequisite for getting excited about HVZ volunteering: transportation. I’m highly considering the purchase of a new bike.

  • Cast of Characters Artwork

    There has been no progress on the Cast of Characters. I wanted to edit the mood variable. Tim asked about the mood definitions I assigned. Tim wondered about including anxious. I need to rethink the gang. I’m not sure how invested I am in spending a great deal more time. Most likely this loss of enthusiasm is related to the fact that I don’t have a human to have meaningful conversations about the exercise.

    Drifting away from the bio edits, I want to describe to Tim the art aspect that I’ve been pursuing. There are seventeen parts and each one has a totem. I want a photographic image of all the totems gathered in a half circle, facing the viewer. The only character facing away is Anne. Since I don’t want a face depicted, she will be at the front of the group turned toward the full assembly. I’ve carefully decided who will be placed where. The rabbit (Beth) and the mouse (Naive) would be lost sitting on the meadow floor with the wildflowers. The rabbit will be paired with the lion (Levi), resting on the top of his head, and the mouse will be paired with the lamb (Gullible), positioned on his withers. Spirit will hover at Anne’s shoulder. The three largest animals will be together in the middle: unicorn, draft horse, and highland cow.

    I can see everyone so clearly. I’ve been learning and practicing AI prompts for Midjourney. I’m finding the limitations. Midjourney doesn’t understand animal breeds like Clydesdale or Belgian draft horse or Californian rabbit or Suffolk lamb.

  • How to Survive 21 Days in the Concrete Wilderness: Select Talking Points

    Most points resist conversation. They exist. They occurred. That is sufficient. Time methodology: Document everything. Categorize obsessively. No actual wilderness skills required—only the ability to endure bureaucracy, technology failures, and one’s own brain.

    1. Rogue ride to the water park success – rental car, Nissan Rogue, the weekend I last met with Tim. Seeing Cynthia was fun. Returning all the return packages was easy. Bought pig veggies at Whole Foods and Sonoma Chicken Salad. Saturday trip to New Berlin went well. Google Maps sent me on a path that was not what I wanted. Took notes about possible plans: how to get to the resistance pool on a regular basis.
    2. Cat Behaviorist hasn’t answered my inquiry – Sent a long write up explaining my Max problem. No answer.
    3. Solo and group theater runs for movies and opera – Saw Mercy. Opera with with a friend (Doug played).
    4. Major meal plan adjustments – Tried Cook Unity and hated it. What next?
    5. Python financial exercise – Uploaded the download of checking account statements. Created categories. Majority of line items could not be categorized due to lack of data.
    6. A mirror on the wall – Hired Brady to hang the oak frame mirror on bedroom wall. He also took out the garbage/recycling for me… and helped with the pantry door.
    7. Beyond Belief LBs converted to LBs – Homework is done.
    8. Consistent weight training at Bedford Crossing mini facility – That means the floor space between recliner and TV
    9. Subscription app graveyard tour – Set up numbers free trials for finance assistance. Most likely will stay with Rocket Money
    10. The great PayPal categorization detective work – The great PayPal categorization detective work. Took 6 hours with duel windows to look up the names of transactions. Then did the same for Amazon to know how to categorize purchases.
    11. Facebook page launch for literary fraud – Just being silly.
    12. Breakfast ransom negotiation at Perkins –
    13. Apple ID hostage situation
    14. Feline defensive arm sleeve failure – Bought Medieval Arm Bracers from two different places, leather, but the fit isn’t exactly what I need. Tried football forearm sleeves and even that doesn’t work.
    15. Written amazing future life that requires unlimited funds – Have three different paragraphs of what I would do.
    16. New original music consumption and critical analysis – As a Jared Halley Patreon, I received notice of his newest original song and I wasn’t that thrilled with it.
    17. Midjourney image generation quota depletion – To create blank book covers, I practiced with all different sorts of props. I went a bit overboard such that I ran out my quota of imaged generations.
    18. Walking against the current more than once – Returned back to the Princeton Club West another day to walk in the resistance pool.

    Theme song: “Here I Go Again” – Whitesnake; decoration colors: Asphalt black and caution tape yellow.

    Day 21 Status: Still standing. Cat remains unrepentant. Weights lifted consistently despite existential exhaustion. Exit survey: Would I want this again? Irrelevant, already scheduled for next gap. One lesson learned: Fake book titles require real design work. Concrete wilderness yields to those who refuse to stop—even when direction remains uncertain.

  • Dot Tattoo

    I accidentally got a tattoo when I was about 10 or 11. At this age, I only assisted with the process of tattooing the young kid goats inside their ears. I must have had an open wound on my forearm, maybe the size of the head of a large sewing push pen. And maybe some of the tattoo ink got rubbed into the wound. Anyway I had a nice little dot for most of my life.

    As an adult, on my Action list, I always wanted a yin yang tattoo but I never knew where to put it. Recently someone told me about their bicep circle that included multiple yin yangs attached. I am very tempted to talk to a tattoo artist about some possible designs. I asked my piercing Technician if I needed to worry about waiting till I had more muscle tone to think about adding a tattoo. He said no, that was not necessary but I should talk to a tattoo technician to gain more insights.

  • Drafting a Personals Ad

    After half a decade of isolation

    …looking to start completely fresh, focusing on physical fitness, personal growth and creating purpose in my life. The number one aspect that is missing is an important intimate relationship. A recent self assessment that I took told me that my values are a desire to be liked, fun and entertainment, and independence yet regarding independence I do crave working on projects as a team. I have a strong interest in learning about AI. I use Claude, Purpose and Pi nearly daily. I have a cat and a guinea pig. I have been training my guinea pig to do agility obstacles. I don’t cook. I have a great talent for organizing yet when it comes to cleaning up the apartment I tend to put off stuff in favor of doing more interesting activities. I’m sure I must have 100 apps on my phone but it turns out I probably use maybe 5 on a daily basis. Somewhere in my past, I became brand loyal for example: Hellmann’s mayonnaise, Apple computers, Ford trucks. I wish I had a dog.

  • It’s Been a Day

    If my count is correct, there have been 24 appointments with TK. This is the equivalent of one day. I was snooping through the collection of after visit notes and unfortunately, even reading the notes, I don’t remember what was talked about in the beginning. When I speculate on why memory is lacking. I just come up with nonproductive reasons. It is in the past. Let it go. Except I do keep obsessing on how “it’s been a day.”

    “Today was a day. Tomorrow will also be a day. The next 21 days will follow this pattern. The calendar offers no exceptions.

    —Unknown.

    I’m not doing an agenda (for our next session). Not creating one has contributed to life being much calmer for the past two weeks. Normally I have a running draft which turns into a bloated list of topics. Was this change a strategic decision or merely a depressive giving up? I don’t know. I think there has been a lot less anxiety anticipating the next session. I’m doing much better at repeatedly squashing the need to see TK. Sometimes the action must be more like a Hulk SMASH, as if feelings are ragdolls being punished. Maybe, just simple distraction rather than coping strength. Perhaps no time to be obsessing due to the full line up this week of appointments: medical, self-care, social, hobbies, informational. Yet, an alternative theory, perhaps no agenda is more about shutting down early, because it all ends at 2pm and stays completely gone for another big gap.

  • Time to Sign Apartment Lease

    Two bags down; Factor box in; Pretty Litter box in.
     
    Time to sign apartment lease. (Didn’t that just happen?) Notes left on doors all down the hallway. Of course there is rent increase. Time to be proactive to fix some small details. I need track lighting bulb replaced. I want the pantry door removed. I wish the bathroom door and patio door didn’t squeak. The toilet handle sticks.
     
    Ceiling is too high. Even if I felt confident in my climbing balance, I don’t have access to a ladder to reach the lightbulb. For years I wanted the 2 panel accordion door completely removed from the pantry. Max litterbox is on the floor and the setup would benefit from less paw banging surface. Access to the shelves would be improved. If you spray WD-40 on the outside of hinges, will the liquid be able to squeeze inside? The toilet handle didn’t stick for the first 11 years of residence. Did the mechanics wear out normally? Did a roommate cause extra strain?
     
    What else can I ask to be fixed or updated?
     
    Want Brady to hang wall mirror, which has been tucked in a narrow storage space for 13 years. Removing the bed made wall space. Want to replace the cat claw shredded office chair; replace with an adjustable chair to complement the art desk. Someday, love seat – tight fit – for the main area would allow invitations to watch movies/TV with others. Maybe second recliner?
     
    Rayhne suggested Badger go to bedroom? Silly idea! ESA (emotional support animal) status requires he provide visual entertainment. Badger is 2yr this month.

  • List of Limiting Beliefs (Draft)

    Re: Do you feel like you have a solid idea of your limiting beliefs?

    I don’t know. Maybe.

    Process

    I read the first chapters of Beyond Belief and started working through the Change Guide, learning what limiting belief look like. I commandeered a few of the examples because they seem spot on as applying to me. Then I did a major brain dump thinking about my life. After I came up with items under each category, I asked Pi AI to determine common themes, and labeled them as “Possible primary”.

    Fear

    I may need to collapse additional similar items into common central themes? I don’t know if I was too specific when I wrote these? I still need to read 2/3 of Beyond Belief, so there may be more instructions I don’t know about. I’m scared Tim is going to be overwhelmed that this list is too long or constructed wrong and disappointed that I only got 15% into the ACT book before jumping to something different.

    Conclusion

    Reading about discouraging things definitely makes me feel even more discouraged.
    🙁

  • Sleepless, Contemplative

    Awake 22 hours. Most recently, Max constant asleep 6 hours next to me; apparently feline contact can be the equivalent of 5 hugs daily, per author of DOSE. Normally to catalyze tears, must run movies from the crying list. Tonight, a rarity, sitting quiet in emptiness with wandering thoughts pushes them through. Functioning on the bare minimum, log in to work and feed the pets; just let all else skip. Wait. Wait out. Breathe. Wait for passage. Something will happen and move back to the below zero baseline.
     
    Chills. Both the thermostat and the Whitney Point blanket are equal distance. Sit with discomfort, instead. Closed eyes just causes a silent music video to auto generate. Bizarre imagery themes, flowing one to another. Lots of holes, falling, trapped, charcoal Swiss cheese like passages. Philippe (Matthew Broderick) is swimming through the sewer for escape. Seventeen creatures assemble in an overcast meadow, none are in the correct placement.
     
    Across the mountain, an enormous elk is trapped solid in sheets of ice; the woodsman brings a mallet to snap the bondage away. The elk thunders away with thanks. Somewhere else the calmlings either sing, lecture, or quote poetry. They all hate work and seek sympathy for back pain. The do love unusual vocabulary.
     
    The Budweiser commercial is out of focus; can only pretend to know what the clydesdale foal is up to for cuteness, and perhaps mischief. My own 2026 fire horse is stuck in half done; stuck in analysis paralysis.

  • 2-for-1 Sale

    Max bites twice. More coagulated blood a top of past bruises. What I thought was a cleaver solution I tried, fails to deliver. Maybe my best purpose is cat toy.

    I returned to exploring MyChart after visit notes from all sorts of people in my past. The greatest disappointment is Stephen Weiler, favorite PDoc, records will not load.

    Taking a break from non-fiction. Enticed by 2 for 1 sale on Audible.

    Fantasy. The Seven Virtues. “Aaron pulled the sword free of the sheath at his back and lunged forward, plunging the cold steel through the heart of the other man before he had a chance to draw his own blade.” Compassion may be the first of seven virtues.

    Novel. I See You’ve Called in Dead. Obituary writer Bud Stanley isn’t really living his best life. He’s about to be fired for accidentally publishing his own obituary one mildly drunken night. He goes to the wakes and funerals of total strangers to learn how to live. His friends give him some pretty good advice.

    Both books started strong based on the previews. Struggling to stick with the new books past the middle chapters.

    Left the apartment. A weekend delivery: needed my milk and Mountain Dew. “…trying to build routine” is mostly fail. Insomnia. Not eating. Reestablished my workout record system. Now, just need to actually record. One act of social courage planned this week.

    I’m grateful for Haagen-Dazs vanilla milk chocolate almond ice cream bars. I just don’t want one right now. Having a hard time wanting anything.