Searching Within

Journaling

  • Hard Decisions

    How to decided what spending to stop/let go/sacrifice? How to plan to not spend on things and services in the future?

    I canceled two patreons: $6 JS and $27 JHM. But I really did like supporting Jared Halley, grid style cover songs; that loss stings hard. I downgraded Claude, but already remember why I like the max level. I tried to cancel Shutterstock subscription, but there’s a harsh cancellation fee. Canceled Pretty Litter subscription and will switch Max to a cheaper alternative. Couple of other piddly things that I dropped as well this weekend. On average Uber is about $345 monthly. While I have been able to glean all the monthly recurring expenses into a spreadsheet, my tools and brain have yet to know how much I spend on irregular purchases and services and then categorize everything and see the final amounts.

    An article about top 10 apps that are replacements for Mint—what I used previously and which closed down a few years ago—I did trials on most of the list. Discouraged how hard it is to find an app that meets my criteria.

    Parking spots are available in apartment building. I qualify for Princeton Club discount.

    I found a vehicle in my price range. But it got sold while thinking. Now, waiting for dealership salesman to call about other options. Dark brain is thinking salesman doesn’t want to work with me since hours have past without hearing back again. Applying patience historically feels negative. Rarely feels like a good thing. Storm brewing and not a matter of the mystical fairies sorting things out in the background.

  • Weighing Options: Money, Muscle, Beliefs

    At SPARK 2026, we were asked: “What would you do if money were no object?” I skipped the assignment—too much pressure. But since the seminar, I’ve written three versions. The boldest ideas originated from a time in my mid-20s. Is there therapeutic value—or just fun—in sharing the exercise result with Tim? There may be benefit to analyzing correlations to developing realistic goals for my near future.

    Recently, I’ve declared my primary goal is body health—specifically rebuilding muscle. The resistance pool at Princeton Club West (wishful thinking: New Berlin) is my preferred path. I’ve always loved this water workout, and enjoyment is what sustains fitness effort, right? I need a membership and a vehicle. Other possible paths involve relocation. Is Tim the right person to create legitimate implementation steps? All paths start with budget clarity—knowing what I can actually afford. Efforts to locate a financial advisor have been unsuccessful.

    Working with Pi, I transformed my limiting beliefs into liberating ones. I believe my rebuilding muscle seems to harmonize, is connected to the body image section. Another LB/LB that stands out, and is timely, is about PWS. Perhaps talking about a couple of prime liberating beliefs is a good start. I hope Tim will have a chance to glance through the plethora of pages and identify the most important ones to focus on first.

    And, I have a better understanding now of the difference between an intrusive thought and a limiting belief.

  • Once Again it is 5 am

    Max is doing the pawing of my stuff on the side table. I’m forced to get up. Then he walks very slowing in front of me as I work my way to the bathroom. He does this over the shoulder glance to keep track of where I’m going. I give him a cat appropriate sideways foot butt in the butt with a sharp, “move!”

    Might be time for treats. I grab the the plastic jar. I toss a single, tiny crumb across the room. He runs to find the tasty bite. He is not perfect at this game. He needs to see where it lands. He is not very patient to use scent location. And I wonder what the condition of the underside of the kitchen stove will be like one day. No barrier of protection if I miss throw in that direction. I do enjoy his sliding on the wood floor when he negotiates his approach to the door and finding his crumb.

    I feel like an ungrateful custodian and companion, but the truth is he’s a little bit dumb. Perhaps the high volume of unfound crumbs will be a surprise find later. For both me and him.

    And then time later, the treats merely made the hacking a hairball possible. Clean up to Aisle one.

  • Better to Forge the Truth

    Input. what does this mean: “Better to forge the truth”

    Output: “Better to forge the truth” isn’t a common phrase in English. If I were to interpret it, I’d say it sounds like a call to create or shape one’s own truth—like a blacksmith forging metal into a new form. Or maybe it’s a reminder that our reality is malleable, and we have a hand in shaping it.

    Did you come across this phrase somewhere or make it up? That might shed more light on its meaning.

    Input. I made it up. It was meant to mean facing something that could not be ignored.

    Output: Ah, I see! So, your intention was to convey a sense of urgency and necessity in facing certain things—like, “Better to forge ahead and face the truth than to avoid or ignore it.” That makes a lot of sense. The phrase has a poetic, enigmatic quality to it, so it might not be immediately clear to everyone, but that’s what makes it interesting!

  • Day 19 = 90.4%

    I had multiple count downs across devices to help ease the passage of time; re: absence of Tim. I survived the holiday break. But living through one difficulty doesn’t mean a near identical one is easy. Another stretch dealing of absence of Tim. I set up a count down timer app on my iPhone. I manually entered count down numbers as events every day on my calendars at home and work. Reasoning: better to just embrace that I will be wanting the data often. Better to forge the truth than recalculate nearly everyday: when will this end, what has passed, and how far is yet to go.

    Funny how two consecutive days would have completely opposite anxiety. Checking the count on one day was peaceful and benign. Yet the next day there was lots of anxiety: a need for breathing and squashing.

    Perhaps the most helpful tool was abandoning the traditional calendar all together. Instead I had a simple notepad where each line was an event so several days had multiple line items. A perpetual day view. Highlighting similar activities; calculating not just the day of the count but the percentage of how far I’d survived.

    For work, I requested the next six weeks of Fridays to be vacation days. My supervisor asked if I was making a permanent schedule change or merely using up carryover leave. I answered “using up.” He had no concerns.

    I have an incredible amount of time banked: vacation, sick, and sabbatical. Why no thoughts of something I want to do with all that paid leave? Tim can’t be the plan.

  • CNY Fire Horse

    When I joined the Tai Chi Center of Madison, I began to learn facts about Chinese culture, such as the Chinese zodiac. 2011 was the year of the Rabbit. I’m a rabbit. I designed my first Chinese zodiac animal. At the time I was attending Princeton Club regularly and I liked the athletic designs found in the gift shop. So I picked the same athletic font and did a circle surrounding a yin yang.

    I spent a lot of time researching. Well that’s not true: I just asked Paul. Exactly which side of yin yang is the black and is the fat portion at the top or the bottom? (Clockwise, small to big, small to big, black Yin being on the right.) Once I knew the symbol orientation, I made a rabbit, one ear bent, one straight and positioned him to poke out from the base of the black; hanging out over the edge, his paws holding the white dot.

    Once I did the rabbit my fate was basically set to do the entire 12 animals over the next decade. The year 2023 was especially important, because that was my animal / element anniversary: it had been 60 years since the last water rabbit in 1963.

    An email arrived from a Tai Chi student, letting me know that the link was broke to my CafePress store and she was wondering if there were any horse designs for 2026. I have the horse posted from twelve years ago, but have updated the year, 2026. I asked her how serious she was about wanting a fire horse and perhaps I could make one for her.

    PWS (90) = metal horse; Tim (77) might be a fire dragon or fire snake.

  • Lacking the Giving Tree Grace

    New Start has called me three times, over the about two months, looking for PWS. I informed the caller that he does not live at this address any longer, and No, I do not know where he is living now. “Do I know how to get in touch with him?” No. But, I could provide the contact information for his PO. “Alright, no, thanks.” Each time, the caller sounded disappointed, sad, and a bit lost.

    Awhile back, there has been two attempts to stop by to get into the locker. But he never shows up per the plan.

    Rick called me one day asking where PWS is staying. No idea dude.

    No USPS mail has arrived.

    Today text received: “Can you Venmo me $20? I’m trying to do laundry. I get paid on Wednesday and will pay you back. They just gave me a promotion.” And so why do I want to give him $20 when I don’t know where he lives? I don’t know where he works. He hasn’t said one word to me — of conversation — since the last time he came to get stuff out of the locker.

    The easy thing would be to just not respond. The mature thing would be to say No. Claude says these are both AVOIDING what I actually feel. The filled with growth thing would be saying… something hopeful, realistic, open, honest. But growth is lacking.

    In my fantasy… what if the text said something like “I’m short, I need $20 for laundry. Is there some errand I could do for you?” Or would it all be different if he asked to use the washer/dryer?

    Oh I guess I’m off the hook. New message said: NVM. All good.

  • HVZ – The Goat Yard

    During therapy with Jon, he suggested that I seek out a volunteer/service activity. After thinking through some options, I applied at the Literacy Agency. My first helpee didn’t need remedial reading help. We only met a couple of times before she stopped participating. I lost interest and didn’t request a new paring.

    Why am I pursing the HVZ Goat Yard? Primarily because the activity of volunteering seems high on many peoples’ list of how to emerge from isolation and to do something that contributes. I’m basically being proactive before more people nag me with suggestions on how I should add volunteering. And if I get in front of the idea to pick something I might be truly interested in.

    If selected, I will be pared with a shift partner. I will establish a consistent weekly shift. I will be required to be nice to people, answer questions about goats, and pass out treats. I think I remember that there is sweeping involved. Volunteers don’t have the husbandry level of knowledge and experience to actually be involved in feeding and tending the goats inside their yard. That is disappointing.

    Assuming I get picked to volunteer, I don’t foresee a three-hour shift once a week to be a problem. I have lots of time off. I just need to pick the most advantageous shift time to last me throughout the summer till Labor Day. There is a system for swapping shifts as needed.

    The prerequisite for getting excited about HVZ volunteering: transportation. I’m highly considering the purchase of a new bike.

  • Cast of Characters Artwork

    There has been no progress on the Cast of Characters. I wanted to edit the mood variable. Tim asked about the mood definitions I assigned. Tim wondered about including anxious. I need to rethink the gang. I’m not sure how invested I am in spending a great deal more time. Most likely this loss of enthusiasm is related to the fact that I don’t have a human to have meaningful conversations about the exercise.

    Drifting away from the bio edits, I want to describe to Tim the art aspect that I’ve been pursuing. There are seventeen parts and each one has a totem. I want a photographic image of all the totems gathered in a half circle, facing the viewer. The only character facing away is Anne. Since I don’t want a face depicted, she will be at the front of the group turned toward the full assembly. I’ve carefully decided who will be placed where. The rabbit (Beth) and the mouse (Naive) would be lost sitting on the meadow floor with the wildflowers. The rabbit will be paired with the lion (Levi), resting on the top of his head, and the mouse will be paired with the lamb (Gullible), positioned on his withers. Spirit will hover at Anne’s shoulder. The three largest animals will be together in the middle: unicorn, draft horse, and highland cow.

    I can see everyone so clearly. I’ve been learning and practicing AI prompts for Midjourney. I’m finding the limitations. Midjourney doesn’t understand animal breeds like Clydesdale or Belgian draft horse or Californian rabbit or Suffolk lamb.

  • How to Survive 21 Days in the Concrete Wilderness: Select Talking Points

    Most points resist conversation. They exist. They occurred. That is sufficient. Time methodology: Document everything. Categorize obsessively. No actual wilderness skills required—only the ability to endure bureaucracy, technology failures, and one’s own brain.

    1. Rogue ride to the water park success – rental car, Nissan Rogue, the weekend I last met with Tim. Seeing Cynthia was fun. Returning all the return packages was easy. Bought pig veggies at Whole Foods and Sonoma Chicken Salad. Saturday trip to New Berlin went well. Google Maps sent me on a path that was not what I wanted. Took notes about possible plans: how to get to the resistance pool on a regular basis.
    2. Cat Behaviorist hasn’t answered my inquiry – Sent a long write up explaining my Max problem. No answer.
    3. Solo and group theater runs for movies and opera – Saw Mercy. Opera with with a friend (Doug played).
    4. Major meal plan adjustments – Tried Cook Unity and hated it. What next?
    5. Python financial exercise – Uploaded the download of checking account statements. Created categories. Majority of line items could not be categorized due to lack of data.
    6. A mirror on the wall – Hired Brady to hang the oak frame mirror on bedroom wall. He also took out the garbage/recycling for me… and helped with the pantry door.
    7. Beyond Belief LBs converted to LBs – Homework is done.
    8. Consistent weight training at Bedford Crossing mini facility – That means the floor space between recliner and TV
    9. Subscription app graveyard tour – Set up numbers free trials for finance assistance. Most likely will stay with Rocket Money
    10. The great PayPal categorization detective work – The great PayPal categorization detective work. Took 6 hours with duel windows to look up the names of transactions. Then did the same for Amazon to know how to categorize purchases.
    11. Facebook page launch for literary fraud – Just being silly.
    12. Breakfast ransom negotiation at Perkins –
    13. Apple ID hostage situation
    14. Feline defensive arm sleeve failure – Bought Medieval Arm Bracers from two different places, leather, but the fit isn’t exactly what I need. Tried football forearm sleeves and even that doesn’t work.
    15. Written amazing future life that requires unlimited funds – Have three different paragraphs of what I would do.
    16. New original music consumption and critical analysis – As a Jared Halley Patreon, I received notice of his newest original song and I wasn’t that thrilled with it.
    17. Midjourney image generation quota depletion – To create blank book covers, I practiced with all different sorts of props. I went a bit overboard such that I ran out my quota of imaged generations.
    18. Walking against the current more than once – Returned back to the Princeton Club West another day to walk in the resistance pool.

    Theme song: “Here I Go Again” – Whitesnake; decoration colors: Asphalt black and caution tape yellow.

    Day 21 Status: Still standing. Cat remains unrepentant. Weights lifted consistently despite existential exhaustion. Exit survey: Would I want this again? Irrelevant, already scheduled for next gap. One lesson learned: Fake book titles require real design work. Concrete wilderness yields to those who refuse to stop—even when direction remains uncertain.