Journaling

If my count is correct, there have been 24 appointments with TK. This is the equivalent of one day. I was snooping through the collection of after visit notes and unfortunately, even reading the notes, I don’t remember what was talked about in the beginning. When I speculate on why memory is lacking. I just come up with nonproductive reasons. It is in the past. Let it go. Except I do keep obsessing on how “it’s been a day.”

“Today was a day. Tomorrow will also be a day. The next 21 days will follow this pattern. The calendar offers no exceptions.

—Unknown.

I’m not doing an agenda (for our next session). Not creating one has contributed to life being much calmer for the past two weeks. Normally I have a running draft which turns into a bloated list of topics. Was this change a strategic decision or merely a depressive giving up? I don’t know. I think there has been a lot less anxiety anticipating the next session. I’m doing much better at repeatedly squashing the need to see TK. Sometimes the action must be more like a Hulk SMASH, as if feelings are ragdolls being punished. Maybe, just simple distraction rather than coping strength. Perhaps no time to be obsessing due to the full line up this week of appointments: medical, self-care, social, hobbies, informational. Yet, an alternative theory, perhaps no agenda is more about shutting down early, because it all ends at 2pm and stays completely gone for another big gap.

Two bags down; Factor box in; Pretty Litter box in.
 
Time to sign apartment lease. (Didn’t that just happen?) Notes left on doors all down the hallway. Of course there is rent increase. Time to be proactive to fix some small details. I need track lighting bulb replaced. I want the pantry door removed. I wish the bathroom door and patio door didn’t squeak. The toilet handle sticks.
 
Ceiling is too high. Even if I felt confident in my climbing balance, I don’t have access to a ladder to reach the lightbulb. For years I wanted the 2 panel accordion door completely removed from the pantry. Max litterbox is on the floor and the setup would benefit from less paw banging surface. Access to the shelves would be improved. If you spray WD-40 on the outside of hinges, will the liquid be able to squeeze inside? The toilet handle didn’t stick for the first 11 years of residence. Did the mechanics wear out normally? Did a roommate cause extra strain?
 
What else can I ask to be fixed or updated?
 
Want Brady to hang wall mirror, which has been tucked in a narrow storage space for 13 years. Removing the bed made wall space. Want to replace the cat claw shredded office chair; replace with an adjustable chair to complement the art desk. Someday, love seat – tight fit – for the main area would allow invitations to watch movies/TV with others. Maybe second recliner?
 
Rayhne suggested Badger go to bedroom? Silly idea! ESA (emotional support animal) status requires he provide visual entertainment. Badger is 2yr this month.

Re: Do you feel like you have a solid idea of your limiting beliefs?

I don’t know. Maybe.

Process

I read the first chapters of Beyond Belief and started working through the Change Guide, learning what limiting belief look like. I commandeered a few of the examples because they seem spot on as applying to me. Then I did a major brain dump thinking about my life. After I came up with items under each category, I asked Pi AI to determine common themes, and labeled them as “Possible primary”.

Fear

I may need to collapse additional similar items into common central themes? I don’t know if I was too specific when I wrote these? I still need to read 2/3 of Beyond Belief, so there may be more instructions I don’t know about. I’m scared Tim is going to be overwhelmed that this list is too long or constructed wrong and disappointed that I only got 15% into the ACT book before jumping to something different.

Conclusion

Reading about discouraging things definitely makes me feel even more discouraged.
🙁

Awake 22 hours. Most recently, Max constant asleep 6 hours next to me; apparently feline contact can be the equivalent of 5 hugs daily, per author of DOSE. Normally to catalyze tears, must run movies from the crying list. Tonight, a rarity, sitting quiet in emptiness with wandering thoughts pushes them through. Functioning on the bare minimum, log in to work and feed the pets; just let all else skip. Wait. Wait out. Breathe. Wait for passage. Something will happen and move back to the below zero baseline.
 
Chills. Both the thermostat and the Whitney Point blanket are equal distance. Sit with discomfort, instead. Closed eyes just causes a silent music video to auto generate. Bizarre imagery themes, flowing one to another. Lots of holes, falling, trapped, charcoal Swiss cheese like passages. Philippe (Matthew Broderick) is swimming through the sewer for escape. Seventeen creatures assemble in an overcast meadow, none are in the correct placement.
 
Across the mountain, an enormous elk is trapped solid in sheets of ice; the woodsman brings a mallet to snap the bondage away. The elk thunders away with thanks. Somewhere else the calmlings either sing, lecture, or quote poetry. They all hate work and seek sympathy for back pain. The do love unusual vocabulary.
 
The Budweiser commercial is out of focus; can only pretend to know what the clydesdale foal is up to for cuteness, and perhaps mischief. My own 2026 fire horse is stuck in half done; stuck in analysis paralysis.

Max bites twice. More coagulated blood a top of past bruises. What I thought was a cleaver solution I tried, fails to deliver. Maybe my best purpose is cat toy.

I returned to exploring MyChart after visit notes from all sorts of people in my past. The greatest disappointment is Stephen Weiler, favorite PDoc, records will not load.

Taking a break from non-fiction. Enticed by 2 for 1 sale on Audible.

Fantasy. The Seven Virtues. “Aaron pulled the sword free of the sheath at his back and lunged forward, plunging the cold steel through the heart of the other man before he had a chance to draw his own blade.” Compassion may be the first of seven virtues.

Novel. I See You’ve Called in Dead. Obituary writer Bud Stanley isn’t really living his best life. He’s about to be fired for accidentally publishing his own obituary one mildly drunken night. He goes to the wakes and funerals of total strangers to learn how to live. His friends give him some pretty good advice.

Both books started strong based on the previews. Struggling to stick with the new books past the middle chapters.

Left the apartment. A weekend delivery: needed my milk and Mountain Dew. “…trying to build routine” is mostly fail. Insomnia. Not eating. Reestablished my workout record system. Now, just need to actually record. One act of social courage planned this week.

I’m grateful for Haagen-Dazs vanilla milk chocolate almond ice cream bars. I just don’t want one right now. Having a hard time wanting anything.

Dark out. A day of ultimate isolation. Did not open the front door, did not open the patio door, and did not even enter the bedroom. I could step out onto the cement patio in t-shirt and jeans, and barefoot just to feel something. Similar shock as a cold shower?
 
When you’re feeling really really crappy and nothing people say is soothing… apparently there is a magical phrase that would help but it’s a mystery, even to oneself. What’s the name of this situation? And of course, even worse when the someone is imaginary.
 
It was a special kind of day where there is absolutely no todo list, the day proceeds, and as something inspiring causes attention, there’s follow-through, but there’s no plan, no expectations, no ultimate goal except to live through the day. Like for example you never put on a todo list: take out a new roll of toilet paper and put it next to the toilet or take the empty Mountain Dew carton out of the fridge (now it would’ve been really something if carton had been torn apart and put in the garbage).
 
Core ball balance, all-time best. Accomplished a lengthy amount of time with 12 points of contact; it’s fingertips, not palms, this time, slowly stretching upward, activate the back and glute muscles; at one point, one hand was resting lightly on a knee.
 
Downloaded photos from camera and iPhone. Organized such subjects as Thanksgiving and Hop Garden.
 
Months have passed since the curiosity was first launched: I still don’t know the purpose of the 3-D printer.