Searching Within

Journaling

  • Check Reality

    Extremely afraid that whatever growth, amazing growth, progress that I’m making, perhaps will cause my growth admirers to expect all growth to happen at the same rate.

    Took today off. Even after multiple days since vacation and holiday, I am struggling to be productive at work. Luckily my history of being incredibly productive and efficient lets me hide in my non-productivity. I’m experiencing a lot of guilt for not being able to maintain my high standard.

    I’m sad that Tim doesn’t see my worst. Perhaps just telling him and him just knowing it exists is good enough. But he never gets to hear or see or know that after I get off the phone from a session that there’s a bit of a crash. I have to concentrate hard to find things to do, distracting myself from the dark depression.

    Today’s focus is the misplaced check from CarMax. I’ve conducted a search of about 80-90%. JC, lack of feeling, is confident it will turn up. I’m worried that the massive apartment clean and reorganization caused accidentally thrown out. I realized there are basically two choices: Call CarMax and ask for replacement – feelings: scary-guilty-stupid; or, just add the $150 to the overall net loss – easiest, financially unwise.

    Turns out what happens about the lost check is not the most important. A deep dive into what’s really going on is the wish for somebody to say, “Wow this must be rebringing up all those feelings about the car and PWS. Whatever you decide to do about the check will be okay.”

  • Clean the Dryer Vent

    Received notice apartment maintenance needed to enter the apartment to clean the dryer vent.

    • To prepare I should pick up the dirty fleece bedding that is piled in front of the closet, waiting to be scraped and washed.
    • To prepare I should break down the boxes and cardboard cluttered at the front door.
    • To prepare I should bag up loose garbage sitting around the kitchen and front door.
    • To prepare I should pull down the disposable cat litter pans that are stored on top of the dryer and set them aside out of the way.
    • To prepare I should move the dirty clothes basket sitting in the hallway in front of the closet.
    • To prepare perhaps I should pick up some of the loose garbage in the bathroom and add it to the garbage bag in the kitchen because a bag was never put into the bathroom trash receptacle.
    • To prepare perhaps I should take the empty pizza boxes and bag them up as garbage.
    • To prepare perhaps I should take the empty Factor75 boxes or the empty Mounjaro box and place them out of the way in the bedroom.
    • To prepare perhaps I should take a stack of washcloths (dirty ones) from the bathroom and put them in the dirty clothes basket designated for linens.
    • To prepare perhaps I should check the two sides of the washer dryer unit to make sure nothing is leaning against them.

    During the assessment stage of the work to be done and while starting to do the work, I see that one side of the kitchen sink is full of bottles, unopened, containing carbonated water with a flavor. I think it was an 8-pack. I sampled one and found it disgusting and put the rest of them in the sink, thinking I would open them all and drain them and put the empty bottles into a recycling bag. That’s already been ten days ago. They’re still sitting in the sink. I asked myself: what would it be like if maybe, absolutely never going to happen, maybe? What if Tim was to stop by? Would I want him to see this mess? How would I feel if he saw this mess?

    I felt ashamed. I felt stupid. Stupid for buying them in the first place. Inadequate because I don’t like the flavor of this drink. Wasteful because now I plan to just throw it away. Lazy because I haven’t thrown it away yet.

    Yeah completely silly that I would think that thinking of TK stopping by actually would have any effect because that thought experiment doesn’t work. He would never stop by. Quickly I change the thought experiment to say, “What if Ben was to stop by?” And that thought experiment fizzled into a poof of smoke because that doesn’t seem plausible either.

    So after maybe five, maybe ten minutes (closer to five), moving quickly around to put the little bit of garbage, dirty clothes away, moving the cardboard boxes to the other room. I need to sit down. I’ve already done too much. My back is hurting. I need to sit down for probably ten minutes before I get up and try again.

    And perhaps since it is Tuesday and a workday, I should sit, log into work, and take a look at my things to do and hopefully not get too distracted. I still need to come back and finish preparing the laundry area for the invasion of Apartment Maintenance in order to clean the dryer vent.

    And it is possible that everything I listed as to prepare is not absolutely necessary but it would take more mental energy to Re-calibrate the list. For now I’m going to pause on thinking about and doing clean up.

  • Two Quotes

    Maybe healing isn’t trying to get back to who you were but it’s accepting who you become.
    —Drew Lynch

    Over-analyzing your emotions. Self-awareness without action just becomes self-obsession. Thinking about change isn’t the same thing as actually doing it.
    —Mark Manson

  • Getting Your Way

    Getting your way, getting what you want, having things work out, having things go your way — are all — basically the same circumstances — that can temporarily defeat depression.

    Suddenly get an idea, a want—Then run through all the logistics to implement the idea; the pros the cons; each time the solution lands close to what you want to happen, the excitement builds; but the list of cons won’t stop re-appearing and wanting attention. The spiraling begins, wishy-washy, torture. Unable to calm the storm. What ever pleasure gained from the original idea is lost in the stampede.

    Deflating things — causing any previous decision to be questioned

    • second guessing
    • not knowing the rules
    • low self confidence.

  • Best Questions for Planning the New Year

    What would you like to do differently in 2026? In terms of

    • what would you like to continue doing,
      • hope TK continues to include me in logistical updates this spring
    • what would you like to start doing,
      • ! Financial advisor
      • Practice ways to be more comfortable on camera
      • Make liter box cleaning an action item on calendar
    • what would you like to stop doing?
      • Fighting sleep
      • Letting Philip issues derail found peace

  • Daily Journal Prompts

    Rediscovered: an interesting set of simple journaling prompts

    • What are you feeling?
    • What are you thinking?
    • What can you do for yourself today?
    • What can you do for yourself tomorrow?
    • What am I grateful for?

    From March 11, 2021, source unknown.

  • 2025: A Year of Self-Discovery and Growth

    Marking gratitude across a multitude of areas.

    HEALTH & WELLNESS

    • Health: Released from needing to wear my daily Dexcom 7 diabetes sensor
    • Fitness: Transformed physical endurance through silly activity for a few minutes daily, leading to great changes
    • Emotional Health: Registered Badger as ESA
    • Emotional Health: Partnered with Counselor Timothy K.
    • Diet: Subscribed to Factor75

    PERSONAL GROWTH

    • Habits: Maintained daily journaling, including a multitude of intents
    • Hobbies: Explored AI companions (PI, Claude, Purpose, Replika)
    • Impulse: Invited myself to Thanksgiving dinner, TKB
    • Reconnect: Reached out to cousin DB
    • Sent: Christmas present to relative; parent said it arrived and he likes the gift

    MEDIA & ARTS

    • Art: Learned Blackout poetry
    • Project: Completed photo digitizing
    • Music, acapella: Discovered JaredHalley, amazing grid work presentations (signed up as patron)
    • Music, instrumental: Transported to picturesque landscapes through 40 FINGERS videos
    • Fiction: Devoured Falling in a Sea of Stars by Kristen Britain
    • Non Fiction: Embraced the message (9 Life Lessons speech) in You Don’t Have to Have a Dream… by Tim Minchin
    • Movies: Caught the thrills with M:I 8
    • Streaming: Watched Stranger Things Final Season
    • Comedy: Laughed at Ricky Gervais and Tom Segura
    • Remembrance: Mourned Robert Redford’s passing

    TECHNOLOGY

    *Appreciate software: Flow (dictation) after trial period purchased subscription

    For 2026 Already Started…

    • Writing: Work through the 52-Week OM Journaling prompts
    • Self help / life coaches: narrow down a favorite among Ali Abdaal, Matthew Hussey, Lewis Howes, Mel Robbins, Chris Williamson, Mark Manson — so far liking Abdaal and Manson the best
    • Workshop and Audiobook: The DOSE Effect: Optimize Your Brain and Body by Boosting Your Dopamine, Oxytocin, Serotonin, and Endorphins by T.J. Power
    • Workshop and Audiobook: Tiny Experiments by Anne-Laure Le Cunff
    • Workshop and Pre-ordered Book: Beyond Belief by Nir Eyan
    • Audiobooks: The two F*cked books (2016, 2019) by Mark Manson
    • Podcast: SOLVED by Mark Manson
    • Invaluable conversations with Purpose AI.
    • Gave a blackout poetry piece to Doug for his birthday

    Looking Forward to…

    • Therapy topics to explore: attachment styles, external locus of control, Wheel of Life assessment, Cast of Characters, and self-compassion practices
    • Hobbies: Explore AI
    • Crazy idea 1: Design my own AI and find someone to help build
    • Crazy idea 2: Compose outline for my boo: The Care and Feeding of the Adult Human
    • Movies releasing this year: Greenland 2, Crime 101, Project Hail Mary, The Odyssey

  • 9 Lessons for Life Speech

    I stumbled on the speech by Tim Minchin. I’ve listened to the speech more than 10 times. For the simple reasons: the humor and the rhythm. But mostly for the advice.

    One: You don’t have to have a dream. …
    Two: Don’t seek happiness. …
    Three: Remember it’s all luck. …
    Four: Exercise. …
    Five: Be hard on your opinions. …
    Six: Be a teacher! …
    Seven: Define yourself by what you love. …
    Eight: Respect people with less power than you.
    Nine: Don’t rush

  • Triathlon 2008

    I had a GT Backwoods mountain bike, Atkins Verona Bicycle Shoppe. White with just the right amount of red and black. Thick knobby tires. Installed, behind the seat: rack, black box, and panniers.

    Work day. Drive from Mount Horeb. Parking lot at Olin Park. Ride along the lake. Arrive at GEF II.

    Many times, riding my awesome bike on the way home… bikers, joggers, boats on the lake, cars traveling past, sunshine, my favorite puffy clouds. Why can’t I be happy? Everyone all seem content. Admittedly, I don’t know what goes on in their heads. I focus on my strength of my thighs, the grip of the handle bars, the breeze, the beauty of the water. Nothing. I feel nothing. Emptiness. Each cycle of the peddles takes me to truck, to belt line, to drive, to home. Then what? The workout report will include this ride. What is next?

    KTT said I needed something more outside of the gym. He suggested, “Do the Devil’s Challenge Triathlon, September 2008.” I signed up. I trained. I did a lake practice swim. I showed up. I had the map and all the advice.

    Everyone had someone, waiting, watching. Buzz of race atmosphere.

    I desperately wanted to ask KTT if he’d be there. But no. He wasn’t mine. Just a trainer and client.

    I finished. But I felt empty. My accomplishment didn’t stick. Drove home alone.

    I loved my bike. A machine was my partner. I have the obligatory photo as I run into the finish. Nice photo. I actually look pretty good. No one to show it too. Why can’t I be happy just for me?

  • Trigger

    TK asked recently, “how often do you think of him.” Today I was triggered.
     
    Simply pouring a cup of milk reminds me of a day of putting away groceries. As he was placing a gallon jug of milk into the refrigerator door shelf. I asked him to adjust the orientation. He wanted to know why, and I said, “My wrist hurts a lot less if the jug is in that position.” He proceeded to explain how he thought a different position would be more advantageous, and I stood there with my mouth open, finally saying, “No, I have established that this position is the best one for me.” He proceeded to want to question my evaluation or decision. Finally, I just had to sternly say, “Do it this way.” To a phantom roommate today, I’m saying in my head, “My apartment, my refrigerator, my groceries, my decision. I shouldn’t have to show you my research that proved that this position in the door shelf is the best one for decreasing the pain in my wrist when lifting a full gallon of milk.”
     
    How do I stop the trigger that results in explaining to a phantom how I want things to be?
     
    I’m looking at my phone multiple times a day anticipating a message requesting to grab stuff from the storage locker.
     
    I missed a text the other day saying he wanted to pick up one specific item. I reply, “When would you like to stop by? I just got your message now.” However, he did not reply. More than a day has passed.
     
    Waiting. Just waiting.
     
    And no more bike fantasies. Questioning my ability to adjust seat height.