Ford Focus to Hanson’s to fix back up lights, another $127
Dinner out with JC; going to wear my baseball cat with “ears” or “wings”
Max still not happy with Wobble Toy to get kibble dinner
Need to make plan to sell car; don’t like it; actual pain getting in and out; too noisy and too many mechanical issues; but it does have new tires!
Need to write back to Jim (Naked Truth)
Need to make notes about for CTK
Clean pig play pen
Worry about what Philip is going to do with coffee table
If I toss the hall runner rug, should I replace with a door mat? Removing runner will allow more space for Wobble Toy to feed Max his kibble
Set up Christmas tree
Note which journal years are in good shape
Make plan for which years to work on next
Finish photo scanning project by putting physical photos to save into new photo archive boxes; maybe make another pass to see if I really need to keep all of them.
Clean based shelves of bear wall and organize, find space for pen/pencil storage boxes
Scan / photograph degrees and throw out degree padded folders
Multiple issues — work and personal — of irritation happened over the last few days. I blew up this morning. One thing just lead to another which resulted in smashing, banging, and cleaning. In serve anger I dump my out of control thoughts on PWS. I demanded that he help clean up the mess I made. Now he is pist at me. However, in anger, he did tell me what was his issues and withdrawal all about.
My feelings: guilt, slight embarrassment, frustration, lack of anger resolution, headache
Relevance: how to avoid poor communication
Re: attempt to reconnect with past platonic relationship
Sent my email to Jim,
Tuesday, October 21, 2025 AM
Jim responded
Oct 25, 2025, 7:12 PM — he…
• recognized last email was three years ago
• didn’t consider my absence as ghosting
• re-read our last exchanges to get reacquainted
• apologies for the thing he said
• yada yada, all cool
• thanked me for sharing recent history
• offers to tell me about his success with WFePB (whole-foods, entirely plant-based) in his eating
• he appreciated my comment that he is a good listener
My feelings: I am waiting a bit to think about what to say next; have fear that I’ll core dumb, burn out and fade again.
Relevance: learning to have healthy, balance relationships
Email to Jim
Message Diane / FaceTime
Fish fry with Janet
Day long workshop at work, presented, organized small group to go to lunch, took charged, flag waiter down to get checks when timer when off to say we needed to head back
Back story first. During a period of hypomania that included posting/responding to personals on craigslist and having lots of promiscuous sex… I met a guy, Jim. We became pen pals. 2007-2011. Never met in person, relationship never became obsessive. Instead, I could tell him anything… long core dumps about everything: childhood abuse, sexual history, orgasm difficulty, mom’s violence, 10 years without sex, everything intimate. He would listen, he would write back, ask questions. The correspondence slowed down, we stopped writing. A decade went by. I impulsively reached out via email anew. 2022. Our intense conversation resumed for a couple of months. He said something, that made me angry? I didn’t know how to reply. Jim learned about the 20 bags of garbage piled up in the apartment and how pain and depression had let things get out of control. Jim then made the connection that if my physical health was so bad, how would I be able to have sex if the opportunity were found. Claude and I discussed. We identified I was feeling shame about the garbage, I was strongly reminded about my fear of future intimacy ability. Without asking, Claude basically gave words for what I’d say to Jim, regarding ghosting him. Now the point to you — I sent Jim email. No expectations. Just to explain the cut off. It doesn’t matter if he is at that address, doesn’t respond. I felt healthier for, maybe, closing the loop? For facing the reason for the ghosting.
Dinner with JC went out — fish fry — at a noisy bar. An item that was troublesome, Claude says I should tell you about. I mentioned to JC that in the elevator going to the lab on Park Street, a man around my age said something to me. Elevator talk like. The key thing for discussion: I wouldn’t even look him in the eye, because I didn’t want to get hopefully that a random, older guy took the time to be nice and speak to me. My feeling in the moment, without looking at him, just his tone of voice and the atmosphere… it seemed just a bit more than elevator nothingness. I hated myself for even giving any thought to wondering; wrong to not be nicer/polite. Instead I was cold and depressed. Anyway, I was trying to explain to Janet about my fear of how do I not keep doing the Limerence thing… and she cut me off and told me it was on elevator talk and to drop it. She told me that her whole experience is that she can’t look any man in the eye because as a cute asian female she is constantly, unwantedly getting hit on, and she doesn’t want/like it. Later, when I tried some other subject, I asked if she knew how old the two cute men were across the way. She seems huffy, saying she didn’t have her glasses on. So take away. Janet not the right person to bounce off thoughts about men. Learned JC struggles with different issue with men.
I am surprised that I’m always surprised when I look outside to the patio and see that it is wet because it has been raining.
Homework assignment. Inspired by asking Claude to output list of all the unique phrases/sentences used over history of journal that could be about depression, but didn’t use the word depression. CTK asked, “can you also create a list of activities that resulted in positive feelings and well being?” The list of happy times seemed short compared to the depression output. Claude said the list was probably much shorter because I didn’t journal as frequently when I felt good. So I decided to just generate my own list Things that make me happy that I typically don’t — or did not — write about, listed in alphabetical order. Art school projects Collecting antique wood boxes; stacking perfecting to make a “bear wall” for books/ nicknacks / teddybears Collecting teddybears and placing them on shelves in the proper place Designing a taxonomy and sorting graphics into designated category (category for hearts and category for bears; where do you put a bear hugging an oversized heart?) Setting rules for how to decide Designing and building goat pen in barn Designing and building Guinea pig agility equipment Designing t-shirts Digitize artwork Etching (intaglio print making) Evaluating user interfaces Hiking / bouldering at Devil’s lake Learn to play rugby Learning to knee on core ball, keeping balance Organizing my journal and writings Photo/graphic restoration Riding horses Rock climbing Ropes course Scanning life’s worth of photos Taking photographs Teaching Tai Chi sword Teaching web publishing to coworkers Testing out art supplies: tech pens / color pens Training my dog for obedience and agility Watching YouTube review videos for movies and books Working out at Princeton Club swimming and weight training Zentangle
Card 1: “We need to talk. Can we sit down?”
Card 2: “This isn’t working. We haven’t talked in 10+ days. The cooking/cleaning agreement stopped. I need to know what happens next.”
Card 3: “I need you to respond. I can’t figure this out alone.”
Fix communication
Follow through on things you said you were going to do
Need to know…. What’s going on in your life
How do we do that in a meaningful way
1.) I’m giving part of an important presentation 10/23. Even though team has already agreed that I am the best presenter, I am nervous . Self Esteem / confidence / work.
2.) Philip has been near completely non-communicative. Not left the apartment nor barely left the bedroom almost. He is surly snarly. and an ass. I’ve given him lots of freedom for privacy, but I’m ready to call his parole agent to see if she can give me any hints as to what is up. Has he lost his second job? Do I just wait it out? How do I practice my tone and choice of words to have a serious communication?
3.) Working with Claude to examined decades of journal. New chat, so he doesn’t know how obnoxious he was before about demanding I seek help immediately. Periodic summaries, the number of times he says “You were unmedicated/undertreated ” is exhausting. I am enjoying and find interaction valuable. I increased my subscription level. I asked: “I have a request: while you just now have provide a detailed summary, what I need is a recommendation. I meet with my therapist tomorrow. He is aware of my work with you. During my meeting with CTK, I have 2 items of importance to cover with him and in addition I’d like to target a significant pattern, trend, insights from my work with you. The 2 other things should be 20-25 minutes of the hour and the remainder can be my “Claude” stuff. ” What, from all you have learned about my life, should I introduce in therapy tomorrow?