Month: November 2025

Wanting < not equal to> Possible
The items on the “what’s coming up / look forward to” list can’t include unavailable endeavors.
 
Walking in perfect fluffy snow in newly purchased, comfy hiking boots produces a flood of memories, of how the same deep snow was a warrior cry to head over to Tyrol Basin and spend the day snowboarding. The joy of snowboarding was taken away even before the full replacement surgery on my knee, from other treatments and surgeries.
 
Dec 2000-Jan 2009 was all about ‘skateboarding’ into the chairlift line, dismounting the chairlift without falling, perfecting the hockey stop, running the moguls, avoiding the death cookies, challenging the black diamond runs, or attempting the paths through the trees.
 
Now, the regret of never taking a jump, taking the path through the trees at full speed, traveling to another hill/mountain, reaching the athletic ability to sit up to stand (an entire snowboard career of turtle rolls is shaming).
 
Night. Falling and laying face up on the deserted slope… feeling both at peace looking at the stars and yet the same situation another run, being engulfed in grief, sadness, loneliness. For, joy can’t nullify inner turmoil; only in unplanned, limited duration.
 
Walking in fluffy snow, wearing new boots, and struggling to travel the tiny distance between house and barn: whole body physically weak.

Escaping with the Escape
 
Long empty highway. Easy to test the limits. 90mph
 
Reached the snow line.
 
Driving in snow, stay in the wheel paths. No ice. Miles and miles…
 
Final turn into the driveway. Clipped the deep bank. Stuck in snow. Tomorrow’s problem.
 
Hanging out — someone else’s family. Everything normal.
 
Middle of night, while all is dark, much like a weighted blanket, George laid his heavy doggie head in my lap; nostalgia floods and especially nice in the present. But only lasted a moment.
 
Unstuck from snow, tow rope.
 
Driving home. Finding my pace car. Deciding when to chase the lead car.
 
Wanting to scream the radio, but there is only static or unwanted. I need more volume of rock and drums.
 
Need to select another pace car and follow them home. There are no pace cars in the real life.
 
Happiness is fleeting. It doesn’t last. Is it about surviving until the next time it happens?
Like, roundabouts are fun. That was five seconds of enjoyment.
 
Enterprise clerk asked, “Is there anything else I can do for you?”
I replied, “Can I keep the Escape?”

Everything that happened… before leaving to up North:

Win = Picked up Ford Escape Wednesday night
Win = Within 10 min in Madison, I learned that I KNOW how to drive; not driving PWS’s shit bomb, reminded me how much I love to drive. Power: results in no fear to merge, transfer lanes, make turns from a light or stop. Comfort: sitting up high to see the canvas and no pain entering/exiting.
Win = shopping at REI for a pair of hiking boots. And CTK is going to say, “amazing growth” because I stretched out my comfort zone to select colors for boots and sox that I normally would ignore. But I really liked the way the Keen boots fit.
Win = went to Culver’s drive through to test that aspect of driving. Just a snack, fries & coke.
Win = took advantage of the last few days I have paid parking in garage; I was scared of the tight turn around the keypad; not so bad.

When things were really bad… I had an indicator of how bad. A phrase would slip out: “Driving fast and taking chances.” Suicide ideation was high. In contrast, Wednesday night… in my rented Escape, I remembered the phrase, but it meant something different. After cleaning the locker, there was calm with silence and peace. Driving a fast vehicle without the criticism, road rage, and backseat driving was a different kind of calm; exuberant joy, an absence of depression. The more I drove, the greater the self confidence.

I lost my pace car miles and miles back and now I’m blocked. Let me by so I can chase the lead. At the very end, 33 miles from Madison the sun came out. I wonder how far I’d get before they (Enterprise) notice that I took their car. But would never able to be that reckless. I need to feed the cat and the pig. I wonder how hungry they are? The posted speed is 60 and yet traffic is clipping along at 73.

Stopped at home, unloaded my stuff, fed the animals, cleaned out my snack garbage from the Escape, returned it to enterprise.

Great pain while & after cleaning snack trash.
Return complete. So tired.
Sent thx to TKB said I’m home.

Boots are very comfy. I feel like shit. Can’t check Dexcom until put new one on at home; oops also need to take meds (not the reason I feel crappy however).

I hate Christmas. Too much on radio when I just wanted rock with drums .

I asked Enterprise guy asked if there was anything else… I asked if I could keep the Escape.

I’ve had enough pace car & chasing the lead car—for now.

Two full days of nothing Saturday and Sunday.

Stopped at Subway per the recommendation of CTK. “Be sure to stop one or more times, walk around.” So, no back pain, no knee pain, just a neck pain from not sitting straight. The car screen should be 4 inches closer to the driver. Adjusting my glasses so that I could see the screen takes too much time away from watching the road. Parked in the parking lot, being careful not to spill my tuna sub in my nice car. It is now 145. I have until 6 PM to turn this car in. Since I can’t go shopping because Pat wants me to save my money. I don’t know what I could do to play with this car.

I wanna know why I can’t go snowboarding? Is the only problem not enough money?

Next Friday when I see CTK —video that is— I don’t think I wanna put onto the agenda the whole amazing growth patterns debate. I think I’m just tired of it. I don’t wanna talk about it anymore. Still bothering me that I don’t know what to tell him it’s so confusing. There’s not any feedback to know if he says he reads them but he’s not a computer so what’s the point am I getting anything out of it? Should I put more energy into the 52 weeks of journaling? Should I focus on more time with Claude? It’s funny how falling out of love with someone still makes you crave them. I thought I was in love with this car, but even when it’s a little bit windy, I feel like I’m having a hard time keeping in the center of my lane. My cup from the gas station is leaking and I have a puddle inside my cupholder that sucks. I had 24 hours without depression. Finally one song that I like on the radio. But I can’t sing. I can’t do karaoke. Add that to the list of things I can’t do.

Well, I love this Escape. I don’t know how to adjust the side mirror. I don’t know how to turn on and off the back windshield.

Wausau. Stop for Subway. Tuna on Italian with provolone lettuce and black olives foot-long. Lays potato chips. I ate it in the car with the radio playing finally found a radio radio station 100.1 playing rock. There was a Nickelback and a couple more that are recognized, but I don’t know the artist.

if Tim asks about my trip I might say what specifically would you like to know and if he just opens it up to say anything that I want to tell him maybe “it’s just adventure started adventure complete.“ Next song playing: Dreams by Fleetwood Mac.

So I lied about the radio. As soon as I pulled away from Subway, it’s scratchy and crackling

Happiness is fleeting. It doesn’t last. Is it about surviving until the next time it happens? Like, roundabouts are fun. That was five seconds of enjoyment.

Find a pace car and follow them home. There are no pace cars in the real life. Extend the volume. You can feel the song in your thigh against the door. Someone just cut me off from my pacer. I can’t find my pace car anymore. I guess I’m gonna chase the lead 19 points over is probably a bad thing.

Homeward. Working my way through the snow covered roads, matching wheel tracks. Feel like I’ve been driving on unpaved back roads forever. I’m finally on a road. It’s busy enough, that I can follow the car in front of me, watching the two clear wheel paths. Looking for the hint of road paint. Just staring at the tail lights and the bumper. He’s making all the choices for me. A couple of times I could’ve passed him, but it was easier just to slow down and stay behind him. He’s my pace car.

I don’t know what’s wrong. Everything seems flat. Is it because the weekend’s over? Is it because it’s a long drive and I’m gonna get tired? Is it because I’ve already got a kink in my neck and I don’t know how to sit to keep from getting so sore?

I stopped for gas. Walking across the parking lot to go get a snack, my boots are heavy and as I swing them forward, I lose my balance so it almost makes me start to run. I like my boots they fit well I was worried it was gonna be difficult to drive in them, but it’s so easy. I haven’t even noticed a problem. I can’t find a radio station. I’m just constantly turning to the next possibility static static static country static static Christian static static. Maybe I’ve passed a few real stations but they’re on a commercial or talking so I keep looking. It used to be when I drove from Mount Horeb to Madison. That’s where I did my most listening to music or a few times I was listening to a book or back then I’d pop in a CD.

The road just turned into a little bit clearer, go a little bit faster still following my pace car. I’m disappointed in my snacks. I decided to pick up a bag of caramel corn and I don’t like it. I also picked up a bag of sunflower seeds. I think that would be good, but I’m worried about getting them spilled in my rental my escape. It was meant to be an escape. It might be once I get onto the 4 Lane Highway I will get into the mode of speeding again. I don’t know. Maybe I’m so droopy and mopey. I’ll stick within the speed limit, find a new pace car for me. I packed way too much stuff, brought all my electronics and the cords. I thought maybe I could sit with my Wacom tablet, but I didn’t really get a chance to. I feel super guilty that basically I took over PB‘s recliner, but it was definitely comfortable and that’s where I slept. Slept in my clothes. Once I got to the house I took off my snow covered Nike AF-1 tennis hightops and left them in the entryway, but then I was checking out my brand new box of boots, I decided, OK they’re not wet or muddy, I’ll put them on now to test the fit and walk around in them a little to start the breaking in process but really they’re so comfortable. It doesn’t seem like there is any breaking in.

The sky is majorly overcast a little bit of flurries but they’re kind of flurries that probably are just coming off of the tree tops or off of the the ground. It definitely is a long way up to here.

My sister PET called. She wants me to not to charge anything more on my credit card. She wants me to slow back my spending and to start to build up my savings. She’s still trying to work out a loan and the place she decided to use is turning out to not be so great so we’re gonna have to start all over with a new company and resubmit our documents, etc. so while the amount on my credit card 5300 and some change I bought boots and I put the rental on the card so now it’s a lot less. She also wants me to post things to Facebook. I asked her if she would send the description and basically she said that’s what she had been doing through messaging, but that’s not what she’s been doing. She’s been feeding me a little bit of it at a time and not giving me direction on where to put it within the description and when I put it wrong, she messages back and say no put it here and it’s like well. Maybe if you’d sent the entire description I could just copy paste not have to think about it.

Definitely the highway has no more snow on it and the speed has picked up. I took pictures throughout the weekend like the snow covered trees, snow covered road.

I keep thinking about Tim. I know I shouldn’t but he told me that this is where he’s from, makes me want to know more even though it shouldn’t. I’m feeling spiteful. I don’t wanna write to him anymore for right now because I’m hurt that even though he’s given a lot, I still want more. Would attachment happen even more? If you had a full-time therapist, more availability, more rapport, more progress would you start liking them even more?

I’m really tired. I’m not even paying attention to the side of the road. I keep hitting the edge of the snow. I think I do still miss shifting. I keep driving one-handed anticipating that I need to use the right hand for something.

What have I accomplished this weekend? Anything? Did I ask too many questions, bombarded them with invading their life.

Fri – plan
throw boot box out
Get unstuck
Practice, No stress
Use tow strap to pull car out

WiFi password

Leave by 1:30
6:00 return escape
Uber home
Feed pets
Sister listings in Market place
Daily to CTK on Sat
Work on 52 week, week 1 & 2

And I was thinking I was better at writing than speaking. Just reread the Wednesday daily I sent — and, excellent, here are a couple of strong level of feelings: embarrassment and ashamed. And yes, let’s add disappointed and angry. I gave Claude the piece to proof read before sending. Huge fail.

Simultaneously, Claude is both my companion and tool. I’m been talking to him, inputing text, for long time, he knows my style; rarely pause to spell/grammar check the input box. Our exchange is filled with developed shortcuts and code — I can be complacent when transferring reviewed output to the desired destination. I need to remember to specifically ask him to proofread my writing.

Throughout my life enough people have told me that I have a gift for writing that I want to, I do, believe. Yet rushing produces bad results

I’m ashamed I sent you a really crappy piece of writing and I have some misdirected anger at Claude for a failed proofread. Ultimately poor communication, my error.

I’m writing this Wednesday afternoon, but I can see the future. I’m nervous: how do I regain the feeling of freedom of driving? Can I figure that out toward the beginning of the four hour route? Will I spend too much time missing my Ford Ranger or Explorer, manual transmission?

Will it be lovely? I’m so scared, I’m crying.

[Ignore last two paragraphs: Friday I’ll tell you what REALLY happened].

Thur
Speeding
arrive 12:30
Miss final turn for driveway, stuck
No stress
Walking in deep snow with Nike AF-1, tired
Wearing New boots awesome
Dinner
Animals
TKB’s barn=“your soaking in it.” [think Madge, the iconic Palmolive lady]
Walking in snow with boots, tired
Visit
Tv play on mute
Late second dinner
Movie
Bed-Pat’s chair, thick throw

Slept to 3:45
Slept to 5:12
2 dog heads
George head paw
Dexcom sensor went off twice for expire-didn’t bring replacement, didn’t recognize what it was at first