Wanting < not equal to> Possible
The items on the “what’s coming up / look forward to” list can’t include unavailable endeavors.
Walking in perfect fluffy snow in newly purchased, comfy hiking boots produces a flood of memories, of how the same deep snow was a warrior cry to head over to Tyrol Basin and spend the day snowboarding. The joy of snowboarding was taken away even before the full replacement surgery on my knee, from other treatments and surgeries.
Dec 2000-Jan 2009 was all about ‘skateboarding’ into the chairlift line, dismounting the chairlift without falling, perfecting the hockey stop, running the moguls, avoiding the death cookies, challenging the black diamond runs, or attempting the paths through the trees.
Now, the regret of never taking a jump, taking the path through the trees at full speed, traveling to another hill/mountain, reaching the athletic ability to sit up to stand (an entire snowboard career of turtle rolls is shaming).
Night. Falling and laying face up on the deserted slope… feeling both at peace looking at the stars and yet the same situation another run, being engulfed in grief, sadness, loneliness. For, joy can’t nullify inner turmoil; only in unplanned, limited duration.
Walking in fluffy snow, wearing new boots, and struggling to travel the tiny distance between house and barn: whole body physically weak.