Alarm went off at seven. I hit the snooze once. I’ve been picking up garbage, putting some of PWS stuff in his room with the rest of his crap, starting to take the pig cage apart, looking for ways to minimize what to do. The cat has had his breakfast. I need to feed the pig, thinking if I could get the fleece liner out possibly just pack the bottom of the cage with Timothy hay and before I leave to give him his pellets and a bunch of vegetables
7:38 I need to get going if I’m going to take a shower and finish the pig cage and pack my backpack.
I can’t stop thinking about amazing growth. I know you said we could drop it. But I feel a desperation that I want you to understand me. I want you to see how certain patterns have been present throughout my life. I’m being bold to send a lengthy communication (see Attach), because I need to go into this long weekend with a satisfaction that I said all. I’m frustrated that I’m not a better extemporaneous speaker. =Amazing Growth vs Patterns= To me growth is short or long term deliberate steps or decisions that leads to personal transformation. There are a couple of patterns noticeably appearing throughout my life that may look like growth, but are more biologically natural or learn behaviors.
=PATTERN A (PASSIVE SPARK)= Stuck → Priming → Spark → Compulsion → Action → Depletion Stuck = depression, deliberation, rumination Priming = small external factors or internal conclusions reach aid in building the need to do something Spark = an unexpected external event touches the long period of priming Compulsion = a decision to act is suddenly engaged Action = multiple actions result in a chain, where each step drives onward with an urgentcy and immediacy which feels out of my control. The length of the chain varies, much like riding the wave of high energy. The compulsion is aware the energy can run out at any time without notice. Depletion = the success of the original spark can be any level of satisfaction; the health or the benefit varies. The long tail of coming off the ride ultimately ends back to depression.
=PATTERN B (ACTIVE ASKING)= Long unhappiness → Identify missing piece → Opportunity appears → Brave ask → Get yes → Follow through Examples of impulsively asking for what I want. I didn’t know I was going to ask until I ask.
I started a 52 week structured journaling project by Daily OM, titled “A Year of Writing to Reveal Who You Really Are.”
I’m finding the writing prompts for week 1 to be harder than I expected.
=Self-Awareness=
What drew you to participate in this course?
Do you think you’re a self-aware person? Why?
Is there a good balance in your life between being self-focused and focusing on others?
What makes you think so?
Do you think others see you the way you see yourself?
Do you think a mindfulness practice will help you, or has one already been beneficial? How so?
Are you good at understanding what you’re feeling?
Do you know why you do the things you do?
Do you know what things are most important to you?
Do you know what you want out of life?
=So, to amuse myself…= I asked Claude to answer my questions for me. His answer, “My input on all of them based on what I know about you…” was more than 5000 characters. The output has given me a lot to think about. I’m not sure which question I want to tackle first, to generate my own answers..
=Begin= CTK, which question would you most be interested in seeing my answer to?
Reply: “As for your question about where to start on that series of questions I would say…. start with the ones you can answer, and go from there. As you fill out the “easy ones”, you’ll probably find it more possible for some of the more difficult ones.”
The colors, reflection and light. The smooth egg-shaped globe, surrounded by all that metal framework. Something about the contrast made me think of Serenity (Firefly).
I received the most amazing gift from the universe today.
BM, the TaskRabbit guy who I hired—for 2 hours to help me clean out the storage locker, pack and haul Philip’s things, and transfer items up and down between basement locker and apartment—had a huge, unexpected calming effect on me today. (And also, he was cute.)
Brady was so pleasant to work with, steady and gentle, worked efficiently and independently, attitude of happy to help, provided good advice when asked, he was respectable and friendly. His help was exactly what I needed after weeks of tense anxiety. His grounded presence had this calming effect on me. I think it was both him as a person and the relief of actually getting the panicking task done. For the remainder of the day, this is the most serene I’ve felt in forever. My body is trashed and aches from all the hard work to prep everything; yet today, I’m soaked in calm. It is scary not to know how long I can keep the relief. One worry is not knowing how surviving is framed.
Reflecting on the calm, I asked Claude, “do you think it was BM himself or is it simply because a bunch of work got done and having it be done is symbolic of a tiny bit of closure?” Claude returned, “His presence helped co-regulate your nervous system while you worked. This is an example of how much you need this kind of steady support.”
Feeling extremely depressed, lonely, and completely failing to answer the final question, “what are you looking forward to?”
Realizing, this year, I want better than the Thanksgiving special at Perkins.
COULD I invite myself to someone’s house for dinner?
No, there’s absolutely no way.
Why not? That would be crazy, stupid, embarrassing.
Why not? Too vulnerable, fear of rejection.
Merely as thought experiment, who would I ask?
If I pick someone, how would this work?
Think think think, wonder, think.
Is Tim goin to say “amazing growth”? NO. I won’t allow that! I WILL thwack him! This idea is about depression, desperation, panic; I don’t want to be incredibly lonely for the holiday this year.
Friday afternoon, reached out to co-worker, Tia.
I said, “TKB I need you to be completely honest… I’ve been mega depressed lately… I want to invite myself to your house for dinner (Thanksgiving).
She replies, “OH of course you can, I would LOVE for you to come, Yes come; I am so glad you asked.”
TKB lives 4 hours north of Madison. She sent me the address, told me time of dinner.
I’ve rented SUV. Shit, is THIS the craziest, stupidest idea ever?
Hope Pregabalin lets me sleep on a bed.
Ordered auto feeder for Max.
Looking forward to: taking camera, going on scary holiday adventure; and pet two slobbery dogs; out in the barn, frolic with a small band of goats and pat a horse; oh, and eat dinner with a functional family.
There is a frog sitting on a Lilly pad in an expansive pond… the frog doesn’t know how to swim. Desperately he just wants to get to shore. The route, areas misted in fog, is a maze of calculating which pad to jump to next, estimating if it will hold his weight, and is he even going the right way… has he just leaped himself deeper into the muck or making progress out?
I, hung up on “don’t care what” conversation, 11-15. Used example of not wanting to tell you about my gratitude homework; to stay angry and withhold. Not as angry now; and really DO want to tell you about my jar with the wood lid and the miniature carabiners…
In early 20s I learned top rope rock climbing in a UW Mini-Course held at Devil’s Lake, a favorite place. Next, I advanced to week course through Iowa Mountaineer Club. Liked best, call-and-response safety check before a climber starts. “On belay?” / “Belay on.” / “Climbing.” / “Climb on.” During course, instructor and climbers told me I had a natural ability: “I should seriously pursue the sport.”
I was strong, fit, skilled… doing something I loved.
Plans to go to Sawtooth’s, 10 days Organizing gear, getting sick=doctor I’m pregnant At 8wk, hiked to the top of Elephant’s Perch Skipped mountaineering & rock climbs
Carabiner not about climbing again. Theory: remember I was that person – strong, capable, naturally skilled, loved something deeply. Depression=that person is gone forever.
Obviously, this is super condensed version of the story.
=Left Overs= Idea to reset foundation: want do-over; what is your profession bio? After visit summary contents; surprise by, appreciation for included vs. excluded Followed your advice, leary about telling more; instead, was ST referral for real? What happens to my email?
=Stressors= !!! Must have strategy for 14-day & 21-day sabbaticals (absence of CTK4T) Drug working, but fear of self medicating Combo everything = Struggle to focus at work My feelings about PWS’s feelings Amazing Growth – questioning “what does that mean?” estranged grandson, 5th birthday, Nov 13th- sent hot wheels How to feel about finding PWS’s collection of toys Commonalities between brother’s suicide and Philip move out? Which, if any, dailies would be picked to discuss in-depth?
=For me= Scheduled haircut appointment, new salon Past (and future?) Acupuncturist visit Became Jared Halley (musician) patron Ordered new core ball due to split and pop Photography class attended – lesson lame, physical pain, 2hr walk Conversation: Claude, Jim
=Health= Sleep clinic appointment and find CPAP
=Support= Long phone call from mostly Doug / Janet on line too
= Factor75= Forgetting to eat/still have meals /new box arrived/gave extras to Janet Failed to document dinner titles with taste
=Feeling= Anxiety. Is saying, getting as overused as depression.
Packing. First duffle, not enough room in bedroom. Pick easy, fold/roll comforter. WAS grossed out at move in; now don’t wanta touch. Adding pillows. Should have been thrown out at move in. Gross now. Found the rubbery-dog-head-pet-hair-removal thing. PWS had said no idea where 5/6 were. Find 1/5: pile dirty laundry. FFFF. Why AM I doing this? Spiraling. Stubbornness. Told CTK I pack. Told PWS I pack. If stop, what does that say about me? The task now look overwhelming. I stubborn, mostly convicted I choose right path. Waffling. Downsize task by not doing laundry? What about mold? I am NOT going to wash 4gross p&c.
Maybe move all to main area, disassemble bed, stack on wall=make space to pack, and then store until storage locker is reorganized.
I don’t want to start entire decision process. Don’t want to talk. Maybe just one sox at a time, forward to done. I’ve never had a best friend. I don’t want to ask Janet, seems undesirable. I’m ready to hire mover; but who would help take care of this shit? Reclaim the space. Reclaim my FCKing space. Can I just close the door, forever?
Art supplies in state of half organized. Months. Sometimes follow through just takes time/more time. How to let stubbornness plow faster, just get done. But how many months/years will I be stuck, even if packing done? PWS, never going to see my side; going say fault for not “talking to him first.” Never say anything=unsustainable. Say something=months/years of aftermath
