Month: November 2025

Analysis paralysis. What I have. Monstrous list of brainstormed things to share with you. I am so desperate to pick and compose something super super valuable. I already organized an agenda for Friday = so eager to be prepared.

Purchase of John Irving novel, Queen Esther. Value in discussing why his books have been important to me? Join book club, talk to Claude?

Do we need to examine, “how should I feel about the discover of Philip’s box of toys?” Route, conversation for Jim? […Jim says it is ok throw out that box, don’t pack.]

What IS it you want/need to know?

=Humor=
Be suspicious of every feeling… they can disguise themselves as legitimate health concerns… so the urgent feeling you just got from your biggest situation may not be real. Look for warning signs. Don’t interact with suspicious feelings. If you think a feeling is a fake attempt by self, don’t engage. Do what you do in good meditation—let the thought and the feeling just pass by/through. Instead of dealing with fake, go to the source instead. Hover over the feeling, but don’t engage. Verify the feeling; it may be impersonating a health reaction. If you get a feeling that is suspicious, one you weren’t expecting, or seems unusual, contact the source within yourself and verify the feeling is real.

Claude said, “you just rewrote phishing/cybersecurity training as emotional self-protection guidance; dark humor to survive boring training AND accidentally brilliant therapeutic framework.”

Feeling:anxious

PWS called a multiple of times with the goal: status of deposit on book and to locate paperwork for his savings account. I never completed my script (my wellbeing, his wellbeing, let’s keep talking just not about wanting to move in, I love you). He cut me off early. Instead:

• Upset I called the PO; created chain of events that may lead to revocation of probation
• Annoyed I didn’t pay deposit process fee
• At the conclusion of one call, he said that was mean and hung up.
• In a different call, accused me of being malicious for my actions
• Said I was stupid for contacting PO, and… Wishes I had talked to him first
• Angry that previous conversations during 15 mo, I said I don’t remember many details and events he mentioned; yet I can remember a very specific event and Philip doesn’t understand why I remember one and not the others.
• Last call end: ‘I’ll call you… never'”

May need his bike lock key, yet unable to identify bike.

Small-thing-up-set-ting-me. The ticking: I am unable to expedite the outcome. Even the simple facts must conform to the unchanging pattern. Why is this topic continuing to get my characters? I resent that. Reality: great deal more to say; difficult feelings and plans to process.

After much deliberation, I purchased multiple storage (duffle bag style) containers with zippers and handles; I want him to have ease to search through later. Now, to pack. Philip knows I’m packing. 🙁

Feeling: enraged, deep sigh, despair, long for logistical closure

When disaster comes – climate collapse, asteroid, whatever – there will be spaceships (or caves or lifeboats) to evacuate Earth or to find shelter. Limited seats. Only the most valuable and talented people deserve to go: scientists, mathematicians, engineers, artists, leaders, people with survival skills.

I don’t deserve a seat on the spaceship. I’m not smart enough, talented enough, useful enough. I should fade into the shadows and let better people survive.
This belief = my core. Formed in childhood through abuse and neglect. Mother beat me, left injuries untreated, gave contradictory demands without teaching, forced me to perform farm cruelty. Learned: my needs don’t matter, I’m defective, I don’t deserve care or resources.

I’ve adopted a stance that not all humans are equal.

Current ‘amazing growth’ happens on top of this unchanged belief. I’m doing therapy work to please you while still believing I don’t deserve to be on the spaceship. However, your role in amazing growth is not all attachment related. [I’ve had to harshly rein in Claude for seeing zebras, evidence of attachment, everywhere, when we are dealing with horses]. More likely my doing stuff is related to your enthusiasm and gentle nudging. Serendipity opening possibilities. And, a smidge of hypomania or adrenaline helping to create urgency.
Long event chain surrounding PWS = bit tied to child dysfunction history.

When the zombies arrive: I definitely will not survive, I won’t be able to out run them.

During therapy on 12th, CTK did a playful tongue-out expression… [in some informal settings or among close friends, a playful tongue-out expression might be used to jokingly show disagreement or annoyance.], which was followed by a double F-U gestures, and saying “Fuck you, fuck off.” All in response to me reporting that PWS had wanted to keep the car to sleep in.

Dreading Monday morning and how to quickly get caught up at work tasks. Would taking the Pregabalin be a help or hindrance?

—

Re: How can a simple permit number cause so much stress?

PWS called Sunday 11-16 to check on deposit; I couldn’t find receipt so added the $69 again. I suppose he thinks I’m being [something] since I didn’t get the transaction right the first time. I haven’t found the papers he asked about.

PWS’s dad dropped off PWS’s bike at the beginning of Fall 2025. To get to work, Philip took the bus or rode his bike. I gave him a ride in the Ford Focus perhaps twice; then I refused all future requests because Philip has road rage, even in the passenger’s seat. I couldn’t take the extremely disrespectful “back seat driver” mentality either.
I requested an apartment bike permit for PWS. He said he applied the sticker, but I didn’t see it happen. I don’t know what the bike looks like nor where he put it in the rack in the basement.

One more thing I’ll have to make arrangements for: get his bike lock… or cut it off, if I actually knew the bike. If he never did put the permit sticker on, then the building management staff, when their audit happens next week, will removed all unclaimed bikes… but how will I know if the bike is gone? I can call the management office and ask what number is assigned, and sound like an idiot.

===

Reviewing the “Things that make me happy” list… tonight I picked “Learning to knee on core ball, keeping balance”

Decided to find ball in box
In closet
Take out of box, royal blue but not as sharp, smells rubbery and musty
Need to find pump
How do you find something: look in the last place you saw it
Pump up ball
30min in… nearly the full size, hear a steady hiss; a split cause ball to silently pop, quickly
Search Amazon and spend $20 to get replacement; but a different brand

Nail biting

Re: processing reflections on comment, “I don’t care what you do. I do want you to do well and thrive.”
 
To manage attachment, I turned the first half of the comment into a mantra. Even my clock ticking meditation, hijacked. Each word pounding out a reality related to separation of client/therapist. Then, wanting to report in about the gratitude homework progress has been ambushed by spite. Angry conversation between client and therapist: C: completed major step in gratitude homework… acquired container and objects. Use not yet habit; working on it. T: Oh what did you get? C: “Why should I tell you? How is that helpful?,” said with anger and spite. You said, ‘I don’t care what you do.’ Why share with you details of what the container or objects are? Leading to sadness exploring the scope of ‘what’: Doing the homework itself is also a what? Which specific class picked is a what?
 
Phrase hurt when I first heard it. Creating the mantra was meant to face reality, but maybe mistake from the start. I’ve weaponized a truth into self-harm. Managed to completely suck the joy out of looking forward to sharing successes & plans.
 
Used as rubber band snap on every back slide when thoughts/feelings need examining as attachment-related behaviors. Believing first part of the comment is easy. Second half bounces off while first half sticks. How do I learn the second half, in healthy way? Accept caring with no entanglement? Why can’t I hold both truths simultaneously?
 
Harsh self-judgment.

Re: Patterns is Heaviest

Pregabalin 25mg Capsules – 1-2 daily as needed for anxiety and pain

• Received help to manage anxiety but doesn’t change core beliefs
• Decreased physical pain, such as walking and stairs
• Sleeping 8 hours
• After 8 hours of reduced movement = some zombie effect and stiffness

Factor75
Meals working well, ease to cook & clean up, improved digestion, eating regularly, taste ok, one less thing to manage.

The Kid

• PO confirmed he knows he’s not returning here. DOC referring him to residential program. Waiting to hear about coordinating logistics (key return, breathalyzer pickup, possessions storage).
• Started packing PWS’s things. Found more unexpected items that brought up a mix of memories, feelings, and questions.

Patterns
I don’t remember what I already reported about history of attachment. I have numerous stories that are too long as dailies. What would you need to know, in lieu of long stories? And, I want to know: what did I do or say that made you suspect newest attachment? Am I doing something unconsciously that I will want to fix?

Work
Struggling to stay focused. TGIF.

Feeling
relieved, conflicted, exhausted, curious, zombied

Slacked off at work, maybe will log on over weekend
Have photograph class in the morning
Ordered duffles for PWS’s things
Ordered my gratitude container and objects, plus box for waiting objects
Need to wash dirty clothes
Need to sort/pack belongings
Try on smaller size jeans
Take my own garbage/recycling to bins
Got notification that grandson’s packages were delivered
Fingernail biting is serve, but not the worst of all time
Debating whether to take med tonight? Zombie for class?
When Mountain Dew is gone… order too small for
Thinking about “you’re soaking in it”
Worried about return of key; should I ask for locks changed?
Long phone call Friday night from DB (and JC in background)
Sent email to Jim about rugby gear and toys

Re: Anchoring the rewire in motion

Been thinking, when you shared your concern about managing diagnosis vs. absorbing it into identity. I think I’m on the managing side – bipolar is a condition, not who I am. I have realized the real anchor isn’t the diagnosis. It’s more about believing I don’t deserve a place in the lifeboat – that I’m not worth saving when resources are limited. That’s the core worthlessness – and feeling broken, unfixable – that makes everything harder.

Complex feeling: wanting to prove I’m on the good side, but worried you’re seeing something I’m denying.

I want to explore hypnotherapy. If the real anchor is this worthlessness/broken belief from decades of reinforcement, maybe therapy and medication alone can’t touch it. Could deep rewiring help address what other approaches haven’t reached?

Feeling: discouraged but unwilling to give up

For a long time I’ve been considering a yin yang tattoo. I know that could look like absorbing diagnosis into identity (literally ink into skin), but for me the yin yang represents the motion, oscillation between poles, constant rebalancing. The symbol isn’t static, it’s a snapshot of perpetual movement. That’s what the symbol represents, not a fixed state I’m stuck in.

Feeling: desire, uncertain, self-doubt (want one, don’t know if it’s the right symbol to use as a tattoo, wonder if I’m too old)

Max wakes me up; getting into pig playpen, pawing at my things, jumping on me – but not to cuddle; pig is chewing his cardboard Mountain Dew tunnel

figure out the current message of what is still true vs what is new

guilt mixed with fear of abandonment or fear of rejection

Struggling to perform at work – doing nothing, tasks don’t match the priority

All the different ways to feel sad:
1. there is no one
2. there are people, but I pay them
3. there are people, but they are not enough
4. there are people paid/not paid where there is a latch onto the hope
5. there are people who become obsession

Re: Ownership, ugh Friday.

Things That I Am Doing Solely for Me

1. Continue exchange with Jim. Been 4 total (2+2). Need personal plan to prevent burn out. No danger of transference. He is an intelligent, kind, interesting human – without attraction.
   Feeling: gratitude, anticipation
2. Daily check-in privilege. I claim this as all mine. I love the 1500-character limit challenge. Like tweeting only better. How to be the concise without destroying the meaning? The link to attachment upload feels comforting as emergency escape—yet huge temptation. Must accept the process as “turning the message over to the universe”; get free of the anxiety or attachment to specific outcome.
   Feeling: reassured about going well on your end
3. Writing. Personal history, journaling
4. Claude conversations.

Things That I Am Doing for My ExLoC

1. Making a firm effort to not let T, L, or ELC happen.
   Feeling: begrudgingly challenged: seems scary and hard
2. Meeting up with people from work for celebration regarding important project milestone.
   Feeling: social anxiety
3. Loving when you, or getting you to, smile and/or laugh… Oh wow, huge sudden insight: I think I actually put this in the wrong category. This is mine. This is totally for me. You’re only in the equation because you’re in the equation. It is nice to receive simple positive feedback that I am witty intelligent funny… oh. but as soon as I write that=self-doubt. Anyway if you don’t understand, that’s ok, cuz it wasn’t yours.