At age 12/13, I had long conversations with my future child in my head. I would be walking around the farm alone or doing chores or riding horseback. I promised that his life would not be a repeat of mine. I’d take care of him. I told him lots of stories about myself and gave him advice about what to do or not to do.
Rick and I used zero birth control. I was in labor for 36 hours. PWS was healthy and always in the 95 percentile. He started sleeping through the night at 6 weeks. He started walking early. He was potty trained by 12 months. He had big feet, and I was constantly getting him new shoes. He had the cutest tennis shoes. I tended to dress him like a little preppy college student. Or just really comfortable play clothes. Until he was about age seven, I designed and made his Halloween costume each year. At age 3.5, when his dad and I separated, Philip became outrageously angry at me all the time. His dad and I had joint custody and shared placement. Just before his freshman year of high school, I moved about a mile away, and PWS became incredibly angry again. He hated the idea of moving. Sophomore year of high school, he started smoking, drinking, doing drugs and having behavioral issues at school. And soon after, he stole thousands of dollars of my things to pay for drugs. When it was intolerable, I changed the locks and told him he could no longer live with me. He had to go live with his dad full-time.
After graduation, PWS attended UW-Milwaukee for one semester. Turns out he couldn’t manage on his own. Losing his Mount Horeb friends and possibly his supply of alcohol and drugs, he ended up quitting. Philip looked for employment in Madison. He had his own apartment. He had his first attempt at suicide. He was diagnosed with depression. He did not stick with treatment.
He went through 15 years of constant job changes. Possibly part of that could have been the industry of restaurants. But I suspect he was having trouble due to addiction and mental illness. I started suspecting that his diagnosis was actually bipolar disorder, but he was angry at me for mentioning that. He said that that was not possible. Months would go by without contact, then late night calls in extreme highs or crying despair.
He lived in Detroit for a while, joining a mentor to open a new restaurant. Soon after it opened, COVID hit. PWS and a co-worker got pregnant. Amber moved away. PWS has never seen his son. I try to send birthday and Christmas gifts each year, but I have no relationship with the mom or child. PWS left Michigan illegally. He has DUIs in both Wisconsin and Michigan. PWS abandoned his dog to be with RS in Blue Mounds.
It’s possible the young child I was talking to in my head, at age 12, was not a future possibility. Maybe it was just myself.