Month: December 2025

PWS – 0
Sleep – increased
Jim – new email; YEAH!
Core Ball – balancing resumed, improved 1:10 min
Factor75 – disappointing, forgetting to eat, halved weekly shipment
Pregabalin – AE increased dosage. 50mg daily bedtime + 25mg multi/day.
The “hamster” – Badger, the GP, making progress on a clean leap through tire jump.
Reclaiming my space – BM hired to help again. Cute guy who does good work and unknowingly co-regulates. Will it work second time? Whatever, get stuff done = good.
Mattress/boxspring – Gone, for hefty fee.
Janet – deep sigh about my new hiking boots. She says, “why do you need new boots, you never go outside anyway?” WTF! Madison slushy sidewalks, deep snow in No. WI.
Max – I want to throttle the cat because he’s always hungry. I am getting woke up at 3, 4, or 5am. He wants a midday feeding at 2pm.
Work – slowly climbing out of huge slump of non productivity. I take little time off all year, I am now scrambling to schedule time off to prevent unused leave going poof at year end. Fridays off = Tim in morning, rest of day able to obsess over what I did or didn’t learn.
Snowboarding – verified can I? PT CO says possible; real or not real. Real.
Chris Williamson – video about embracing smallest of joy. Resonated.
Feeling – there should be dire consequences for anyone who puts up plastic or inflatable lawn decorations for the holidays; nail biting is no longer in recession; social anxiety high for attending GDS on Thursday 12/4.

Financial aid for PET – the ask has grown, quite a bit. e.g.: she wants me to drastically reduce my spending for a month to have more funds available for her debts. My spendaholic habit ceasing entirely overnight, right? In addition to a bunch of other details I don’t want to do, she wants to max out my credit card for her bills. CTK wins. Amazing growth. 15mo decreased to 1mo to firmly say, “No.” However, I won’t get the merit badge unless I say No a few more times yet.

Couple months ago, I opted to cancel the recommended bladder biopsy to avoid the co-pay; since no symptoms, decided: why bother? I mentioned the biopsy to PET. She says when the loan goes through, there will be plenty of money to pay off my credit card and afford the medical treatment. PET is not hearing my No.

This week, cracked tooth. Fixed via sanding sharp edge. Since x-rays were out of date, found numerous cavities and crowns needed. December, urgency to have some of the work done during the 2025 dental coverage.

Perhaps be depressed and do nothing, because there is no current teeth pain and life doesn’t matter anyway…

Or, take advice of my dentist and follow treatment plan he recommends. Definitely not mentioned to PET that I’ve opted for a 40hr cash pay out at end of year to handle some of my unused benefit leave time, which would cover 2025 patient dental cost.

WTF, why does muck keep stealing my 1500 characters? Had better stuff planned to focus on.

Feeling: bullied, grief about Claude limits

Q10. Do you know what you want out of life?

This question is difficult to answer when I’m constantly reminded that I don’t want to be 70 years old. I don’t want to be 65, but I’m giving myself a five year buffer in case I’m wrong and need to readjust my assessment later. The attempt to take daily gratitude serious is hard. I think about it, but forget to make a deposit. The act is not yet truly being done by me. It is more about following a positive suggestion. I have my container and objects in a visible and convenient location. Close by is the repository of ‘gratitudes in waiting.’ I keep one with me at all times like a worry stone or fidget toy. An understanding is the practice can pull in more positivity, which can lead to life improvement and wellness.

Want out of life?
Wanting needs to be about possible.
Hopes & Dreams are about fantasy.

In junior high (1976), a time of physical abuse, I was incredibly unhappy. However, I made a pact with myself that I would not commit suicide then. I would tough it all out until I graduated from 8th grade. Maybe high school would be better or different. Then high school started. Not what I’d hoped. I don’t know at what point I reevaluated the pact. I decided I would not commit suicide until I graduated from high school. I endured. After HS graduation, the self pact was updated one more time. I would take no direct action until I graduated from college. I guess I did pretty good. I didn’t attempt suicide until February 2019.

Revisiting Homework, Happy Things. Picking one, kneel on core ball, put in motion.

A once favorite weight training exercise, laying on a core ball in a bridge to do chest presses. One day, waiting for Kevin, I was screwing around holding the core ball with my knees > irresistible urge to have knees and palms on the ball perfectly balanced. Kevin saw, said some people can actually kneel on top of the ball, body upright, fully balanced. Seriously? Yes, he was completely serious. With much practice: I succeeded. Kevin was incredibly impressed, and of course he added to the challenge, “Why only 1 min?” And, over time, longer, and longer I did.

Breathe is essential for balance: deep breathing and fully relaxing, to let your body sink into the ball. There is a tiny leap of faith at the beginning, rolling forward with your weight to enter the calm fight to find balance.

Moral: when I can glance the clear possible successful goal, mixed with the right motivation, and desire for proving to self (and others)…

2025 is it possible to repeat? In apartment practicing 10 days. Day 1=0 sec > four points touching, 10 sec. Long way from just knees on ball, balancing with body fully upright. The purple core ball is near my recliner. With a simple glance, I see it. When I walk past it, I hear the whisper, try again.

Sunday, the first time in ten days, I was suddenly distracted by a sharp pain in my right knee. What if four points, at 10 seconds is all I get? Have I lost this happy thing?