Homeward. Working my way through the snow covered roads, matching wheel tracks. Feel like I’ve been driving on unpaved back roads forever. I’m finally on a road. It’s busy enough, that I can follow the car in front of me, watching the two clear wheel paths. Looking for the hint of road paint. Just staring at the tail lights and the bumper. He’s making all the choices for me. A couple of times I could’ve passed him, but it was easier just to slow down and stay behind him. He’s my pace car.
I don’t know what’s wrong. Everything seems flat. Is it because the weekend’s over? Is it because it’s a long drive and I’m gonna get tired? Is it because I’ve already got a kink in my neck and I don’t know how to sit to keep from getting so sore?
I stopped for gas. Walking across the parking lot to go get a snack, my boots are heavy and as I swing them forward, I lose my balance so it almost makes me start to run. I like my boots they fit well I was worried it was gonna be difficult to drive in them, but it’s so easy. I haven’t even noticed a problem. I can’t find a radio station. I’m just constantly turning to the next possibility static static static country static static Christian static static. Maybe I’ve passed a few real stations but they’re on a commercial or talking so I keep looking. It used to be when I drove from Mount Horeb to Madison. That’s where I did my most listening to music or a few times I was listening to a book or back then I’d pop in a CD.
The road just turned into a little bit clearer, go a little bit faster still following my pace car. I’m disappointed in my snacks. I decided to pick up a bag of caramel corn and I don’t like it. I also picked up a bag of sunflower seeds. I think that would be good, but I’m worried about getting them spilled in my rental my escape. It was meant to be an escape. It might be once I get onto the 4 Lane Highway I will get into the mode of speeding again. I don’t know. Maybe I’m so droopy and mopey. I’ll stick within the speed limit, find a new pace car for me. I packed way too much stuff, brought all my electronics and the cords. I thought maybe I could sit with my Wacom tablet, but I didn’t really get a chance to. I feel super guilty that basically I took over PB‘s recliner, but it was definitely comfortable and that’s where I slept. Slept in my clothes. Once I got to the house I took off my snow covered Nike AF-1 tennis hightops and left them in the entryway, but then I was checking out my brand new box of boots, I decided, OK they’re not wet or muddy, I’ll put them on now to test the fit and walk around in them a little to start the breaking in process but really they’re so comfortable. It doesn’t seem like there is any breaking in.
The sky is majorly overcast a little bit of flurries but they’re kind of flurries that probably are just coming off of the tree tops or off of the the ground. It definitely is a long way up to here.
My sister PET called. She wants me to not to charge anything more on my credit card. She wants me to slow back my spending and to start to build up my savings. She’s still trying to work out a loan and the place she decided to use is turning out to not be so great so we’re gonna have to start all over with a new company and resubmit our documents, etc. so while the amount on my credit card 5300 and some change I bought boots and I put the rental on the card so now it’s a lot less. She also wants me to post things to Facebook. I asked her if she would send the description and basically she said that’s what she had been doing through messaging, but that’s not what she’s been doing. She’s been feeding me a little bit of it at a time and not giving me direction on where to put it within the description and when I put it wrong, she messages back and say no put it here and it’s like well. Maybe if you’d sent the entire description I could just copy paste not have to think about it.
Definitely the highway has no more snow on it and the speed has picked up. I took pictures throughout the weekend like the snow covered trees, snow covered road.
I keep thinking about Tim. I know I shouldn’t but he told me that this is where he’s from, makes me want to know more even though it shouldn’t. I’m feeling spiteful. I don’t wanna write to him anymore for right now because I’m hurt that even though he’s given a lot, I still want more. Would attachment happen even more? If you had a full-time therapist, more availability, more rapport, more progress would you start liking them even more?
I’m really tired. I’m not even paying attention to the side of the road. I keep hitting the edge of the snow. I think I do still miss shifting. I keep driving one-handed anticipating that I need to use the right hand for something.
What have I accomplished this weekend? Anything? Did I ask too many questions, bombarded them with invading their life.
