Category: Uncategorized

Feeling extremely depressed, lonely, and completely failing to answer the final question, “what are you looking forward to?”

• Realizing, this year, I want better than the Thanksgiving special at Perkins.
• COULD I invite myself to someone’s house for dinner?
• No, there’s absolutely no way.
• Why not? That would be crazy, stupid, embarrassing.
• Why not? Too vulnerable, fear of rejection.
• Merely as thought experiment, who would I ask?
• If I pick someone, how would this work?
• Think think think, wonder, think.
• Is Tim goin to say “amazing growth”? NO. I won’t allow that! I WILL thwack him! This idea is about depression, desperation, panic; I don’t want to be incredibly lonely for the holiday this year.
• Friday afternoon, reached out to co-worker, Tia.
• I said, “TKB I need you to be completely honest… I’ve been mega depressed lately… I want to invite myself to your house for dinner (Thanksgiving).
• She replies, “OH of course you can, I would LOVE for you to come, Yes come; I am so glad you asked.”
• TKB lives 4 hours north of Madison. She sent me the address, told me time of dinner.
• I’ve rented SUV. Shit, is THIS the craziest, stupidest idea ever?
• Hope Pregabalin lets me sleep on a bed.
• Ordered auto feeder for Max.
• Looking forward to: taking camera, going on scary holiday adventure; and pet two slobbery dogs; out in the barn, frolic with a small band of goats and pat a horse; oh, and eat dinner with a functional family.

There is a frog sitting on a Lilly pad in an expansive pond… the frog doesn’t know how to swim. Desperately he just wants to get to shore. The route, areas misted in fog, is a maze of calculating which pad to jump to next, estimating if it will hold his weight, and is he even going the right way… has he just leaped himself deeper into the muck or making progress out?

I, hung up on “don’t care what” conversation, 11-15. Used example of not wanting to tell you about my gratitude homework; to stay angry and withhold. Not as angry now; and really DO want to tell you about my jar with the wood lid and the miniature carabiners…
 
In early 20s I learned top rope rock climbing in a UW Mini-Course held at Devil’s Lake, a favorite place. Next, I advanced to week course through Iowa Mountaineer Club. Liked best, call-and-response safety check before a climber starts. “On belay?” / “Belay on.” / “Climbing.” / “Climb on.” During course, instructor and climbers told me I had a natural ability: “I should seriously pursue the sport.”
 
I was strong, fit, skilled… doing something I loved.
 
Plans to go to Sawtooth’s, 10 days
Organizing gear, getting sick=doctor
I’m pregnant
At 8wk, hiked to the top of Elephant’s Perch
Skipped mountaineering & rock climbs
 
Carabiner not about climbing again. Theory: remember I was that person – strong, capable, naturally skilled, loved something deeply. Depression=that person is gone forever.
 
Obviously, this is super condensed version of the story.

=Left Overs=
Idea to reset foundation: want do-over; what is your profession bio?
After visit summary contents; surprise by, appreciation for included vs. excluded
Followed your advice, leary about telling more; instead, was ST referral for real?
What happens to my email?

=Stressors=
!!! Must have strategy for 14-day & 21-day sabbaticals (absence of CTK4T)
Drug working, but fear of self medicating
Combo everything = Struggle to focus at work
My feelings about PWS’s feelings
Amazing Growth – questioning “what does that mean?”
estranged grandson, 5th birthday, Nov 13th- sent hot wheels
How to feel about finding PWS’s collection of toys
Commonalities between brother’s suicide and Philip move out?
Which, if any, dailies would be picked to discuss in-depth?

=For me=
Scheduled haircut appointment, new salon
Past (and future?) Acupuncturist visit
Became Jared Halley (musician) patron
Ordered new core ball due to split and pop
Photography class attended – lesson lame, physical pain, 2hr walk
Conversation: Claude, Jim

=Health=
Sleep clinic appointment and find CPAP

=Support=
Long phone call from mostly Doug / Janet on line too

= Factor75=
Forgetting to eat/still have meals /new box arrived/gave extras to Janet
Failed to document dinner titles with taste

=Feeling=
Anxiety. Is saying, getting as overused as depression.

Sub-line should be FCKTY Fck Fck Fck

Packing. First duffle, not enough room in bedroom. Pick easy, fold/roll comforter. WAS grossed out at move in; now don’t wanta touch. Adding pillows. Should have been thrown out at move in. Gross now. Found the rubbery-dog-head-pet-hair-removal thing. PWS had said no idea where 5/6 were. Find 1/5: pile dirty laundry. FFFF. Why AM I doing this? Spiraling. Stubbornness. Told CTK I pack. Told PWS I pack. If stop, what does that say about me? The task now look overwhelming. I stubborn, mostly convicted I choose right path. Waffling. Downsize task by not doing laundry? What about mold? I am NOT going to wash 4gross p&c.

Maybe move all to main area, disassemble bed, stack on wall=make space to pack, and then store until storage locker is reorganized.

I don’t want to start entire decision process. Don’t want to talk. Maybe just one sox at a time, forward to done.
I’ve never had a best friend. I don’t want to ask Janet, seems undesirable. I’m ready to hire mover; but who would help take care of this shit? Reclaim the space. Reclaim my FCKing space. Can I just close the door, forever?

Art supplies in state of half organized. Months. Sometimes follow through just takes time/more time. How to let stubbornness plow faster, just get done. But how many months/years will I be stuck, even if packing done?
PWS, never going to see my side; going say fault for not “talking to him first.” Never say anything=unsustainable. Say something=months/years of aftermath

Analysis paralysis. What I have. Monstrous list of brainstormed things to share with you. I am so desperate to pick and compose something super super valuable. I already organized an agenda for Friday = so eager to be prepared.

Purchase of John Irving novel, Queen Esther. Value in discussing why his books have been important to me? Join book club, talk to Claude?

Do we need to examine, “how should I feel about the discover of Philip’s box of toys?” Route, conversation for Jim? […Jim says it is ok throw out that box, don’t pack.]

What IS it you want/need to know?

=Humor=
Be suspicious of every feeling… they can disguise themselves as legitimate health concerns… so the urgent feeling you just got from your biggest situation may not be real. Look for warning signs. Don’t interact with suspicious feelings. If you think a feeling is a fake attempt by self, don’t engage. Do what you do in good meditation—let the thought and the feeling just pass by/through. Instead of dealing with fake, go to the source instead. Hover over the feeling, but don’t engage. Verify the feeling; it may be impersonating a health reaction. If you get a feeling that is suspicious, one you weren’t expecting, or seems unusual, contact the source within yourself and verify the feeling is real.

Claude said, “you just rewrote phishing/cybersecurity training as emotional self-protection guidance; dark humor to survive boring training AND accidentally brilliant therapeutic framework.”

Feeling:anxious

PWS called a multiple of times with the goal: status of deposit on book and to locate paperwork for his savings account. I never completed my script (my wellbeing, his wellbeing, let’s keep talking just not about wanting to move in, I love you). He cut me off early. Instead:

• Upset I called the PO; created chain of events that may lead to revocation of probation
• Annoyed I didn’t pay deposit process fee
• At the conclusion of one call, he said that was mean and hung up.
• In a different call, accused me of being malicious for my actions
• Said I was stupid for contacting PO, and… Wishes I had talked to him first
• Angry that previous conversations during 15 mo, I said I don’t remember many details and events he mentioned; yet I can remember a very specific event and Philip doesn’t understand why I remember one and not the others.
• Last call end: ‘I’ll call you… never'”

May need his bike lock key, yet unable to identify bike.

Small-thing-up-set-ting-me. The ticking: I am unable to expedite the outcome. Even the simple facts must conform to the unchanging pattern. Why is this topic continuing to get my characters? I resent that. Reality: great deal more to say; difficult feelings and plans to process.

After much deliberation, I purchased multiple storage (duffle bag style) containers with zippers and handles; I want him to have ease to search through later. Now, to pack. Philip knows I’m packing. 🙁

Feeling: enraged, deep sigh, despair, long for logistical closure

When disaster comes – climate collapse, asteroid, whatever – there will be spaceships (or caves or lifeboats) to evacuate Earth or to find shelter. Limited seats. Only the most valuable and talented people deserve to go: scientists, mathematicians, engineers, artists, leaders, people with survival skills.

I don’t deserve a seat on the spaceship. I’m not smart enough, talented enough, useful enough. I should fade into the shadows and let better people survive.
This belief = my core. Formed in childhood through abuse and neglect. Mother beat me, left injuries untreated, gave contradictory demands without teaching, forced me to perform farm cruelty. Learned: my needs don’t matter, I’m defective, I don’t deserve care or resources.

I’ve adopted a stance that not all humans are equal.

Current ‘amazing growth’ happens on top of this unchanged belief. I’m doing therapy work to please you while still believing I don’t deserve to be on the spaceship. However, your role in amazing growth is not all attachment related. [I’ve had to harshly rein in Claude for seeing zebras, evidence of attachment, everywhere, when we are dealing with horses]. More likely my doing stuff is related to your enthusiasm and gentle nudging. Serendipity opening possibilities. And, a smidge of hypomania or adrenaline helping to create urgency.
Long event chain surrounding PWS = bit tied to child dysfunction history.

When the zombies arrive: I definitely will not survive, I won’t be able to out run them.

During therapy on 12th, CTK did a playful tongue-out expression… [in some informal settings or among close friends, a playful tongue-out expression might be used to jokingly show disagreement or annoyance.], which was followed by a double F-U gestures, and saying “Fuck you, fuck off.” All in response to me reporting that PWS had wanted to keep the car to sleep in.

Dreading Monday morning and how to quickly get caught up at work tasks. Would taking the Pregabalin be a help or hindrance?

—

Re: How can a simple permit number cause so much stress?

PWS called Sunday 11-16 to check on deposit; I couldn’t find receipt so added the $69 again. I suppose he thinks I’m being [something] since I didn’t get the transaction right the first time. I haven’t found the papers he asked about.

PWS’s dad dropped off PWS’s bike at the beginning of Fall 2025. To get to work, Philip took the bus or rode his bike. I gave him a ride in the Ford Focus perhaps twice; then I refused all future requests because Philip has road rage, even in the passenger’s seat. I couldn’t take the extremely disrespectful “back seat driver” mentality either.
I requested an apartment bike permit for PWS. He said he applied the sticker, but I didn’t see it happen. I don’t know what the bike looks like nor where he put it in the rack in the basement.

One more thing I’ll have to make arrangements for: get his bike lock… or cut it off, if I actually knew the bike. If he never did put the permit sticker on, then the building management staff, when their audit happens next week, will removed all unclaimed bikes… but how will I know if the bike is gone? I can call the management office and ask what number is assigned, and sound like an idiot.

===

Reviewing the “Things that make me happy” list… tonight I picked “Learning to knee on core ball, keeping balance”

Decided to find ball in box
In closet
Take out of box, royal blue but not as sharp, smells rubbery and musty
Need to find pump
How do you find something: look in the last place you saw it
Pump up ball
30min in… nearly the full size, hear a steady hiss; a split cause ball to silently pop, quickly
Search Amazon and spend $20 to get replacement; but a different brand

Nail biting

Re: processing reflections on comment, “I don’t care what you do. I do want you to do well and thrive.”
 
To manage attachment, I turned the first half of the comment into a mantra. Even my clock ticking meditation, hijacked. Each word pounding out a reality related to separation of client/therapist. Then, wanting to report in about the gratitude homework progress has been ambushed by spite. Angry conversation between client and therapist: C: completed major step in gratitude homework… acquired container and objects. Use not yet habit; working on it. T: Oh what did you get? C: “Why should I tell you? How is that helpful?,” said with anger and spite. You said, ‘I don’t care what you do.’ Why share with you details of what the container or objects are? Leading to sadness exploring the scope of ‘what’: Doing the homework itself is also a what? Which specific class picked is a what?
 
Phrase hurt when I first heard it. Creating the mantra was meant to face reality, but maybe mistake from the start. I’ve weaponized a truth into self-harm. Managed to completely suck the joy out of looking forward to sharing successes & plans.
 
Used as rubber band snap on every back slide when thoughts/feelings need examining as attachment-related behaviors. Believing first part of the comment is easy. Second half bounces off while first half sticks. How do I learn the second half, in healthy way? Accept caring with no entanglement? Why can’t I hold both truths simultaneously?
 
Harsh self-judgment.

Re: Patterns is Heaviest

Pregabalin 25mg Capsules – 1-2 daily as needed for anxiety and pain

• Received help to manage anxiety but doesn’t change core beliefs
• Decreased physical pain, such as walking and stairs
• Sleeping 8 hours
• After 8 hours of reduced movement = some zombie effect and stiffness

Factor75
Meals working well, ease to cook & clean up, improved digestion, eating regularly, taste ok, one less thing to manage.

The Kid

• PO confirmed he knows he’s not returning here. DOC referring him to residential program. Waiting to hear about coordinating logistics (key return, breathalyzer pickup, possessions storage).
• Started packing PWS’s things. Found more unexpected items that brought up a mix of memories, feelings, and questions.

Patterns
I don’t remember what I already reported about history of attachment. I have numerous stories that are too long as dailies. What would you need to know, in lieu of long stories? And, I want to know: what did I do or say that made you suspect newest attachment? Am I doing something unconsciously that I will want to fix?

Work
Struggling to stay focused. TGIF.

Feeling
relieved, conflicted, exhausted, curious, zombied