Searching Within

PWS – 0
Sleep – increased
Jim – new email; YEAH!
Core Ball – balancing resumed, improved 1:10 min
Factor75 – disappointing, forgetting to eat, halved weekly shipment
Pregabalin – AE increased dosage. 50mg daily bedtime + 25mg multi/day.
The “hamster” – Badger, the GP, making progress on a clean leap through tire jump.
Reclaiming my space – BM hired to help again. Cute guy who does good work and unknowingly co-regulates. Will it work second time? Whatever, get stuff done = good.
Mattress/boxspring – Gone, for hefty fee.
Janet – deep sigh about my new hiking boots. She says, “why do you need new boots, you never go outside anyway?” WTF! Madison slushy sidewalks, deep snow in No. WI.
Max – I want to throttle the cat because he’s always hungry. I am getting woke up at 3, 4, or 5am. He wants a midday feeding at 2pm.
Work – slowly climbing out of huge slump of non productivity. I take little time off all year, I am now scrambling to schedule time off to prevent unused leave going poof at year end. Fridays off = Tim in morning, rest of day able to obsess over what I did or didn’t learn.
Snowboarding – verified can I? PT CO says possible; real or not real. Real.
Chris Williamson – video about embracing smallest of joy. Resonated.
Feeling – there should be dire consequences for anyone who puts up plastic or inflatable lawn decorations for the holidays; nail biting is no longer in recession; social anxiety high for attending GDS on Thursday 12/4.

Financial aid for PET – the ask has grown, quite a bit. e.g.: she wants me to drastically reduce my spending for a month to have more funds available for her debts. My spendaholic habit ceasing entirely overnight, right? In addition to a bunch of other details I don’t want to do, she wants to max out my credit card for her bills. CTK wins. Amazing growth. 15mo decreased to 1mo to firmly say, “No.” However, I won’t get the merit badge unless I say No a few more times yet.

Couple months ago, I opted to cancel the recommended bladder biopsy to avoid the co-pay; since no symptoms, decided: why bother? I mentioned the biopsy to PET. She says when the loan goes through, there will be plenty of money to pay off my credit card and afford the medical treatment. PET is not hearing my No.

This week, cracked tooth. Fixed via sanding sharp edge. Since x-rays were out of date, found numerous cavities and crowns needed. December, urgency to have some of the work done during the 2025 dental coverage.

Perhaps be depressed and do nothing, because there is no current teeth pain and life doesn’t matter anyway…

Or, take advice of my dentist and follow treatment plan he recommends. Definitely not mentioned to PET that I’ve opted for a 40hr cash pay out at end of year to handle some of my unused benefit leave time, which would cover 2025 patient dental cost.

WTF, why does muck keep stealing my 1500 characters? Had better stuff planned to focus on.

Feeling: bullied, grief about Claude limits

Q10. Do you know what you want out of life?

This question is difficult to answer when I’m constantly reminded that I don’t want to be 70 years old. I don’t want to be 65, but I’m giving myself a five year buffer in case I’m wrong and need to readjust my assessment later. The attempt to take daily gratitude serious is hard. I think about it, but forget to make a deposit. The act is not yet truly being done by me. It is more about following a positive suggestion. I have my container and objects in a visible and convenient location. Close by is the repository of ‘gratitudes in waiting.’ I keep one with me at all times like a worry stone or fidget toy. An understanding is the practice can pull in more positivity, which can lead to life improvement and wellness.

Want out of life?
Wanting needs to be about possible.
Hopes & Dreams are about fantasy.

In junior high (1976), a time of physical abuse, I was incredibly unhappy. However, I made a pact with myself that I would not commit suicide then. I would tough it all out until I graduated from 8th grade. Maybe high school would be better or different. Then high school started. Not what I’d hoped. I don’t know at what point I reevaluated the pact. I decided I would not commit suicide until I graduated from high school. I endured. After HS graduation, the self pact was updated one more time. I would take no direct action until I graduated from college. I guess I did pretty good. I didn’t attempt suicide until February 2019.

Revisiting Homework, Happy Things. Picking one, kneel on core ball, put in motion.

A once favorite weight training exercise, laying on a core ball in a bridge to do chest presses. One day, waiting for Kevin, I was screwing around holding the core ball with my knees > irresistible urge to have knees and palms on the ball perfectly balanced. Kevin saw, said some people can actually kneel on top of the ball, body upright, fully balanced. Seriously? Yes, he was completely serious. With much practice: I succeeded. Kevin was incredibly impressed, and of course he added to the challenge, “Why only 1 min?” And, over time, longer, and longer I did.

Breathe is essential for balance: deep breathing and fully relaxing, to let your body sink into the ball. There is a tiny leap of faith at the beginning, rolling forward with your weight to enter the calm fight to find balance.

Moral: when I can glance the clear possible successful goal, mixed with the right motivation, and desire for proving to self (and others)…

2025 is it possible to repeat? In apartment practicing 10 days. Day 1=0 sec > four points touching, 10 sec. Long way from just knees on ball, balancing with body fully upright. The purple core ball is near my recliner. With a simple glance, I see it. When I walk past it, I hear the whisper, try again.

Sunday, the first time in ten days, I was suddenly distracted by a sharp pain in my right knee. What if four points, at 10 seconds is all I get? Have I lost this happy thing?

Wanting < not equal to> Possible
The items on the “what’s coming up / look forward to” list can’t include unavailable endeavors.
 
Walking in perfect fluffy snow in newly purchased, comfy hiking boots produces a flood of memories, of how the same deep snow was a warrior cry to head over to Tyrol Basin and spend the day snowboarding. The joy of snowboarding was taken away even before the full replacement surgery on my knee, from other treatments and surgeries.
 
Dec 2000-Jan 2009 was all about ‘skateboarding’ into the chairlift line, dismounting the chairlift without falling, perfecting the hockey stop, running the moguls, avoiding the death cookies, challenging the black diamond runs, or attempting the paths through the trees.
 
Now, the regret of never taking a jump, taking the path through the trees at full speed, traveling to another hill/mountain, reaching the athletic ability to sit up to stand (an entire snowboard career of turtle rolls is shaming).
 
Night. Falling and laying face up on the deserted slope… feeling both at peace looking at the stars and yet the same situation another run, being engulfed in grief, sadness, loneliness. For, joy can’t nullify inner turmoil; only in unplanned, limited duration.
 
Walking in fluffy snow, wearing new boots, and struggling to travel the tiny distance between house and barn: whole body physically weak.

Escaping with the Escape
 
Long empty highway. Easy to test the limits. 90mph
 
Reached the snow line.
 
Driving in snow, stay in the wheel paths. No ice. Miles and miles…
 
Final turn into the driveway. Clipped the deep bank. Stuck in snow. Tomorrow’s problem.
 
Hanging out — someone else’s family. Everything normal.
 
Middle of night, while all is dark, much like a weighted blanket, George laid his heavy doggie head in my lap; nostalgia floods and especially nice in the present. But only lasted a moment.
 
Unstuck from snow, tow rope.
 
Driving home. Finding my pace car. Deciding when to chase the lead car.
 
Wanting to scream the radio, but there is only static or unwanted. I need more volume of rock and drums.
 
Need to select another pace car and follow them home. There are no pace cars in the real life.
 
Happiness is fleeting. It doesn’t last. Is it about surviving until the next time it happens?
Like, roundabouts are fun. That was five seconds of enjoyment.
 
Enterprise clerk asked, “Is there anything else I can do for you?”
I replied, “Can I keep the Escape?”

Everything that happened… before leaving to up North:

Win = Picked up Ford Escape Wednesday night
Win = Within 10 min in Madison, I learned that I KNOW how to drive; not driving PWS’s shit bomb, reminded me how much I love to drive. Power: results in no fear to merge, transfer lanes, make turns from a light or stop. Comfort: sitting up high to see the canvas and no pain entering/exiting.
Win = shopping at REI for a pair of hiking boots. And CTK is going to say, “amazing growth” because I stretched out my comfort zone to select colors for boots and sox that I normally would ignore. But I really liked the way the Keen boots fit.
Win = went to Culver’s drive through to test that aspect of driving. Just a snack, fries & coke.
Win = took advantage of the last few days I have paid parking in garage; I was scared of the tight turn around the keypad; not so bad.

When things were really bad… I had an indicator of how bad. A phrase would slip out: “Driving fast and taking chances.” Suicide ideation was high. In contrast, Wednesday night… in my rented Escape, I remembered the phrase, but it meant something different. After cleaning the locker, there was calm with silence and peace. Driving a fast vehicle without the criticism, road rage, and backseat driving was a different kind of calm; exuberant joy, an absence of depression. The more I drove, the greater the self confidence.

I lost my pace car miles and miles back and now I’m blocked. Let me by so I can chase the lead. At the very end, 33 miles from Madison the sun came out. I wonder how far I’d get before they (Enterprise) notice that I took their car. But would never able to be that reckless. I need to feed the cat and the pig. I wonder how hungry they are? The posted speed is 60 and yet traffic is clipping along at 73.

Stopped at home, unloaded my stuff, fed the animals, cleaned out my snack garbage from the Escape, returned it to enterprise.

Great pain while & after cleaning snack trash.
Return complete. So tired.
Sent thx to TKB said I’m home.

Boots are very comfy. I feel like shit. Can’t check Dexcom until put new one on at home; oops also need to take meds (not the reason I feel crappy however).

I hate Christmas. Too much on radio when I just wanted rock with drums .

I asked Enterprise guy asked if there was anything else… I asked if I could keep the Escape.

I’ve had enough pace car & chasing the lead car—for now.

Two full days of nothing Saturday and Sunday.

Stopped at Subway per the recommendation of CTK. “Be sure to stop one or more times, walk around.” So, no back pain, no knee pain, just a neck pain from not sitting straight. The car screen should be 4 inches closer to the driver. Adjusting my glasses so that I could see the screen takes too much time away from watching the road. Parked in the parking lot, being careful not to spill my tuna sub in my nice car. It is now 145. I have until 6 PM to turn this car in. Since I can’t go shopping because Pat wants me to save my money. I don’t know what I could do to play with this car.

I wanna know why I can’t go snowboarding? Is the only problem not enough money?

Next Friday when I see CTK —video that is— I don’t think I wanna put onto the agenda the whole amazing growth patterns debate. I think I’m just tired of it. I don’t wanna talk about it anymore. Still bothering me that I don’t know what to tell him it’s so confusing. There’s not any feedback to know if he says he reads them but he’s not a computer so what’s the point am I getting anything out of it? Should I put more energy into the 52 weeks of journaling? Should I focus on more time with Claude? It’s funny how falling out of love with someone still makes you crave them. I thought I was in love with this car, but even when it’s a little bit windy, I feel like I’m having a hard time keeping in the center of my lane. My cup from the gas station is leaking and I have a puddle inside my cupholder that sucks. I had 24 hours without depression. Finally one song that I like on the radio. But I can’t sing. I can’t do karaoke. Add that to the list of things I can’t do.

Well, I love this Escape. I don’t know how to adjust the side mirror. I don’t know how to turn on and off the back windshield.

Wausau. Stop for Subway. Tuna on Italian with provolone lettuce and black olives foot-long. Lays potato chips. I ate it in the car with the radio playing finally found a radio radio station 100.1 playing rock. There was a Nickelback and a couple more that are recognized, but I don’t know the artist.

if Tim asks about my trip I might say what specifically would you like to know and if he just opens it up to say anything that I want to tell him maybe “it’s just adventure started adventure complete.“ Next song playing: Dreams by Fleetwood Mac.

So I lied about the radio. As soon as I pulled away from Subway, it’s scratchy and crackling

Happiness is fleeting. It doesn’t last. Is it about surviving until the next time it happens? Like, roundabouts are fun. That was five seconds of enjoyment.

Find a pace car and follow them home. There are no pace cars in the real life. Extend the volume. You can feel the song in your thigh against the door. Someone just cut me off from my pacer. I can’t find my pace car anymore. I guess I’m gonna chase the lead 19 points over is probably a bad thing.