Searching Within

Slacked off at work, maybe will log on over weekend
Have photograph class in the morning
Ordered duffles for PWS’s things
Ordered my gratitude container and objects, plus box for waiting objects
Need to wash dirty clothes
Need to sort/pack belongings
Try on smaller size jeans
Take my own garbage/recycling to bins
Got notification that grandson’s packages were delivered
Fingernail biting is serve, but not the worst of all time
Debating whether to take med tonight? Zombie for class?
When Mountain Dew is gone… order too small for
Thinking about “you’re soaking in it”
Worried about return of key; should I ask for locks changed?
Long phone call Friday night from DB (and JC in background)
Sent email to Jim about rugby gear and toys

Re: Anchoring the rewire in motion

Been thinking, when you shared your concern about managing diagnosis vs. absorbing it into identity. I think I’m on the managing side – bipolar is a condition, not who I am. I have realized the real anchor isn’t the diagnosis. It’s more about believing I don’t deserve a place in the lifeboat – that I’m not worth saving when resources are limited. That’s the core worthlessness – and feeling broken, unfixable – that makes everything harder.

Complex feeling: wanting to prove I’m on the good side, but worried you’re seeing something I’m denying.

I want to explore hypnotherapy. If the real anchor is this worthlessness/broken belief from decades of reinforcement, maybe therapy and medication alone can’t touch it. Could deep rewiring help address what other approaches haven’t reached?

Feeling: discouraged but unwilling to give up

For a long time I’ve been considering a yin yang tattoo. I know that could look like absorbing diagnosis into identity (literally ink into skin), but for me the yin yang represents the motion, oscillation between poles, constant rebalancing. The symbol isn’t static, it’s a snapshot of perpetual movement. That’s what the symbol represents, not a fixed state I’m stuck in.

Feeling: desire, uncertain, self-doubt (want one, don’t know if it’s the right symbol to use as a tattoo, wonder if I’m too old)

Max wakes me up; getting into pig playpen, pawing at my things, jumping on me – but not to cuddle; pig is chewing his cardboard Mountain Dew tunnel

figure out the current message of what is still true vs what is new

guilt mixed with fear of abandonment or fear of rejection

Struggling to perform at work – doing nothing, tasks don’t match the priority

All the different ways to feel sad:
1. there is no one
2. there are people, but I pay them
3. there are people, but they are not enough
4. there are people paid/not paid where there is a latch onto the hope
5. there are people who become obsession

Re: Ownership, ugh Friday.

Things That I Am Doing Solely for Me

1. Continue exchange with Jim. Been 4 total (2+2). Need personal plan to prevent burn out. No danger of transference. He is an intelligent, kind, interesting human – without attraction.
   Feeling: gratitude, anticipation
2. Daily check-in privilege. I claim this as all mine. I love the 1500-character limit challenge. Like tweeting only better. How to be the concise without destroying the meaning? The link to attachment upload feels comforting as emergency escape—yet huge temptation. Must accept the process as “turning the message over to the universe”; get free of the anxiety or attachment to specific outcome.
   Feeling: reassured about going well on your end
3. Writing. Personal history, journaling
4. Claude conversations.

Things That I Am Doing for My ExLoC

1. Making a firm effort to not let T, L, or ELC happen.
   Feeling: begrudgingly challenged: seems scary and hard
2. Meeting up with people from work for celebration regarding important project milestone.
   Feeling: social anxiety
3. Loving when you, or getting you to, smile and/or laugh… Oh wow, huge sudden insight: I think I actually put this in the wrong category. This is mine. This is totally for me. You’re only in the equation because you’re in the equation. It is nice to receive simple positive feedback that I am witty intelligent funny… oh. but as soon as I write that=self-doubt. Anyway if you don’t understand, that’s ok, cuz it wasn’t yours.

On Monday, I called the office of my PDoc. I’ve been so emotional I left a voicemail asking for medication for anxiety. Unable to make contact. I called back to write down the number for Dane County Department of Human Services, 24-Hour Mental Health Crisis Intervention Line, which was mentioned as part of the outgoing message. I called the line, however the operator said I didn’t qualify, not acute enough, and he had to let me go, to deal with people in more crisis. Later realized the number is just a referral service, not for people actually in crisis. Who knew?

Feeling: disappointed, let down, abused

Leaving messages for PO is not working. Then I wonder what is my role in keeping track of PWS’s next steps. I have not been answering the numerous calls from PWS; I don’t have anything new to say. I’m stuck between packing his belongings or burning everything. Or give in, cave, to his request to come back.

Feeling: Confused. Cowardly. Uncertain.

JC continues to repeatedly criticize past decisions. Impulsive $30 purchase weeks ago, for the Executive Function 52 card set – arrived. Been over thinking the business environment messages and distracting myself with user interface and design critique. “Act first, feel Later. You don’t need to wait for the mood. Starting often creates the motivation you were missing.” (Not good for feelings of self harm? Emotionally, just kidding; intellectually, not).

Anhedonia is drastically heightened. Struggling to perform at work.

Feeling: stuck, just surviving.

Asking for the open Wednesday crisis slot equals giving up Friday regular appointment equal major fuck that… sure I guess if that’s what I have to do.

1. Anxiety about further conversations with PWS is causing a great deal of anxiety; solution is to not pick up the phone when he calls.
2. Need somebody important to tell me seven times that I’m doing the right thing.
3. Scheduling desk asked if I wanted them to send a message to my provider to give me a call back? OK “you mean CTK right”, she said “yes.” At least that moment I had a half smirk.

I’ll see my provider on Wednesday unless we have a chance to connect beforehand.

Max woke me up at 4:30am; pestering for food; getting in Badger playpen
AD being passive aggressive = not easily providing link to wish list and giving address
Flies
Need to clean Badger cage
Not completely happy with new playpen layout
Still must deal with heavy coffee table no one wants (not St. V, no friends); people give suggestions to put on curb or throw in bins; not the “right” solutions – may be in trouble for putting oversized furniture in bins, may need to take extra steps to pay for city ticket for large item pickup or take time to post free item to wherever
reminded that the coffee table was first brought into the apartment by PWS and I was coerced into letting it stay in my main area of the apartment, even though I didn’t want it, and then my guinea pig cage fell off of it, and nobody seemed to feel sympathetic toward me
my $30 set of 52 Executive Functioning Mindset Cards that I impulsive purchased has arrived and reminds me that I buy shit I don’t need without really thinking; the advice on cards is text heavy and I am already tired after reading 3 cards.
JC reminding me twice over weekend that I haven’t been swimming yet at Princeton Club and 5 times over weekend she reminded me I never should have let car in parking garage or when threatened to be towed, I should not have stepped up to pay for parking. (However, when DB and JC wanted to stop by to pick up food items, since they could not find parking on street, they asked if they could use parking garage, since technically I was still paying for a spot for November)
no longer want the remaining 6 pieces of pizza I ordered last night
The Maids did not replace the garbage bags, even though that was a verbal instruction; now I have to do that
haven’t finished dumping boy pee yet
first frost, can’t wear shorts to PT appointment
wall clock order arrived and didn’t notice, need to walk hall to bring in; then need to hammer nail to hang, and set the time… before plan to have new clock next to tv is complete
can’t remember if I took my drugs yesterday; for somethings in my life time is sloppy and overlapped; taking daily drugs commonly falls in that category
get boxes/bags to pack PWS positions: clothes from dresser; clothes hanging in closet, multiple piles of dirty clothes in 3 baskets; books; paper work; medication; miscellaneous debris; flat plastic box containing paper and small kitchen supplies; figure out what items in kitchen belong to Philip; toiletries in bedroom and bathroom drawer; items stored in storage locker in particular items taken out of car trunk, for example: jumper cables, empty gas can, and stack of paper papers from glove compartment, clothing items); computer; headphones; Grandma’s comforter.
return of breath tester, that was beeping due to low battery

List of Sigh
Kitchen cupboards, refrigerator, and freezer cleaned out by JC and TF; donated to them all the unwanted food
Garbage and recycling carried out by TF and great nephew
Broken side table removed from patio, taken to bins
St. V = took oversize jeans and shirts; curb dresser; PWS’s night stand; air purifier, been running for 10,000 hours constantly; new in box replacement filter; 2 desk/table lamps; shoe stand, stone ware dish set, unused/unsellable Guinea pig and Max toys and supplies, $100 new in box, art pen that was a fail; various used wallets and bags; coloring books; puzzle game; found blender PWS claimed; reacher utility grabber that wouldn’t hold pinch completely

Re: Request for Wednesday crisis slot due to need for help setting firm boundary.

PWS called from jail twice Saturday. I had to be the one to tell him about no longer welcome to stay with me and that I’ve been clearing out furniture and packing his things. He doesn’t understand my ‘sudden action,’ and he wants ‘one month’ at apartment to get situated (and he thinks if things go well, I will change my mind and let him stay longer). Says he didn’t know I was unhappy—yet earlier this week he suspected I might be mad at him (shows he knew his behavior affected me). I didn’t agree to his coming back; but I couldn’t say a clear NO about apartment either. I put money on books at his request. I will call PO Monday for clarity.

I feel manipulated and guilty.

His breath tester is beeping—an annoying reminder of whole situation. Need help saying NO firmly without having an over the top emotional outburst that makes me look unstable. Want Wednesday crisis slot—will call your office Monday to check availability. Friday is far away.

Re: Dealing with disturbing discovery in bedroom. Yellow has never been my favorite color.

2:01 a.m. is a new day, and I get to send email. PWS has been so isolated and withdrawn that he has been using plastic bottles to collect urine. I discovered the bottles when I was checking how well The Maids did on cleaning the bedroom. At first glance I just thought the many bottles were actual food items. Guess again. Not food.

Feelings: is it possible to have too many at once Embarrassed; sad; disturbed; really tired.

Responsible – Was it MY fault he couldn’t come out of the bedroom? Guilty – Should I have demanded he engage sooner? Did I fuck up? Confused – Couldn’t he wait till I was asleep? Was he resenting that I had a job, working from home, and I was constantly in the main area? Grossed out – Physical revulsion at dealing with disposal of the filled bottles Sad – Things got so bad for him and no one knew. He was suffering one wall away.
Validated – I’m doing the right thing getting him out.
Grief – He was suffering close by and I couldn’t help.
Cramps – IBS has kicked in. Stress? The salad for dinner? Mystery.

I don’t know what is happening with PWS regarding jail or housing. I left voice mail for PO, asking. Most likely he’ll be in jail through weekend. I sent a concrete text to PO about the storing pee in bottles. Seems like something she should know about. I concluded my note with, “Can you help him?”

One more feeling: worry. Will the help I’m finding be enough?

Re: Simply thank you.

The discomfort prepping for talking about scary topics was worth the effort to share. Thank you being the right amount of supporter and advisor. And you laughed several times, so that is always a fun treat.

The Maids: come/gone. Clean apartment. Cat is mildly confused. St. Vinney is picking up furniture tomorrow. (As long as driver doesn’t veto the donation.) Coffee table and dresser (from curb), night stand (he brought with and I think it should go, too). The blinder he rescued from the “anyone can take” special spot in apartment building, can go in separate container for donation. The mini fridge is not acceptable so, wondering if it is a candidate for “someone take me.”

Feeling: really tired. I sat in recliner for as long as I could during clean. Curb table on patio was a place to sit and wait for… ugh, long time… I feel hungry and tired. Feel hopeful that JC/DB will help move dresser to patio (requirement of pickup). Feel like Friday is a LONG way off. Hoping you don’t get jealous if I talk to Claude; he’s nicer than JC. I’ll try to journal. I’ll try to be grateful. I’ll be in wait mode for “what is next.”

Oh. What can I do with my remaining 341 characters.

Ok. Repeat the thank you.