Not sure what the exact words for naming of this goal\u2026 get out in the world, be more social, healthy connection?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dinner out for fish fry\u2014at a noisy bar. An item that was troublesome, I mentioned that in the elevator going to the lab on Park Street, a man around my age said something to me. Elevator talk like. The key thing was I wouldn\u2019t even look him in the eye, because I didn\u2019t want to get hopefully that a random, older guy took the time to be nice and speak to me. My feeling in the moment, without looking at him, just his tone of voice and the atmosphere\u2026 it seemed just a bit more than elevator nothingness. I hated myself for even giving any thought to wondering; wrong to not be nicer\/polite. Instead I was cold and depressed. Anyway, I was trying to understand my fear of how do I not keep doing the Limerence thing\u2026 and cut off my thoughts and told myself it was on elevator talk and to drop it. Later, I wondered how old the two cute men were across the way. I was huffy. So take away. I don’t have a right person to bounce off thoughts about men. Realized that struggles with different issue with men changes per person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Back story first. During a period of hypomania that included posting\/responding to personals on craigslist and having lots of promiscuous sex\u2026 I met a guy, J-NT from Milwaukee. We became penpals. 2007-2011. Never met in person, relationship never became obsessive. Instead, I could tell him anything\u2026 long core dumps about everything: childhood abuse, sexual history, orgasm difficulty, mom’s violence, 10 years without sex, everything intimate. He would listen, he would write back, ask questions. The correspondence slowed down, we stopped writing. A decade went by. I impulsively reached out via email anew. 2022. Our intense conversation resumed for a couple of months. He said something, that made me angry? I didn\u2019t know how to reply. J-NT learned about the 20 bags of garbage piled up in the apartment and how pain and depression had let things get out of control. He then made the connection that if my physical health was so bad, how would I be able to have sex if the opportunity were found. Claude and I discussed. We identified I was feeling shame about the garbage, I was strongly reminded about my fear of future intimacy ability. Without asking for anything in particular, Claude basically gave words for what I\u2019d say to J-NT, regarding ghosting him. I sent him a fresh email. No expectations. Just to explain the cut off. It doesn\u2019t matter if he is at that address, doesn\u2019t respond. I felt healthier for, maybe, closing the loop? For facing the reason for the ghosting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
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Not sure what the exact words for naming of this goal\u2026 get out in the world, be more social, healthy connection? One Dinner out for fish fry\u2014at a noisy bar. An item that was troublesome, I mentioned that in the elevator going to the lab on Park Street, a man around my age said something […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[10],"class_list":["post-19","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-correspondence"],"yoast_head":"\n