{"id":635,"date":"2026-05-31T20:46:09","date_gmt":"2026-06-01T01:46:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/searchingwithin.com\/wordpress\/?p=635"},"modified":"2026-05-31T21:01:40","modified_gmt":"2026-06-01T02:01:40","slug":"moonlight-paddle","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/searchingwithin.com\/wordpress\/?p=635","title":{"rendered":"Moonlight Paddle"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Twenty-one minutes on the water. Not tired, not cold enough yet to deserve the fleece. It’s in the dry bag calling to me but I think I should be really, really cold first, so I’ll appreciate it more when I finally give in. I keep finding the weeds. I am petrified I will drop my phone into the lake.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Four kayaks are lounging together, loud and laughing, telling stories. Two more over there, traveling as a pair. Two more past them, also a pair. A guy is paddling backward so he can keep talking to his buddy. Somebody balanced popcorn on a paddleboard. The geese are squawking. The barge has live music and the music is bad.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dip the paddle, the water drips. Dip, drip. Two and a half hours of this, a constant meditation I did not ask for. How do you turn your mind off? My back doesn’t hurt, glory be. I can feel the muscles pull, clean, no pain, and when I lift the blade the drops come down like rain off the end. That part is good. That part has nothing attached to it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I finally dug out the fleece. You’d think I’d never trusted myself with a decision before, the way I drew it out. I think I saw a fish, or a big turtle. I suppose I wouldn’t be so cold if I stopped reflecting and meditating and actually paddled.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Happy? More like absent of extreme emotion. Not happy, not depressed, not content. Lonely. Missing out. I did it, so now I can write about it. Maybe I can lift some of these details into something else later and call it fiction. The boats strung with Christmas lights looked like fun. I wished for a warm hat. I invited someone to come. They never answered. I came anyway. Alone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

After: watched Antwone Fisher. A therapist story. I cried when he met his mother. I was sad past all proportion when the therapist told him their time together was done. And there it was, hours after the water, the thing the lake wouldn’t give me. I wonder what I am getting out of Tim time. I wonder if it would be better not to go.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If part of the fun of a thing is the anticipation, then why did I spend the whole day agonizing over how to dress for the lake. And if anticipation is the fun, why is looking forward to therapy treated like a problem to fix. The same engine runs both. One I’m allowed, one I’m not, and nobody can tell me the rule.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I would not wish for twenty-four hours without depression. Too small. A week. I don’t know what I’d do with a week. Maybe nothing. Maybe everything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I ordered delivery: mac and cheese pizza.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Twenty-one minutes on the water. Not tired, not cold enough yet to deserve the fleece. It’s in the dry bag calling to me but I think I should be really, really cold first, so I’ll appreciate it more when I finally give in. I keep finding the weeds. 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