Author: seeker

Family drama reprieve.
Spent time decluttering.

Two point balance on core ball is so close. I fell hard recently. Smacked my good knee. Another time nearly cracked my head. Tuck and roll. I am stubborn and a risk taker. I can’t stop. Compulsion towards success. Chasing possible.

Weight training. Nearly past the effectiveness of the 5# hand weights on most exercises. Fake shoulder needs more time. Impulse Amazon order of new pair of 10# & 15# hand weights. These, as well, will be insufficient soon. Silly purchase. Apartment as home gym, impractical. Lack of full time trainer, unfeasible. I miss Kevin.

Grief soaks in.
I don’t know why I’m doing this. I don’t know why.
There is a tightly woven noose, I need you to help me untangle the knot.

I sat with Max; soft petting until enough. He’s off; gone. Then he did a famous sneak attack. FUCK, that HURT! Two deep punctures and a tooth racking. The holes are beading up blood, pools, runs. Fascination; enjoying sitting with the pain. Something better than numb confusion. Maybe he knew I needed the distraction.

Decade of my kid farm experience meant you don’t wash, don’t add ointment, don’t add gauze. I’ve lived that way my whole life. Bite has coagulated. See? No need to get up from chair. Left arm is marked up Max bites and scratches. Sneak attacks are part of life.

Apartment main area strewn with workout gear. Why? What’s the purpose?
Unattainable goals. Loneliness. Not about living longer.
I don’t want to do this anymore.

Q10. Do you know what you want out of life?
 
This question is difficult to answer when I’m constantly reminded that I don’t want to be 70 years old. I don’t want to be 65, but I’m giving myself a five year buffer in case I’m wrong and need to readjust my assessment later. The attempt to take daily gratitude serious is hard. I think about it, but forget to make a deposit. The act is not yet truly being done by me. It is more about following a positive suggestion. I have my container and objects in a visible and convenient location. Close by is the repository of ‘gratitudes in waiting.’ I keep one with me at all times like a worry stone or fidget toy. An understanding is the practice can pull in more positivity, which can lead to life improvement and wellness.
 
Want out of life?
Wanting needs to be about possible.
Hopes & Dreams are about fantasy.
 
In junior high (1976), a time of physical abuse, I was incredibly unhappy. However, I made a pact with myself that I would not commit suicide then. I would tough it all out until I graduated from 8th grade. Maybe high school would be better or different. Then high school started. Not what I’d hoped. I don’t know at what point I reevaluated the pact. I decided I would not commit suicide until I graduated from high school. I endured. After HS graduation, the self pact was updated one more time. I would take no direct action until I graduated from college. I guess I did pretty good. I didn’t attempt suicide until February 2019.

Revisiting Homework, Happy Things. Picking one, kneel on core ball, put in motion.
 
A once favorite weight training exercise, laying on a core ball in a bridge to do chest presses. One day, waiting for KTT, I was screwing around holding the core ball with my knees > irresistible urge to have knees and palms on the ball perfectly balanced. Kevin saw, said some people can actually kneel on top of the ball, body upright, fully balanced. Seriously? Yes, he was completely serious. With much practice: I succeeded. KTT was incredibly impressed, and of course he added to the challenge, “Why only 1 min?” And, over time, longer, and longer I did.
 
Breathe is essential for balance: deep breathing and fully relaxing, to let your body sink into the ball. There is a tiny leap of faith at the beginning, rolling forward with your weight to enter the calm fight to find balance.
 
Moral: when I can glance the clear possible successful goal, mixed with the right motivation, and desire for proving to self (and others)…
 
2025 is it possible to repeat? In apartment practicing 10 days. Day 1=0 sec > four points touching, 10 sec. Long way from just knees on ball, balancing with body fully upright. The purple core ball is near my recliner. With a simple glance, I see it. When I walk past it, I hear the whisper, try again.
 
Sunday, the first time in ten days, I was suddenly distracted by a sharp pain in my right knee. What if four points, at 10 seconds is all I get? Have I lost this happy thing?

Wanting < does not equal> Possible

The items on the “what’s coming up / look forward to” list can’t include unavailable endeavors.
 
Walking in perfect fluffy snow in newly purchased, comfy hiking boots produces a flood of memories, of how the same deep snow was a warrior cry to head over to Tyrol Basin and spend the day snowboarding. The joy of snowboarding was taken away even before the full replacement surgery on my knee, from other treatments and surgeries.
 
Dec 2000-Jan 2009 was all about ‘skateboarding’ into the chairlift line, dismounting the chairlift without falling, perfecting the hockey stop, running the moguls, avoiding the death cookies, challenging the black diamond runs, or attempting the paths through the trees.
 
Now, the regret of never taking a jump, taking the path through the trees at full speed, traveling to another hill/mountain, reaching the athletic ability to sit up to stand (an entire snowboard career of turtle rolls is shaming).
 
Night. Falling and laying face up on the deserted slope… feeling both at peace looking at the stars and yet the same situation another run, being engulfed in grief, sadness, loneliness. For, joy can’t nullify inner turmoil; only in unplanned, limited duration.
 
Walking in fluffy snow, wearing new boots, and struggling to travel the tiny distance between house and barn: whole body physically weak.

Escaping with the Escape
 
Long empty highway. Easy to test the limits. 90mph
 
Reached the snow line.
 
Driving in snow, stay in the wheel paths. No ice. Miles and miles…
 
Final turn into the driveway. Clipped the deep bank. Stuck in snow. Tomorrow’s problem.
 
Hanging out — someone else’s family. Everything normal.
 
Middle of night, while all is dark, much like a weighted blanket, George laid his heavy doggie head in my lap; nostalgia floods and especially nice in the present. But only lasted a moment.
 
Unstuck from snow, tow rope.
 
Driving home. Finding my pace car. Deciding when to chase the lead car.
 
Wanting to scream the radio, but there is only static or unwanted. I need more volume of rock and drums.
 
Need to select another pace car and follow them home. There are no pace cars in the real life.
 
Happiness is fleeting. It doesn’t last. Is it about surviving until the next time it happens?

Like, roundabouts are fun. That was five seconds of enjoyment.
 
Enterprise clerk asked, “Is there anything else I can do for you?”
I replied, “Can I keep the Escape?”

Thank you for offer to proof read.

Email sent.

Everything that happened… before leaving to up North:
 
Win = Picked up Ford Escape Wednesday night
Win = Within 10 min in Madison, I learned that I KNOW how to drive; not driving Philip’s shit bomb, reminded me how much I love to drive. Power: results in no fear to merge, transfer lanes, make turns from a light or stop. Comfort: sitting up high to see the canvas and no pain entering/exiting.
Win = shopping at REI for a pair of hiking boots. And Tim is going to say, “amazing growth” because I stretched out my comfort zone to select colors for boots and sox that I normally would ignore. But I really liked the way the Keen boots fit.
Win = went to Culver’s drive through to test that aspect of driving. Just a snack, fries & coke.
Win = took advantage of the last few days I have paid parking in garage; I was scared of the tight turn around the keypad; not so bad.
 
When things were really bad… I had an indicator of how bad. A phrase would slip out: “Driving fast and taking chances.” Suicide ideation was high. In contrast, Wednesday night… in my rented Escape, I remembered the phrase, but it meant something different. After cleaning the locker, there was calm with silence and peace. Driving a fast vehicle without the criticism, road rage, and backseat driving was a different kind of calm; exuberant joy, an absence of depression. The more I drove, the greater the self confidence.

I can’t stop thinking about amazing growth. I know TK4T said we could drop it. But I feel a desperation that I want him to understand me. I want him to see how certain patterns have been present throughout my life. I’m being bold to send a lengthy communication, because I need to go into this long weekend with a satisfaction that I said all. I’m frustrated that I’m not a better extemporaneous speaker.

TK4T, I realize this is a lot. If it just gets a skim, I’m … 98% ok with that. Out of all of this information, what I most want to share with you is the detail of the

• full story of Farrier School,
• what I learned from rock climbing, and
• my journey working with KTT, a personal trainer to get physically fit.

Attachment sent: AmazingGrowth-vs-Patterns.pdf

I started a 52 week structured journaling project by Daily OM, titled “A Year of Writing to Reveal Who You Really Are.”
 
I’m finding the writing prompts for week 1 to be harder than I expected.

Self-Awareness

• What drew you to participate in this course?
• Do you think you’re a self-aware person? Why?
• Is there a good balance in your life between being self-focused and focusing on others?
• What makes you think so?
• Do you think others see you the way you see yourself?
• Do you think a mindfulness practice will help you, or has one already been beneficial? How so?
• Are you good at understanding what you’re feeling?
• Do you know why you do the things you do?
• Do you know what things are most important to you?
• Do you know what you want out of life?
• So, to amuse myself…

I asked Claude to answer my questions for me. His answer, “My input on all of them based on what I know about you…” was more than 5000 characters. The output has given me a lot to think about. I’m not sure which question I want to tackle first, to generate my own answers.

Still Seeking Help for Where to Begin

I wonder which question TK4T would most be interested in seeing my answer to?