Searching Within

Journaling

  • Not Able to Celebrate the Success

    Note written in the after visit notes, “…seems likely that she was not able to celebrate the success of this big purchase as much as might be useful.”

    The day I drove away from the dealership, I felt quiet with a mood as drippy as the subtle rain. I was glad I didn’t need to use the wipers. I had only learned the right lever a few hours before. The sappy mood may merely meant I was severely tired after the three hour process of talk and paperwork. Maybe an anti-climactic feeling present? I was being turned loose with a single key and Escape. Then the some what unimportant thought: wanting a new, special key chain interrupted. Especially how the new keychain needed to be exactly right, feel right, look right, be mine. Immediately criticism for being sentimental and focusing on the least important thing of owning a new car.

    I was making a head list of everything that needed to happen next:

    • Call apartment manager for parking permit hang tag and garage door opener and pay the opener deposit
    • Arrange parking payment
    • Sit with owner’s manual: learn the most important controls before needed
    • Finalize Princeton Club membership length (1 or 2 years)
    • Make first visit to the resistance pool
    • Determine the go and go and go plan
    • Know Escape is free of any Focus baggage, but ownership responsibility seems bigger/different
    • Calculate degrees of scared about handling the “next”

    I knew I wasn’t in big purchase bliss.

  • The Four Steps to Building a Routine

    At the end of our session, running out of time, Tim said to ask Claude AI for the “The Four Steps to Building a Routine.” i.e., I will need to follow through on the goal, Healthy Body/Rebuild Muscle. I’m scared that I won’t be able to do the “go and go and go” portion.

    Input

    What are the four steps to building a routine? In particular I will need to leave my apartment, drive to Princeton Club and do weight training, and/or walking in the Resistance Pool.

    The Four Steps to Building a Routine

    1. Anchor it to an existing behavior
      Don’t create a new slot in your day from scratch — attach the gym trip to something you already do reliably. For you, this might be: right after your Factor meal delivery arrives and you eat, right after your zoo shift, or at the same time each morning you’re already up for PT. The existing habit carries the new one.
    2. Reduce the friction to near zero
      Every decision point between you and the door is a place the routine can collapse. Solve these in advance, not in the moment:
      • Keep your gym bag packed and sitting by the door
      • Decide the night before: pool or weights. Not both decisions at once when you’re tired
      • Know the route cold before your first solo trip so driving anxiety doesn’t become a reason not to go
    3. Start embarrassingly small
      The goal for the first two to three weeks is not fitness — it is showing up. One exercise. Twenty minutes. Getting there and leaving counts as a win. The brain needs to learn that going is normal and safe before it will stop resisting. Trying to do a full workout too early is one of the most reliable ways to make the routine collapse.
    4. Track the streak, not the performance
      What you did at the gym matters less than whether you went. A simple tally — even just marking an X on a paper calendar on your wall — creates visible momentum. Missing once is fine. The rule is: never miss twice in a row. Two misses in a row is where routines die.

    One practical suggestion specific to you: given that driving is still new and carries its own cognitive load, consider making your first few trips purely orientation trips — drive there, park, walk in, look around, leave. No workout pressure. That separates two learning curves (driving the route, and the gym itself) so they don’t compound each other into avoidance.

  • Boots

    Moment by moment of boots.

    Taking off your boots.

    • Untie/unhook
    • Spread the tongue to loosen the
    • Slide the boot off
    • With tidiness, wind up the laces and tuck them inside the boot.
    • Take off the sock’s sock liner and Smartwool sock as one unit.
    • Roll the socks up and tuck them into the boot.
    • Place boot in the proper location for an empty boot.

    Putting on Your Boot

    • Grab boots and put them near you.
    • Pull out one pair of socks and separate the liner from the wool sock.
    • For first foot put on liner, put on wool sock.
    • Remove laces from inside the boot.
    • Slip foot into boot.
    • Lace-up boot.

    Repeat with second foot.

  • Everything is a Test

    Waited perhaps six months for conducting my home sleep test. Picking up the kit, reading the directions, and connecting all the contact points was easy. Following the vet’s approved cat preparation, i.e., how to reduce Max interference, involved two pokes down the throat with sedatives. No biting nor scratching resulted. 🙂

    Biggest disappointment was the key component of doing a sleep test is to actually sleep. Most of the night was filled with wakefulness.

    Fun fact: a drugged sleeping cat is heavier than a normal sleeping cat.

    On the way back from dropping off the sleep test kit, I took a few moments for the first act of making the Escape dashboard and controls mine. Feedback to Ford: the instructions for fixing the clock belongs in the quick start guide. However, that information is not there. Switching to the owners manual and taking a glance at the index: c for Clock? Apparently the time control is not indexed as Clock and clock is not time. I now see: you must know that clock is categorized as a setting. Read the steps and three boops later, I have sprung ahead.

    I suppose now that I’m all grown up with a “real” vehicle, I should drive—as instructed—to the apartment management office to pick up my own parking permit hang tag and garage door remote. I suppose it is silly to ask them to drop the items off when I do have personal transportation. Suddenly “drive self” means calculating how and where to park at destinations.

  • Shifting Sand

    The metaphorical shifting sands of change have affected schedules and roles. The literal shifting has affected balance. Literal is hurting the worse.

    The difference a day makes. One day is not singular, the truth commands to three. Two are gone. Keep the third by invoking the sneaky shortcut: send late when the monitoring is done.

    When passengers switch to owners… suddenly navigator becomes the prime role that needs a quick tutorial. The hyper-vigilant scanning the road and surrounding areas becomes exhausting. I want a better, personalized, chain for the bulky fob and regular keys.

    My last vehicle had manual window cranks. “Pull up, push down” is the mantra now to remember how to run the window controls. Up and down means close and open. Similar to the scrolling direction on the computer, specifically, the “natural” vs. “traditional” setting.

    The play: test the core ball with the sand stabilization feature. The first conclusion, stay off the unfamiliar and untrained until the near cracked ribs can heal. Rubberized safety surfacing does not create bounce.

    Deep breathe meditation needs finesse.

  • Good, Bad, Ugly

    Everyday, every moment has all things.

    The Good

    • Ford Escape, with license plates attached. Insurance acquired.
    • Princeton Club membership established.
    • First weight training session completed on the main floor.

    The Bad

    • Resistance pool closed for the day due to mechanical upgrades.
    • Still waiting for the garage parking permit and garage door opener

    The Ugly

    • Ironic development – While using a different style core ball at the club, took a hard spill and bruised my left front ribs. Deep breathing, sneezing, and certain movements are quite painful.

  • Plan in Motion

    Tim said that sometimes it needs to simply start with putting on your shoes.

    Saturday morning. I’m putting on my AF-1. Packing my gym bag, in order to escape to the club of princes on a ruby red mechanical mount of 2018 forging (just 255 gold pieces per moon—only one key to the kingdom). This mount snacks on garbage/recycling so I must juggle carrying my own bags with an offering before I depart the cave to start my morning journey. I will need to speak to… the Guildmaster? Not the bar keep. Someone qualified to accept my pledge of circular water worship.

    Step 1. Escape. Step 2. Membership. Step 3. Go and go and go. Than step 6, 7, and 8 continuing to the unknown…

    Maybe what is missing is the clear definition of the why. Not just a fluffy, whiny, wishful rant. Instead I need the mature, well thought out why am I doing this and what does it look like? Would it be measured in: number of hours walked, number of days workout completed, body fat percentage change, ability to get out of the kayak without help?

    What would my tiny experiment look like? At a minimum, go once weekly for a month to West side and go once monthly to New Berlin for 3 months?

    I watched Tim do an impromptu show-and-tell. Immediately I knew that I want Tim to make me an award medallion. I don’t know yet what it would look like or the circumstances for earning one. But can you just hand over a drawing or must you have all the parameters and specs of something written in a special 3D language code?

  • Bucket List Revised

    Moved post content to Bucket List.

  • Decision Made

    2018 Ruby Red Ford Escape. 75 months, $254.73 per month, beginning April 20th. 6.99% annual percentage rate. $510 cash down. Amount financed: $15397.80 with UW Credit Union. Lots and lots of months. Added on the warranty, can drop anytime. First payment in 45 days. First 3 oil changes free? Decision made.

    Some mystery reason Summit would not extend a loan, something about still owning money. Is it possible they had me mixed up with my brother?

    Next choice: 1 year or 2 fitness center contract. The 2 year is less per month.

    ::: growling like a Rottweiler:::

    Even single swirl requires new expression of self confidence and agency.

    First questions include:

    • How do I listen to Pandora from the car?
    • What is the easiest and safest way to make notes in the car?
    • What iPhone holder will fit best in the car?

    Home late. Tired. Feed the pets. Max and Badger have no idea their life has changed. But really has it?

    The depression is not just in you—it’s around you. You’re walking through it, you’re breathing it. And there’s only one key.

    Song playing in my head: Somebody That I Used to Know, Gotye, 2011.

  • Finished the Book – BB by NE

    Complete the entire book, Beyond Belief by Nir Eyal. As a book summary, three blocks of text offered…

    Ask yourself

    Attention

    Where is your focus right now and is it aligned with what truly matters to you?” What have you refused to see about yourself, your relationships, and your life’s path because shifting your view feels uncomfortable? Could trying on the opposite belief reveal a portfolio of perspectives? Might one of those alternatives serve you better than the belief you currently cling to?

    Anticipation

    What future are you expecting for yourself and who decided that path? Are you holding on to pain needlessly? How are you letting fear color your worldview? What becomes possible if you expect discovery instead of disappointment?

    Agency

    What’s been holding you back? Are you letting life’s invariable chaos energize you or drain you? Are you taking action to change yourself and help those around you? Or are you waiting for the world to adjust to your liking? What is the one step you could take today to prove to yourself that you have more control than you think?

    ===

    Don’t have answers to all. I do know I don’t have a good grip on understanding giving self credit and embracing the meaning of success.