Journaling

I can’t stop thinking about amazing growth. I know TK4T said we could drop it. But I feel a desperation that I want him to understand me. I want him to see how certain patterns have been present throughout my life. I’m being bold to send a lengthy communication, because I need to go into this long weekend with a satisfaction that I said all. I’m frustrated that I’m not a better extemporaneous speaker.

TK4T, I realize this is a lot. If it just gets a skim, I’m … 98% ok with that. Out of all of this information, what I most want to share with you is the detail of the

• full story of Farrier School,
• what I learned from rock climbing, and
• my journey working with KTT, a personal trainer to get physically fit.

Attachment sent: AmazingGrowth-vs-Patterns.pdf

I started a 52 week structured journaling project by Daily OM, titled “A Year of Writing to Reveal Who You Really Are.”
 
I’m finding the writing prompts for week 1 to be harder than I expected.

Self-Awareness

• What drew you to participate in this course?
• Do you think you’re a self-aware person? Why?
• Is there a good balance in your life between being self-focused and focusing on others?
• What makes you think so?
• Do you think others see you the way you see yourself?
• Do you think a mindfulness practice will help you, or has one already been beneficial? How so?
• Are you good at understanding what you’re feeling?
• Do you know why you do the things you do?
• Do you know what things are most important to you?
• Do you know what you want out of life?
• So, to amuse myself…

I asked Claude to answer my questions for me. His answer, “My input on all of them based on what I know about you…” was more than 5000 characters. The output has given me a lot to think about. I’m not sure which question I want to tackle first, to generate my own answers.

Still Seeking Help for Where to Begin

I wonder which question TK4T would most be interested in seeing my answer to?

I received the most amazing gift from the universe today.
 
Brady, the TaskRabbit guy who I hired—for 2 hours to help me clean out the storage locker, pack and haul things from previous roommate, and transfer items up and down between basement locker and apartment—had a huge, unexpected calming effect on me today.
 
Brady was so pleasant to work with, steady and gentle, worked efficiently and independently, attitude of happy to help, provided good advice when asked, he was respectable and friendly. His help was exactly what I needed after weeks of tense anxiety. His grounded presence had this calming effect on me. I think it was both him as a person and the relief of actually getting the panicking task done. For the remainder of the day, this is the most serene I’ve felt in forever. My body is trashed and aches from all the hard work to prep everything; yet today, I’m soaked in calm. It is scary not to know how long I can keep the relief. One worry is not knowing how surviving is framed.
 
Reflecting on the calm, I asked Claude, “do you think it was Brady himself or is it simply because a bunch of work got done and having it be done is symbolic of a tiny bit of closure?” Claude returned, “His presence helped co-regulate your nervous system while you worked. This is an example of how much you need this kind of steady support.”

Work Done

• Locker organized
• Roommate stuff moved
• Coffee table gone
• Tiny bit of closure
• Tangible progress
• Regular apartment trash and recycling taken out

1.) TK4T
2.) PDoc AE
3.) Pony Boy for haircut
 
…and the most best…
 
4.) received phone call that owner of breathalyzer to be stopping by to pick up unit today…. and ok that I can’t identify the charger.
 
Bonus…
5.) scheduled today as OOO, vacation day.

There is a frog sitting on a Lilly pad in an expansive pond… the frog doesn’t know how to swim. Desperately he just wants to get to shore. The route, areas misted in fog, is a maze of calculating which pad to jump to next, estimating if it will hold his weight, and is he even going the right way… has he just leaped himself deeper into the muck or making progress out?
===
A daily=I, hung up on “don’t care what” conversation, 11-15. Used example of not wanting to talk about my gratitude homework; to stay angry and withhold. Not as angry now; and really DO want to talk about my jar with the wood lid and the miniature carabiners…
 
In early 20s I learned top rope rock climbing in a UW Mini-Course held at Devil’s Lake, a favorite place. Next, I advanced to week course through Iowa Mountaineer Club. Liked best, call-and-response safety check before a climber starts. “On belay?” / “Belay on.” / “Climbing.” / “Climb on.” During course, instructor and climbers told me I had a natural ability: “I should seriously pursue the sport.”
 
I was strong, fit, skilled… doing something I loved.
 
Plans to go to Sawtooth’s, 10 days
Organizing gear, getting sick=doctor
I’m pregnant
At 8wk, hiked to the top of Elephant’s Perch
Skipped mountaineering & rock climbs
 
Carabiner not about climbing again. Theory: remember I was that person – strong, capable, naturally skilled, loved something deeply. Depression=that person is gone forever.
 
Obviously, this is super condensed version of the story.

Key

[x] = mentioned in a daily
[o] = need no discussion / unless important

Left Overs

• Idea to reset foundation: want do-over; looking for professional bio?
• After visit summary contents; surprise by, and appreciation for what was included vs. excluded.
• Followed advice, leery about explaining more details; instead, wondering if referral was for real?
• What happens to my email?

Stressors

!!! Must have strategy for 14-day & 21-day sabbaticals due to absence of major support system (TK4T)
[x] Drug working, but fear of self medicating
Combo everything = Struggle to focus at work
[x] My feelings about Philip’s feelings
Amazing Growth – questioning “what does that mean?”
[o] Estranged relative, birthday, sent gifts
[x] How to feel about finding collections of personal items?
Commonalities between significance between a relative and roommate?
Which, if any, dailies would be picked to discuss in-depth?

For me

[o] Scheduled haircut appointment, new salon
[o] Past (and future?) acupuncturist visit
[o] Became Jared Halley (musician) patron
[o] Ordered new core ball due to split and pop
[o] Photography class attended – lesson lame, physical pain, 2hr walk
[o] Conversations: Claude, penpal

Health

[o] Sleep clinic appointment and can’t find CPAP

Support

[o] Long phone call from friends

Factor75

[o] Forgetting to eat/still have meals /new box arrived/gave extras to friend

[o] Failed to document dinner titles with taste result

Feeling

Anxiety. Is saying this, getting as overused as depression?

Analysis paralysis. What I have. Monstrous list of brainstormed things to share with another. I am so desperate to pick and compose something super super valuable. I already organized an agenda for Friday = so eager to be prepared.

Purchase of John Irving novel, Queen Esther. Value in discussing why his books have been important to me? Join book club, talk to Claude?

Do we need to examine, “how should I feel about the discover of previous roommate’s personal possions?” Route, conversation for penpal […he says it is ok to throw out that box, don’t pack.]

Still wondering what IS it another wants/needs to know?

Humor

Be suspicious of every feeling… they can disguise themselves as legitimate health concerns… so the urgent feeling you just got from your biggest situation may not be real. Look for warning signs. Don’t interact with suspicious feelings. If you think a feeling is a fake attempt by self, don’t engage. Do what you do in good meditation—let the thought and the feeling just pass by/through. Instead of dealing with fake, go to the source instead. Hover over the feeling, but don’t engage. Verify the feeling; it may be impersonating a health reaction. If you get a feeling that is suspicious, one you weren’t expecting, or seems unusual, contact the source within yourself and verify the feeling is real.

Claude said, “you just rewrote phishing/cybersecurity training as emotional self-protection guidance; dark humor to survive boring training AND accidentally brilliant therapeutic framework.”

Feeling:anxious

Philip called a multiple of times with the goal: status of deposit on book and to locate paperwork for his savings account. I never completed my script (my wellbeing, his wellbeing, let’s keep talking just not about wanting to move in, I love you). He cut me off early. Instead:

• Upset I called the PO; created chain of events that may lead to revocation of probation
• Annoyed I didn’t pay deposit process fee
• At the conclusion of one call, he said that was mean and hung up.
• In a different call, accused me of being malicious for my actions
• Said I was stupid for contacting PO, and… Wishes I had talked to him first
• Angry that previous conversations during 15 mo, I said I don’t remember many details and events he mentioned; yet I can remember a very specific event and Philip doesn’t understand why I remember one and not the others.
• Last call end: ‘I’ll call you… never’”

May need his bike lock key, yet unable to identify bike.

Small-thing-up-set-ting-me. The ticking: I am unable to expedite the outcome. Even the simple facts must conform to the unchanging pattern. Why is this topic continuing to get my characters? I resent that. Reality: great deal more to say; difficult feelings and plans to process.

After much deliberation, I purchased multiple storage (duffle bag style) containers with zippers and handles; I want him to have ease to search through later. Now, to pack. Philip knows I’m packing. 🙁

Feeling: enraged, deep sigh, despair, long for logistical closure

When disaster comes – climate collapse, asteroid, whatever – there will be spaceships (or caves or lifeboats) to evacuate Earth or to find shelter. Limited seats. Only the most valuable and talented people deserve to go: scientists, mathematicians, engineers, artists, leaders, people with survival skills.
 
I don’t deserve a seat on the spaceship. I’m not smart enough, talented enough, useful enough. I should fade into the shadows and let better people survive.

This belief = my core. Formed in childhood through abuse and neglect. Mother beat me, left injuries untreated, gave contradictory demands without teaching, forced me to perform farm cruelty. Learned: my needs don’t matter, I’m defective, I don’t deserve care or resources.
 
I’ve adopted a stance that not all humans are equal.
 
Current ‘amazing growth’ happens on top of this unchanged belief. I’m doing therapy work to please you while still believing I don’t deserve to be on the spaceship. However, your role in amazing growth is not all attachment related. [I’ve had to harshly rein in Claude for seeing zebras, evidence of attachment, everywhere, when we are dealing with horses]. More likely my doing stuff is related to your enthusiasm and gentle nudging. Serendipity opening possibilities. And, a smidge of hypomania or adrenalin helping to create urgency.

Long event chain surrounding previous roommate = bit tied to child dysfunction history.
 
When the zombies arrive: I definitely will not survive, I won’t be able to out run them.