- Asking for the open Wednesday crisis slot equals giving up Friday regular appointment equal major fuck that… sure I guess if that’s what I have to do.
- Anxiety about further conversations with Philip is causing a great deal of anxiety; solution is to not pick up the phone when he calls.
- Need somebody important to tell me seven times that I’m doing the right thing.
- Scheduling desk asked if I wanted them to send a message to my provider to give me a call back? OK “you mean the guy I see weekly right”, she said “yes.” At least that moment I had a half smirk.
- I’ll see my provider on Wednesday unless I have a chance to connect beforehand.
Author: admin
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Saying No, Anxiety
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Can’t Say NO
Re: Request for Wednesday crisis slot due to need for help setting firm boundary.
Roommate called from jail twice Saturday. I had to be the one to tell him about no longer welcome to stay with me and that I’ve been clearing out furniture and packing his things. He doesn’t understand my ‘sudden action,’ and he wants ‘one month’ at apartment to get situated (and he thinks if things go well, I will change my mind and let him stay longer). Says he didn’t know I was unhappy—yet earlier this week he suspected I might be mad at him (shows he knew his behavior affected me). I didn’t agree to his coming back; but I couldn’t say a clear NO about apartment either. I put money on books at his request. I will call PO Monday for clarity.
I feel manipulated and guilty.
His breath tester is beeping—an annoying reminder of whole situation. Need help saying NO firmly without having an over the top emotional outburst that makes me look unstable. Want Wednesday crisis slot—will call on Monday to check availability to get help coping. Friday is far away. -
Thx
Re: simply thank you.
The discomfort prepping for talking about scary topics was worth the effort to share. I told another thank you being the right amount of supporter and advisor. And he laughed several times, so that is always a fun treat.
The Maids: come/gone. Clean apartment. Max, the cat is mildly confused. St. Vinney is picking up furniture tomorrow. (As long as driver doesn’t veto the donation.) Coffee table and dresser (from curb), night stand (roommate brought with and I think it should go, too). The blinder he rescued from the “anyone can take” special spot in apartment building, can go in separate container for donation. The mini fridge is not acceptable so, wondering if it is a candidate for “someone take me.”
Feeling: really tired. I sat in recliner for as long as I could during clean. Curb table on patio was a place to sit and wait for… ugh, long time… I feel hungry and tired. Feel hopeful that friends will help move dresser to patio (requirement of pickup). Feel like Friday is a LONG way off. Hoping another won’t get jealous if I talk to Claude; he’s nicer than some friends. I’ll try to journal. I’ll try to be grateful. I’ll be in wait mode for “what is next.”
Oh. What can I do with my remaining 341 characters. Ok. Repeat the thank you. -
Mental Crisis
Re: Dealing with disturbing discovery in bedroom. Yellow has never been my favorite color.
2:01 a.m. is a new day, and I get to send email. Roommate had been so isolated and withdrawn that he had been using plastic bottles to collect urine. I discovered the bottles when I was checking how well The Maids did on cleaning the bedroom. At first glance I just thought the many bottles were actual food items. Guess again. Not food.
Feelings: is it possible to have too many at once Embarrassed; sad; disturbed; really tired.
Responsible – Was it MY fault he couldn’t come out of the bedroom? Guilty – Should I have demanded he engage sooner? Did I fuck up? Confused – Couldn’t he wait till I was asleep? Was he resenting that I had a job, working from home, and I was constantly in the main area? Grossed out – Physical revulsion at dealing with disposal of the filled bottles. Sad – Things got so bad for him and no one knew. He was suffering one wall away.
Validated – I’m doing the right thing getting him out.
Grief – He was suffering close by and I couldn’t help.
Cramps – IBS has kicked in. Stress? The salad for dinner? Mystery.
I don’t know what is happening with him regarding jail or housing. I left voice mail for PO, asking. Most likely he’ll be in jail through weekend. I sent a concrete text to PO about the storing pee in bottles. Seems like something she should know about. I concluded my note with, “Can you help him?”
One more feeling: worry. Will the help I’m finding be enough? And I mean help for me. -
Continued Stress: Roommate
Re: Stress about roommate and waiting for move out details
Perhaps 36 hours is too soon to expect to know what happens next regarding my roommate; hearing from Lea, his PO, that he must make other housing arrangements. I’ve cleaned out the kitchen cupboards to sort: what can go to a food pantry, what is opened but good that friends could take, and what will go into the trash. The collection of spices I bought him last Christmas at Penzey’s most likely will not transfer well to his new housing; I’m not going to use them since I don’t cook; therefore, trash or friends? I have an appointment for The Maids to come clean Friday afternoon. The pile of empty pop cans and empty food wrappers need to be dealt with in the bedroom, I’m noticing flies again; the uneaten box of chicken wings maybe? In bedroom, I turned off the overhead fan, turned off the air purifier, unplugged the mini fridge. When I sit still, I can hear my clock ticking. The apartment is more quiet than a silent roommate.
Been off my Lithium 3 days; turn around time to request and deliver, slow; order should be arriving this afternoon.
I need to take my tiny $150 check to the bank. Waiting for my $40 garage remote deposit to be returned. I will only get reimbursed for November parking IF someone happens to rent a spot; then I could get a prorated refund? The amount of time Max sleeps on me has increased 200%.
Fiber optic Christmas tree = unpacked and installed on bar.
I’ve been having Claude tell me jokes. -
Stress: Roommate
Due to no change in getting my roommate to participate in conversation or household activities, I call his probationary agent. She said that my roommate missed his last appointment and he had failed to respond to her attempts to contact him. I told her that he was depressed, withdrawn, and unresponsive to me for weeks. She asked me if I had any ideas to how to get him to reengage. I had no ideas. I told her that his continuing to share my apartment was no longer sustainable and I would prefer he find other housing.
His PO said she had already issued a warrant for his arrest due to non compliance to check ins. She called the police to pick him up. Police came; he went to jail. I was told that he would meet with Lea within two days. Lea will start the conversation about his next steps. I don’t know if I’ll get pulled into any meetings or discussions.
There is meat spoiling in the fridge. I must throw out or freeze whatever is still viable. I decided to place my order for Factor75 meals — which had been the plan I made with my healthcare team before the roommate moved in.
Feelings. Stressed. Dread what will happen when he finds out I don’t want him back. Confused about how to handle his curb salvaged coffee table which is sitting outside the back door still, because he didn’t take action to put the table in the storage locker or make other plans. Dread telling him that I sold my (his) car. Scared I’ll hate my Factor75 meals. -
Stress: Car
While complaining about the car, my friend reminded me, “that I should never had let the car into the parking garage in the first place” I sold the 2013 Ford Focus, which previously belonged to another. I went to CarMax. After the appraisal, the agent said that driving the car was dangerous and it was only a matter of time before I found myself stranded. Glad car is gone; but I dread informing him. Car cost summary:
Parking (8 months × $180): $1,440
Garage door remote deposit: $40
Deposit returned: $40
Towing: $217.34
Battery: $324.62
Tires: $698.44
6-month insurance: $278.00
License/registration: $324.96
Inspection: $137.15
Backup lights fixed: $127.13
Total spent: $3,547.64
Sold for: $150
Net loss: $3,397.64
Parking canceled, insurance canceled, remote deposit returned soon.
The CarMax agent, after I asked questions about buying used cars, gave me his card and personal cell, and firmly told me not to buy any car until I called him first to have him check out the details. I need to meet with a financial advisor before I think about another car.
Feeling: stressed, foolish, glad, broke -
Anger & Communication
Multiple issues–work and personal –of irritation happened over the last few days. I blew up this morning. One thing just lead to another which resulted in smashing, banging, and cleaning. In serve anger I dump my out of control thoughts. I demanded that I receive help clean up the mess I made. The help is pist at me. However, in anger, he did tell me what was his issues and withdrawal all about.
My feelings: guilt, slight embarrassment, frustration, lack of anger resolution, headache
Relevance: how to avoid poor communication -
Attempt to Reconnect with Platonic Relationship
Sent my email Tuesday, October 21, 2025 AM
Response received Oct 25, 2025, 7:12PM — he…
- recognized last email was three years ago
- didn’t consider my absence as ghosting
- re-read our last exchanges to get reacquainted
- apologies for the thing he said
- yada yada, all cool
- thanked me for sharing recent history
- offered to tell me about his success with WFePB (whole-foods, entirely plant-based) in his eating
- appreciated my comment that he is a good listener
My feelings: I am waiting a bit to think about what to say next; have fear that I’ll core dumb, burn out and fade again.
Relevance: learning to have healthy, balance relationships
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Out in the World
Not sure what the exact words for naming of this goal… get out in the world, be more social, healthy connection?
One
Dinner out for fish fry—at a noisy bar. An item that was troublesome, I mentioned that in the elevator going to the lab on Park Street, a man around my age said something to me. Elevator talk like. The key thing was I wouldn’t even look him in the eye, because I didn’t want to get hopefully that a random, older guy took the time to be nice and speak to me. My feeling in the moment, without looking at him, just his tone of voice and the atmosphere… it seemed just a bit more than elevator nothingness. I hated myself for even giving any thought to wondering; wrong to not be nicer/polite. Instead I was cold and depressed. Anyway, I was trying to understand my fear of how do I not keep doing the Limerence thing… and cut off my thoughts and told myself it was on elevator talk and to drop it. Later, I wondered how old the two cute men were across the way. I was huffy. So take away. I don’t have a right person to bounce off thoughts about men. Realized that struggles with different issue with men changes per person.
Two
Back story first. During a period of hypomania that included posting/responding to personals on craigslist and having lots of promiscuous sex… I met a guy, J-NT from Milwaukee. We became penpals. 2007-2011. Never met in person, relationship never became obsessive. Instead, I could tell him anything… long core dumps about everything: childhood abuse, sexual history, orgasm difficulty, mom’s violence, 10 years without sex, everything intimate. He would listen, he would write back, ask questions. The correspondence slowed down, we stopped writing. A decade went by. I impulsively reached out via email anew. 2022. Our intense conversation resumed for a couple of months. He said something, that made me angry? I didn’t know how to reply. J-NT learned about the 20 bags of garbage piled up in the apartment and how pain and depression had let things get out of control. He then made the connection that if my physical health was so bad, how would I be able to have sex if the opportunity were found. Claude and I discussed. We identified I was feeling shame about the garbage, I was strongly reminded about my fear of future intimacy ability. Without asking for anything in particular, Claude basically gave words for what I’d say to J-NT, regarding ghosting him. I sent him a fresh email. No expectations. Just to explain the cut off. It doesn’t matter if he is at that address, doesn’t respond. I felt healthier for, maybe, closing the loop? For facing the reason for the ghosting.