Journaling

Re: processing reflections on comment, “I don’t care what you do. I do want you to do well and thrive.”
 
To manage attachment, I turned the first half of the comment into a mantra. Even my clock ticking meditation, hijacked. Each word pounding out a reality related to separation of client/therapist. Then, wanting to report in about the gratitude homework progress has been ambushed by spite. Angry conversation between client and therapist: C: completed major step in gratitude homework… acquired container and objects. Use not yet habit; working on it. T: Oh what did you get? C: “Why should I tell you? How is that helpful?,” said with anger and spite. You said, ‘I don’t care what you do.’ Why share with you details of what the container or objects are? Leading to sadness exploring the scope of ‘what’: Doing the homework itself is also a what? Which specific class picked is a what?
 
Phrase hurt when I first heard it. Creating the mantra was meant to face reality, but maybe mistake from the start. I’ve weaponized a truth into self-harm. Managed to completely suck the joy out of looking forward to sharing successes & plans.
 
Used as rubber band snap on every back slide when thoughts/feelings need examining as attachment-related behaviors. Believing first part of the comment is easy. Second half bounces off while first half sticks. How do I learn the second half, in healthy way? Accept caring with no entanglement? Why can’t I hold both truths simultaneously?
 
Harsh self-judgment.

Re: Patterns is Heaviest
 
Meds

Pregabalin 25mg Capsules – 1-2 daily as needed for anxiety and pain[via PDoc]

• Received help to manage anxiety but doesn’t change core beliefs
• Decreased physical pain, such as walking and stairs
• Sleeping 8 hours
• After 8 hours of reduced movement = some zombie effect and stiffness

Factor75

• Meals working well, ease to cook & clean up, improved digestion, eating regularly, taste ok, one less thing to manage.

The Previous Roommate

• PO confirmed he knows he’s not returning here. DOC referring him to residential program. Waiting to hear about coordinating logistics (key return, breathalyzer pickup, possessions storage).
• Started packing his things. Found more unexpected items that brought up a mix of memories, feelings, and questions.

Patterns

I don’t remember what I already reported about history of attachment. I have numerous stories that are too long as dailies. What would another need to know, in lieu of long stories? And, I want to know: what did I do or say that made him suspect newest attachment? Am I doing something unconsciously that I will want to fix?

Work

• Struggling to stay focused. TGIF.

Feeling

• relieved, conflicted, exhausted, curious, zombied

Re: anchoring the rewire in motion
 
Been thinking, when another shared his concern about managing diagnosis vs. absorbing it into identity. I think I’m on the managing side – bipolar is a condition, not who I am. I have realized the real anchor isn’t the diagnosis. It’s more about believing I don’t deserve a place in the lifeboat – that I’m not worth saving when resources are limited. That’s the core worthlessness – and feeling broken, unfixable – that makes everything harder.
 
Complex feeling: wanting to prove I’m on the good side, but worried you’re seeing something I’m denying.
 
I want to explore hypnotherapy. If the real anchor is this worthlessness/broken belief from decades of reinforcement, maybe therapy and medication alone can’t touch it. Could deep rewiring help address what other approaches haven’t reached?
 
Feeling: discouraged but unwilling to give up
 
For a long time I’ve been considering a yin yang tattoo. I know that could look like absorbing diagnosis into identity (literally ink into skin), but for me the yin yang represents the motion, oscillation between poles, constant re-balancing. The symbol isn’t static, it’s a snapshot of perpetual movement. That’s what the symbol represents, not a fixed state I’m stuck in.
 
Feeling: desire, uncertain, self-doubt (want one, don’t know if it’s the right symbol to use as a tattoo, wonder if I’m too old)