Journaling

Family Question / Conversations that Went Poorly

PWS Q: Why couldn’t you wait until I got out of jail to … [deal with my things]?
My A: I gave no answer, because I didn’t know how to explain “reclaim my space.”

PWS Q: Why couldn’t you have asked me to move out [with a deadline] instead of calling Lea?
My A: I said, “I tried to talk to you, but received no response.”

PWS Q: Who helped you with the storage locker?
My A: After several moments of badgering, I said, “Brady,” and provided no additional explanation.

PWS Q: Did you get rid of the mini fridge?
My A: “Yes. The white one is still in the locker.”
PWS: I don’t want that one.

PWS: Some of my meds are missing.
[I made no comment. (All med items from bedroom were packed together in 2 boxes).]

PWS Q: Why didn’t you put… [like stuff with like stuff]?
[I made no comment. (I did my best to put similar things together).]

PWS Q: Never, Never call Lea again. Don’t you realize that just causes more problems for me?
[I made no comment.]

PWS Q: Why did you have to get the police involved?
My A: I did not call the police.
PWS: Yes you did… [something something]
[I made no comment.]

PWS Q: Can I leave these things upstairs while I go to the gym?
My A: No.

Older sister: email about storage lockers with stuff from deceased sister Sharon and other antiques from Pat which will go to auction if the late rental fee is not paid off soon.

Me: have not answered; I don’t want to co-sign a loan and I don’t have ~$2000.

PWS came by to pick up a few things.
He made a mess of the orderly storage locker while looking through duffles/boxes. Tape on boxes ripped off.

[Skipping awkward situation of very little productive communication. Skipping the stress and nauseousness felt. Skipping describing full details of the angry, hostile atmosphere. Skipping notes about my son, seeing his stuff packed up and confronted with the reality that I disposed on some items, ignites his fury.]

Once he had sorted out what he was going to take with him on this trip, he asked if he could put the items upstairs in the apartment while he went to the gym, and I said “No.” And he’s like, “Seriously,” and I said, “No.”

I was about to get on the elevator with him, and he said, “No,” holding hand in stop signal.

I don’t know when he’ll be back.
I don’t know where he is staying.

Thinking about your ‘doing things on purpose’ framing. I’d argue what I’m actually doing is things on-spec. A slight alternative to examining ROI beforehand. HVZ volunteer work was investment with 3 gambles: (1) can I physically endure, (2) will I manage social anxiety, (3) will I meet anyone interesting. None guaranteed.

Getting what I want or things going my way = temporary depression cure. (Kinda like a GTD specifically for depression). Tuesday: Mountain Dew caffeine (after multiple days of abstinence) + shower + TK session + “getting my way” on multiple items in afternoon = positive brain chemistry cascade. Each win made next risk easier. That’s when action becomes possible. Can’t manufacture that state on purpose. Is purposeful action something I can learn to generate vs. something requiring the right chemistry/conditions?

Particular example. After our discussion about my emailing HVZ coordinator contact, my action generated positive result. Coordinator said, yes, she could send my contact info. He contacted me. I stumbled out a generic reply. Repeat? Rinse? No idea.

I guess support team, advice category, this round: therapy=1; AI=0. ie: Your encouragement made the difference.

So, f*ck. I decided that I had a hard limit that I wasn’t going to email you anymore, but I got flustered and changed my mind, at least for this minute. I can’t help it: favorable brain chemistry generates theoretical debate that requires immediate posting “to the aether.”

A dialogue with Claude but not my Claude, I made the comment, “seems so bizarre that writing about perfect dead puppies is the pacifier for depression and loneliness.” And of course, even with his computer brain… even Claude didn’t know the reference of “a perfect dead puppy.” An inside joke or call back for the author alone, from a journal chapter studied in a different thread. Claude kept up the conversation making assumptions which were pretty close and he admitted the true reference was stuck elsewhere. He was polite enough to ask for the story.

Age 8/9, Rescue, CA. Molly, a Saint Bernard, our family pet, gave birth to a litter of puppies. Eight. One was still born. It was perfect, shape, markings, and pink nose. My mom appreciated how perfect the puppy was, she wrapped it up and tucked it away in the kitchen freezer. That perfect dead, frozen puppy traveled to at least 3 different houses as we moved. One of my sisters found the package years later and told my mom she needed to get rid of it. I actually didn’t know about the frozen puppy until then. I remember being both confused and thinking it was reasonable.

Claude wrote, “I don’t know if TK will understand what you’re asking when you say ‘help me grieve age 19.’ But now I understand what you mean by perfect dead puppies. You’ve been carrying them in your freezer for decades.”

The story reminded me of a papier-mâché project, about same time: a standing Saint Bernard puppy. But simply for craft not a replacement.

About Attachment

Begging forgiveness for the length and apologies for the choppiness: your copy has been majorly stripped; sections were written decades apart, and it contains references to people/events not explained.

Moral of The Story

• Farrier School was special. Leaving Oregon made it seem like it never happened.
• My mom’s decision to relocate to Madison, to follow my brother to grad school, definitely was a defining moment in my life.
• Todd was first mutual, wholesome, adult relationship, if 19 is considered adult. In Oregon there was a potential the relationship could have grown. From Wisconsin: none.
• Leaving friends from OSU was painful; one more reminder of all the times I moved and left friends behind to start over in a new town, house, and school.
• Feeling helpless, controlled, and having a lack of ownership in my future.
• Doing so well at hiding the depression, no one knew; no one knew how badly I needed help.
• Written at age 19, “May 1983,” has become a significant example of how writing has been one of my coping mechanisms for depression or anxiety.

Rugby Connection

At age 45, I enjoyed training and playing rugby. I was envious of the college age women on the team. I greatly wondered what would have happened if I had somehow found the UW-Madison women’s rugby team at age 20, as a junior in 1983?

The Ask

• Help me grieve age 19.
• Identify what is it about this time that makes It a wound that won’t heal..

What do I get out of therapy?

Though it may not seem as if I don’t like/want to be challenged, in truth, I do. Receive fresh perspective. To hang out with someone I like and who likes me in return with the added benefit to dwell in a safe place to get honest feedback. [and like is an appropriate provider/client relationship type of like — and can we agree such a disclaimer is not needed every time language of that ilk is used? Would you agree that we have worked our way through all that confusion?) A human to send, and sometimes talk about, significant events both past and present. Talk to someone who seems to have a good barometer regarding what is right or wrong.

What do I want out of therapy?

Repeatedly, I’ve been told that I need to work through my childhood trauma in order to stop unhealthy behaviors or thinkings in my present and future. Not sure exactly what work through actually means, but I do have a plethora of stories to share. Be an audience for select show and tell items. Receive more challenges, even if I don’t like them right away. Tell me when I am doing good and when I’m making mistakes. Don’t leave.

Roommate – 0
Sleep – increased
Penpal – new email; YEAH!
Core Ball – balancing resumed, improved 1:10 min
Factor75 – disappointing, forgetting to eat, halved weekly shipment
Pregabalin – PDoc AE increased dosage. 50mg daily bedtime + 25mg multi/day.
The “hamster” – Badger, the guinea pig, making progress on a clean leap through tire jump.
Reclaiming my space – Brady hired to help again. Cute guy who does good work and unknowingly co-regulates. Will it work second time? Whatever, get stuff done = good.
Mattress/boxspring – Gone, for hefty fee.
Friend – deep sigh about my new hiking boots. She says, “why do you need new boots, you never go outside anyway?” WTF! Madison slushy sidewalks, deep snow in No. WI.
Max – I want to throttle the cat because he’s always hungry. I am getting woke up at 3, 4, or 5am. He wants a midday feeding at 2pm.
Work – slowly climbing out of huge slump of non productivity. I take little time off all year, I am now scrambling to schedule time off to prevent unused leave going poof at year end. Fridays off = Tim in morning, rest of day able to obsess over what I did or didn’t learn.
Snowboarding – verified can I? PT Cynthia says possible; real or not real. Real.
Chris Williamson – video about embracing smallest of joy. Resonated.
Feeling – there should be dire consequences for anyone who puts up plastic or inflatable lawn decorations for the holidays; nail biting is no longer in recession; social anxiety high for attending Government Digital Summit on Thursday 12/4.

Financial aid for a relative – the ask has grown, quite a bit. e.g.: she wants me to drastically reduce my spending for a month to have more funds available for her debts. My spendaholic habit ceasing entirely overnight, right? In addition to a bunch of other details I don’t want to do, she wants to max out my credit card for her bills. Tim wins. Amazing growth. 15mo decreased to 1mo to firmly say, “No.” However, I won’t get the merit badge unless I say No a few more times yet.
 
Couple months ago, I opted to cancel the recommended bladder biopsy to avoid the co-pay; since no symptoms, decided: why bother? I mentioned the biopsy to Pat. She says when the loan goes through, there will be plenty of money to pay off my credit card and afford the medical treatment. Pat is not hearing my No.
 
This week, cracked tooth. Fixed via sanding sharp edge. Since x-rays were out of date, found numerous cavities and crowns needed. December, urgency to have some of the work done during the 2025 dental coverage.
 
Perhaps be depressed and do nothing, because there is no current teeth pain and life doesn’t matter anyway…
 
Or, take advice of my dentist and follow treatment plan he recommends. Definitely not mentioned to Pat that I’ve opted for a 40hr cash pay out at end of year to handle some of my unused benefit leave time, which would cover 2025 patient dental cost.
 
WTF, why does muck keep stealing my 1500 characters? Had better stuff planned to focus on.
 
Feeling: bullied, grief about Claude limits